I always looked up to my 18-year-old sister, Maisy. I still do. I stole every joke she made because I thought she was the funniest person in the world. When she decided she wanted to skateboard, I decided the same thing. After committing to Portland State University, it was immediately my dream school. I played off all of these behaviors as coincidences since I didn't want to be embarrassed or accused of being a copycat of my big sister. But I knew that every belief I had was influenced by Maisy. Growing up, Maisy was in and out of various therapies. She moved from one mental hospital to the next. Eventually, she was put into rehab for 56 days; I counted. Maisy suffered from depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. For as long as I can remember, I have always watched my sister struggle against herself. From self-harm to attempted suicide, I grieved the loss of my sister before she was even gone. I felt as though I lost her long before I really did. To me, childhood meant fearing waking up and finding my sister gone. On November 4, 2021, that became a reality. My family lost our Maisy to suicide and I found that my beliefs, relationships, and career aspirations weren't just influenced. They were completely flipped over and determined by this event. I lost friends after hearing them make insensitive jokes about suicide in front of me, knowing what I have been through. I sat in class as my favorite teacher (who was also Maisy's favorite teacher) made a joke about killing herself. Knowing that people like Maisy, who struggled each day to continue living, also had to watch peers and mentors belittle their suicidal thoughts into jokes forced a new perspective on me. The biggest change that I have seen is my drive to create a world in which mental illness does not have such an immense effect on individuals. Through my career path in neuroscience, I will study how mental illness and disorders develop and worsen in the human brain. With this, I will find ways to lessen the devasting impacts. Although I am not yet in this career as I am only a senior, I have found ways to advocate and deepen my understanding of mental health. Firstly, the Green Dot program was introduced to my school. In our training, we became proficient in recognizing signs of active abuse or risks of such. I became a Green Dot ambassador, taking on the responsibility of spreading the information that I had learned and explored. Green Dot ambassadors must be able to recognize abuse, support the abused, and know when to take action. This topic is extremely important to me after seeing people I love experience both emotional and physical abuse. I have seen how abuse can affect one’s mental health and overall well-being. Green Dot will help shut down these situations. Furthermore, I expanded my knowledge of mental illness and mental crises through the Teen Mental Health First Aid program. I was trained in depression, mood disorders, anxiety disorders, trauma, psychosis, and substance use disorders. This course was emotional and vigorous as we touched on deeply sensitive topics. However, I was determined to learn how to respond and react to tough situations that I will surely encounter throughout my life. This has made my community better as students like me have been readied to provide help and support for those who otherwise lack such. Everything I do, I do in honor of Maisy. I know that programs such as Green Dot or Teen Mental Health First Aid may have made a significant impact on her if they were available during her time in high school. I can only hope that these programs will help at least one person to seek out help for their struggles. I always looked up to how Maisy spoke openly about mental health, especially compared to others her age. Now, I do the same, doing everything in my ability to continue where Maisy left off because she has forever changed my life.

