Social Anxiety Step Forward Scholarship

I’ve had selective mutism as long as I can remember. By that I don’t mean I was kinda shy and a little scared to talk to people. If the school was on fire I probably would have been burned alive because I wouldn’t be able to scream for help. Thankfully my social abilities have improved to the point where I can function somewhat normally, but I notice now how much it’s changed the way Ive grown up and the relationships that I have .600 words can’t fully explain my experience, but I will try my best. I don’t know how I was diagnosed. I could ask, but I think the fact that I don’t know says everything. I’ve never known life any other way. However The other aspects of my life are very normal. I know there are misconceptions, but I did not experience a traumatic event and I had mentally healthy parents and a stable home life. Aside from being affected by this rare disorder I am a very average person with a very normal upbringing. I spoke normally at home and without thinking about why, didn’t make a sound after being dropped off at school. In order to help me, my parents would reward me with things I wanted whenever I would reach some sort of communication goal. This included whispering to my friend or raising my hand for help or ordering my own food. These did help me improve, I just felt stupid when I couldn’t reach them right away. I sometimes didn’t feel like my effort was appreciated enough and always felt misunderstood. But through some kind of mix between encouragement from family and friends, my own ambition, and Gods voice saying there’s more out there for me, I kept going. It’s also been really helpful for me to cope through forms of creative expression. Although I’ve gotten to a point where I’m viewed as more normal, selective mutism and social anxiety are very isolating. It wasn’t so much when I was younger; The only criticism I would get was an occasional comment like “Why are you so quiet?” Or “Why don’t you just say something?” Now that I’m older I still don’t receive much judgment, but everyone has established their lives without me. Hardly anyone tries to be my friend or even talk to me and when they do I tend to scare them away with my lack of social skills. I now only have a few close friends and haven’t made a new one since middle school. In most social settings I just feel out of place Going to college includes everyone scattering to different parts of the world and feeling lost with their new beginnings. I see college as a fresh start and a time to present myself differently. Since I’ve missed out on the typical school experience, it’s really important for me to have that in college. Additionally I have a lot to offer people. I haven’t decided exactly what I want to do yet but I think I have enough normality for others to relate to but can also relate to people in unique positions like mine and make them feel seen and less alone. Lastly, I won’t take my experience for granted. I know some people don’t see milestones like this as a big deal because so many accomplish them. It took me so much extra effort and I never got the typical experience that has been waved in front of my face for so long. I can’t wait to see what happens now that I have the opportunity.