December 6th, 2011 was supposed to be a day filled with joy for me. I sat at my grandmother’s house excitedly waiting for my mom to get off work so that we could go visit my older sister. Jessica, my older sister lived in another state and I treasured every opportunity I had to visit her. However, when my mom walked through the door even my 5 year old self could tell that something was wrong. My mom tearfully informed me that our visit would not go as planned, as my sister had died.
Later on I became aware of the fact that my sister had died via suicide. There’s no exact way to describe the way it feels to learn that someone you love so much completed suicide. Guilt, pain, sadness. But for me, at least while I was at school confusion and jealousy came closest to describing what I felt.
Simple icebreaker questions such as “how many siblings do you have?” or “are you an eldest sibling?” became a point of dread for me. I would feel my heart drop whenever a teacher asked me either of those questions. Sharing that my sister was no longer alive was something that was hard for me to do, as people always asked how. The thing about suicide loss is that those that haven’t experienced is don’t really know how to react when you tell them you lost a loved one that way. I remember one teacher who stared at me for what felt like hours before awkwardly patting my shoulder when I told her how my sister had passed away.
The loss of my sister is something that I feel everyday, some days stronger than others. It is also something that has motivated me. Losing my sister made me value the relationship I have with my brother even more, causing me to work hard to be the best sister to him that I can be. Additionally, my sister was never able to attend college, this has lead me to put my all into school so that one day when the time comes I can go to college, not only for me, but also for her.
When you lose a sibling to suicide, everyday is different. Some days I feel as though a hole is where my heart should be, other days I warmly remember the moments that I shared with my sister. Navigating day to day life can be hard sometimes, especially when you have to worry about external pressures such as school on top of the whirlpool of emotions. Allow yourself to feel these emotions, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. Tell teachers if you need extensions, take mental health days from school. Most importantly, don’t isolate yourself from others. Having a strong support system that understands what you’re going through is one of the things that is most likely to help you get through this tough time. If you feel that you can’t lean on those around you in real life, don’t hesitate to turn to the internet. There are many virtual support groups for those experiencing suicide loss. Remember, to look for the light. I know it’s hard but try not to let the grief consume you. Remember their laugh, their smile, the way they would roll their eyes at you playfully. Remember that they would want you to go on and keep pushing; for them.