I always looked up to my 18-year-old sister, Maisy. I still do. I stole every joke she made because I thought she was the funniest person in the world. When she decided she wanted to skateboard, I decided the same thing. After committing to Portland State University, it was immediately my dream school. I played off all of these behaviors as coincidences since I didn't want to be embarrassed or accused of being a copycat of my big sister. But I knew that every belief I had was influenced by Maisy. Growing up, Maisy was in and out of various therapies. She moved from one mental hospital to the next. Eventually, she was put into rehab for 56 days; I counted. Maisy suffered from depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. For as long as I can remember, I have always watched my sister struggle against herself. From self-harm to attempted suicide, I grieved the loss of my sister before she was even gone. I felt as though I lost her long before I really did. To me, childhood meant fearing waking up and finding my sister gone. On November 4, 2021, that became a reality. My family lost our Maisy to suicide and I found that my beliefs, relationships, and career aspirations weren't just influenced. They were completely flipped over and determined by this event. I lost friends after hearing them make insensitive jokes about suicide in front of me, knowing what I have been through. I sat in class as my favorite teacher (who was also Maisy's favorite teacher) made a joke about killing herself. Knowing that people like Maisy, who struggled each day to continue living, also had to watch peers and mentors belittle their suicidal thoughts into jokes forced a new perspective on me. The biggest change that I have seen is my drive to create a world in which mental illness does not have such an immense effect on individuals. Through my career path in neuroscience, I will study how mental illness and disorders develop and worsen in the human brain. With this, I will find ways to lessen the devasting impacts. Although I am not yet in this career as I am only a senior, I have found ways to advocate and deepen my understanding of mental health. Firstly, the Green Dot program was introduced to my school. In our training, we became proficient in recognizing signs of active abuse or risks of such. I became a Green Dot ambassador, taking on the responsibility of spreading the information that I had learned and explored. Green Dot ambassadors must be able to recognize abuse, support the abused, and know when to take action. This topic is extremely important to me after seeing people I love experience both emotional and physical abuse. I have seen how abuse can affect one’s mental health and overall well-being. Green Dot will help shut down these situations. Furthermore, I expanded my knowledge of mental illness and mental crises through the Teen Mental Health First Aid program. I was trained in depression, mood disorders, anxiety disorders, trauma, psychosis, and substance use disorders. This course was emotional and vigorous as we touched on deeply sensitive topics. However, I was determined to learn how to respond and react to tough situations that I will surely encounter throughout my life. This has made my community better as students like me have been readied to provide help and support for those who otherwise lack such. Everything I do, I do in honor of Maisy. I know that programs such as Green Dot or Teen Mental Health First Aid may have made a significant impact on her if they were available during her time in high school. I can only hope that these programs will help at least one person to seek out help for their struggles. I always looked up to how Maisy spoke openly about mental health, especially compared to others her age. Now, I do the same, doing everything in my ability to continue where Maisy left off because she has forever changed my life.

Through my college education, I am going to treat and prevent various mental illnesses, decreasing suicide and increasing awareness.

My big sister, Maisy, had depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. She also had blonde hair, a vibrant personality, the best humor, and an open-minded perspective on life. I have always looked up to her, even in her last weeks, I found myself wanting to be just like her in certain ways. Maisy had always desired to leave the Midwest and she chose to further her education at Portland State University. I remember moving her into her dorm and thinking that I could easily follow in her footsteps to the Pacific Northwest for college. I still can't wait for college and to be just like my big sister. On November 4, 2021, I came home from school to receive the worst news of my life: we lost my 18-year-old sister to suicide. As I watched my world collapse, I was still committed to completing the school year to the best of my ability. This was my sophomore year of high school and I was enrolled in vigorous courses, consisting mainly of AP and honor classes. I was -- and still am -- determined to stay connected to education and have consistently yearned to further my learning opportunities. I struggled to find a balance between my education and personal life. For me, grief comes in waves and can be triggered at any moment. In high school, most kids my age have not experienced a loss of a sibling, especially not by suicide. I felt myself become disconnected from my friends and peers. I would hear one of my best friends, or even a teacher, make a suicide joke and would have to stay home the next day. The unpredictability of grief challenged my life and my education. Trying to pursue my education whilst going through the most tragic times became to seem impossible for me. What is possible, however, is receiving help. I have consistently gone to therapy for about 3 years, dating back to even before the loss of Maisy. Receiving outside help has allowed me to gain new perspectives on life. One of the most valuable lessons I have learned has been to take a step back from life and all of its demands, giving myself room and time to grieve. If I were to give someone advice who is in a similar situation, I would say to allow yourself to take that time for yourself. While school and education are extremely important, your well-being should be prioritized. Grief is fluid and ever-changing. Listen to your needs and grant yourself the privilege of following those needs, it will only benefit you. Education will always be available in so many forms. What won't always be available are your feelings at a given moment. Enable yourself to feel these feelings because it will ultimately improve your mental health. When you have more stable mental health, you will be able to once again focus more fully and passionately on education. Grief will last forever, no matter what shape it takes. In order to go through life "easier", give yourself time to accommodate to your feelings, it doesn't happen overnight. It has taken me nearly two years to learn this lesson but without it, I don't I would've gotten through all of my classes in my sophomore and junior year. I tried -- and still try -- very hard to not let myself be disappointed or angry about my decreased performance in school as I grieve Maisy. I still honor Maisy in everyday life and hope to pursue a career in Psychology/Neuroscience with a focus on mental illness.