It was a hot summer afternoon when I arrived at the hospital. Scared beyond belief, my family and I rushed into the ICU where my brother had been placed. Chaotic and jarring, I had never been in an environment like this before. Nurses and doctors rushed around me in an effort to save him. I watched as the professionals fought death the best they could. Every machine buzzed and beeped, forming a chorus of death, which was hovering all around. That chorus lured me in with curiosity. In the room next to ours, there was a code blue, an unexpected cardiac or respiratory arrest. The doctors placed the defibrillator pads on the patient and brought him back to life. I knew from that point on that I wanted to go into medicine. Having minimal resources in my small, rural town, I struggled with not having the ability to express my passion. I wanted to learn everything about the human body and its anatomy. I went to a school that offered fundamental science classes and no advanced subjects. I would spend hours on my computer researching the different career paths of medicine and watching complex surgeries. I was hooked. Nothing could break my drive to go into medicine. As I got older, I began seriously considering my future. Anytime I was given the opportunity to speak to a surgeon, I took it. I loved asking questions about their lifestyle and med school. I began shadowing in a local dermatologist clinic and helping where needed. I loved it. I knew I wanted this and so much more. As I enter my final year of high school, I am beyond excited for the opportunities I will have in college and beyond. In the future, I will take a CNA course (certified nurses assistant) and will be able to gain experience in the hospital setting and with patients as a high schooler. Getting patient care time is a great way to begin my journey in healthcare. Medicine offers a unique opportunity to make a significant positive impact on people's lives. Every day is different and unreliable and that is what I appreciate most about it. The unknown keeps me pushing. As a Jew, faith and identity are important to my career. I hope to integrate these values into my patient care and decision-making. Every aspect of my life reflects my faith and connection with my heritage. My main goal is to make my bruder proud of who I am becoming today.

A vintage Gameboy, a 550-piece Star Wars Lego set, and a mini drone were what my older brother, Ethan, prized most. We had spent countless hours together playing with these items and figuring out new hacks and tricks for each. My brother was not only a playmate, lego connoisseur, and drone pilot, but my best friend. We were inseparable. On July 25th, 2016, a date so painfully etched in my consciousness, Ethan took his life at just 13 years old. I never thought something so tragic would happen to me. That's the thing about suicide. It doesn't care who you are or how old you are. It obliterates families and lives, destroying everything in its path. It's like the roommate you can't kick out because it's the landlord and it decides when the lease is up. After the loss of my brother when I was ten, life was difficult. No one knew how to console me because they had never gone through what I did. I became angry. The only way I knew how to process this anger was through painting. Every piece of art I made traced back to him as if I were stringing together our story and he would continue to live on in my world. That anger helped me become a more understanding person. I reached out to my friends as much as I could. Having someone to talk with helped me in so many ways. Being nice and considerate makes an impact on those around you. You never know what someone is going through On that fateful day, Ethan was airlifted to the University of Tennessee Medical Center and was placed in the ICU. He was in critical condition. The atmosphere of the hospital was chaotic. Every machine buzzed and beeped, and doctors rushed to save him. I'll never forget how tirelessly they worked. I think that was the moment I knew I wanted to go into healthcare. Since then I have been passionate about medicine and I will pursue a pre-med path in my undergraduate degree and then med school. I have been fortunate enough to have an opportunity to shadow doctors at my local healthcare clinic for my upcoming senior year. This is just the beginning of my journey and the rest of my career. I know I will have a lot of work cut out for me and many hours spent studying, but the end result will be worth it. Even though Ethan didn't survive, I will be able to save countless lives in his honor. My advice to someone who is experiencing this is that it will never get easier. I think the hardest part is the guilt. The guilt of experiencing things they never did and being alive when they aren't. You'll still feel pain, guilt, and anger many years after the loss. It's about how you grow around that pain. Oftentimes we drown ourselves in the thoughts of what we could've said or could've done. The "what ifs" hold us back the most. We can't change the past, but we can change the future. We can push ourselves to be the greatest version of ourselves that we can be, to honor our loved ones, and make them proud. They would want us to be happy. I hope anyone who is struggling with grief seeks help, finds peace within themselves, and finds joy amidst the pain.

Loving Others My main goal in my everyday life is to appreciate those who feel unwanted in such a mean-spirited culture. I remind those who are struggling that they are worthy of love and are capable of many things. I even tell those who are the oppressors, because love has no limits, that they have the potential to change the world in positive ways rather than negative ones. In school, I display my appreciation of things that are different, in hopes that I will effectively change someone’s outlook on that specific thing or idea. Also, I remind others that it is all right to not be strong all the time; those emotions should be felt and felt deeply. If I notice that someone is having a difficult day, the least I can do is be gentle with them. Many young people today are told that their problems could be worse or that they are invalid. Simply asking what you can do for someone is one of the best ways to help and encourage them. Sometimes a friend does not want to discuss their problems and that is fine. Periodically, all a person needs are a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream and a cheesy rom com to feel better. I remind my peers that anxiety, shame, and fear do not hold on to them. Occasionally, I leave small notes to my friends and family to remind them that their presence is essential; that they are strong and here on purpose, for a purpose.