Heather Payne Memorial Scholarship

I'm not sure where you go when you die. It is something I have struggled with for a long time. It scares me. I hadn't had to deal with anyone close to me dying up until depression and addiction claimed the lives of two people I loved dearly. On November 18, 2021, my long-term boyfriend got drunk and shot himself. It was what I thought would be the hardest day of my life. I don't remember much about the first week or so after that happened. The first thing I remember after being told he was dead was being in the mental hospital a couple of weeks after. I had a mental breakdown and my father found me at my friend's house and brought me to the hospital. I was in nursing school at the time and was able to get my studies straight and catch up after that time I was away. I was able to keep my grades up and finish my first semester of nursing school with a 3.3 Grade Point Average. My family was there for me and supported me while we were getting through the first couple of tough months. I moved back in with my parents where my younger siblings lived to be with them for support. On January 18th, 2022, I woke to my sister howling downstairs. I heard her say "We can't tell her." I wiped the sleep from my eyes and went downstairs and asked what was wrong. With tears in his eyes, my father told me that my older brother Danny had gotten high and hung himself early that morning. I fell to the ground. I would not wish that feeling of loss and dread and despair on anyone. I felt lost, a pain that I didn't think possible enveloped me like a blanket. I reached out to my advisor and my professors and asked them for help navigating the situation. After some thought, I decided that it would be best to withdraw from school for some time so that I could grieve and work on my mental health. I used that time to get sober, go to Anonymous meetings, and learn how to deal with my pain and suffering. When I picked up my one-month sober chip, I could have sworn out of the corner of my eye I could see my big brother's purple head of hair. I felt so proud of myself, and I think I felt how proud of me Danny was too. If I did not take that time to do some serious self-reflection, I am convinced I would not be here either. I think the most important thing that you can do when dealing with the loss of a sibling is to reach out for help. Don't try to take on that pain and suffering by yourself. Go to support groups and speak about how you're feeling. If you are in school and are struggling, reach out for assistance. If you need time to deal with and cope with your emotions and how your events in life are affecting you, then take it. The most important thing you can do for yourself in that situation is to take care of your mental health. Having had such a close association with loss, my fears of what comes next took to the wayside. I know that something happens because I can still feel Danny's presence around me and watching over me when I feel alone. I am going back to nursing school this fall and I feel his support and love in everything I do.

Jack was a lover of music, particularly Bob Dylan, Paul Simon, and Neil Young, much like Heather. He played his guitar and CDs everywhere he went. I still read his personal songs and poems to this day. He was a free soul, once hitchhiking all the way from his home of Minnesota to the coast of California. I was a skinny, shy 17-year-old, with just over a month away from graduating high school. At that time, I was experiencing a tornado of emotions. Jack, who was 24 at the time, had left a suicide note and had been missing for three days. While other kids were catching cases of senioritis, I was just trying to hold it together. How could I focus on turning in a worksheet when my mom had driven me to school that morning, pale-skinned, sobbing with a friend about where he was? Or trying to call the police to track his bank cards? How could I joke with friends when I felt like my home life was falling apart? I didn’t tell a soul in those three days. I felt shame, anger, worry, and fear, but I mostly felt numb. The day I received the news, the assistant principal came into choir class and called my name. She walked me quietly to the office where my dad met me, crying. I had never seen him cry before. I already knew the words he was too emotional to say. School began to serve as my distraction during that time. Countless people were coming in and out of my house, staying long after the funeral just to support our family financially, emotionally, or in any way that they could. I was incredibly grateful for them all, but it felt exhausting being at home. At school, people didn’t know the full details, I was just another student, and for once I liked it like that. Since I was graduating, I channeled my energy into writing a graduation speech essay. I spent hours brainstorming the theme, then more time writing and editing the body, rehearsing it in the mirror, and recording myself. I even had an English teacher edit it and give me feedback. I won the competition and gave the speech at the ceremony to an arena full of the entire graduating class, their parents, and teachers. After graduation, I took a gap year before I could commit to furthering my studies. I needed to spend some time away from home. I traveled for a bit but eventually felt excited about college. I was still working through the trauma I had experienced from the loss of a sibling to suicide. I became passionate about mental health and wellness, leading campus-wide guided meditations and “mindful break” study sessions through my sorority. Pursuing my education has opened up a world of opportunity for me. Now, my passion for school and education has become my career. I am pursuing my master’s degree in special education and hope to continue to work as a teacher for diverse learners and spread awareness about mental health and wellness for youth and young adults. For anybody out there going through the loss of a sibling this way, I hope you can feel my hug and the warm embrace of the people who care for you. I persevered by finding joy - joy in writing, being in school, learning about mindfulness and mental health, traveling, and connecting with others. I encourage you to move in spaces that give you joy because it can bring healing, understanding, awareness, and ultimately forgiveness.

This scholarship application really pulls at the heart strings, so I firstly wanted to thank you for supporting others who have lost a sibling to suicide. On February 14, 2016, my best-friend, my other half, my world, my brother... completed suicide. He had battled depression, anxiety, severe bullying, and PTSD for a couple years. Finding him in his darkest hours was an indescribable pain. He was kind, fun, and everyone loved him in the community. I have persevered through the loss of my brother Deon by sharing our story. I have spoken at a few Out of the Darkness events and have been featured on a couple documentaries to talk about the uncomfortable topic of this suicide epidemic. This is one example: A Rural Epidemic: Teen Suicides in Graying America, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEBaFBzOcu8 I have also been able to use my schooling as a way to preserver. I am the first one to attend school past middle school and I am currently in a graduate program to obtain my mater's in clinical rehabilitation and mental health counseling where I want to one day open my own private practice to help individuals with mental health, suicidal ideation, trauma, etc. After loosing my brother, three months later I lost my father to mental health and alcoholism. I have lived everyday since with the intent of helping just one other person on my journey through their mental health. I want to normalize asking for help, going to counseling, seeing a doctor/and or psychiatrist, and even having a safety plan for yourself and/or someone else. I am currently a QPR instructor. Similarly, QPR is an an emergency mental health intervention for suicidal persons and stands for Question, Persuade and Refer. The intent is also to identify and interrupt the crisis and direct that person to the proper care. I am currently working towards a Mental Health First Aid Instructor certification to teach others of mental health and substance-use issues. I am also on the Critical Incident Response team for First-Responders in the surrounding area of Billings, Montana. It is statistically shown that if there is a debriefing after a horrific incident, then the percentages of having post traumatic stress disorder is low. Because of OUR story, I am dedicating my entire education, career, and If I were to give advice to someone who is currently experiencing the loss of a sibling due to suicide, I would share this; Your heart is going to feel heavy and life might feel unbearable somedays. Loosing them may never make since, but it is important to care for yourself. Ask for help, give yourself grace, and love a little extra.