Unicorn Scholarship

Like most LGBT+ people, I grappled with my identity growing up. I wanted to fit in so I pretended to have crushes on the popular boys and if I liked a girl, I bushed it off as a “girl crush.” All girls have “girl crushes,” right? In high school I began to think of myself as bisexual but that still didn’t quite fit. I couldn’t pinpoint what specifically I liked. I felt broken. Something in me didn’t work the same way as my peers, even the ones who were in the LGBT+ community. On top of that, I am bi-racial and I felt even more ostracized. I am Filipino and Mexican and began to wrestle with anxiety and depression since puberty. I felt isolated. I felt like everyone had a say in who I am except for me. Mexicans would say I am Filipino. Filipinos would say I am Mexican. The LGBT+ community would omit me because I can pass as straight. I felt like my existence was denied. I slowly started to hate myself for being different, for not being enough, for being me. My social isolation and my preexisting mental health issues led me to become suicidal. I was apathetic about life. In Buddhism there is a concept of samsara which means life is suffering. I truly believed this. I didn’t want people to think I was weak but I still wanted to make myself suffer for not being able to fix myself. I began to cut myself in my bikini area where no one would see or ask questions. I learned how to tie a noose. I took out life insurance and wrote a living will. I saved up enough to pay for cremation services, and enough to hire a team to clean out my room and get rid of my things. I wanted to make sure that my death would not burden my family too much. Although I hated myself, I still loved them. As I was saving up, I took a gender studies class in college and I began to learn more about myself. I learned about sexuality and gender constructs. This class was my savior. It was my “Aha” moment. There was a word for what I am; there were lots of words for what I am. This meant that there are others like me. I am demisexual and panromantic. Grey asexuality exists! I instantly felt relief and connected. The hate started to fade; I was able to start healing. I began to love myself little by little with each day. I have come so far and I want to help others too. I want to earn a PsyD and become a Board Certified Behavior Analyst. I aim to open my own practice to improve the quality of life for LGBT+ people with autism spectrum disorder and promote community inclusion. I want to show them that they aren’t broken and give them the tools to navigate the world.