Trever David Clark Memorial Scholarship

I am a survivor of mental illness and suicidal attempts. The topic of mental health is starting to become a less nuanced subject and has gained more awareness in the past few years. Although I was not able to share my story before due to the negative stigma attached, I feel that I am ready now to speak my truth and talk about the most authentic aspects of my experience. Through multiple therapist interviews, mental hospital visits, diagnoses, and medication adjustments, it seemed that I would never be able to feel that my life was worth living. I’ve experienced some intense bullying and racial tensions that led to an inferiority complex that made me feel as though my life was useless. It wasn’t until the year 2018 that I decided to execute my first suicide attempt. It was one of the lowest points in my life. This was also the year that I first started inflicting self-harm. With the stresses of dealing with racial aggressions and starting the college application process soon, I felt that I couldn’t handle another year of this pain. Even as I type this, it’s evident that it's still a sensitive issue that I try to work through daily. 2018 was the first year that I ever visited a mental health hospital, but I’m glad to say that I received good care and a proper diagnosis of my mental illness that at least allowed me to find more appropriate ways of handling this issue. There have been many sleepless and lonely nights, countless emotional breakdowns, and way too many days missed from school, all due to the battle I had within my mind. As can be assumed, my mental illness created hardship with school, my familial and romantic relationships, and my ability to see a brighter future, or at least one with an ounce of light. Looking back on it, I now view this era in my life as my “ocean view”. One of the therapists that I had helped me to discover ways of creating a sense of balance when dealing with this disease, and she made me discover that I wanted to view life as an ocean because the waves never stay permanently still or permanently unstable. There are always going to be peaceful and calming moments where the waters glisten on the surface and there’s a harmonious rhythm in the push and pull of the waves. Likewise, there are also always going to be hostile and dangerous moments where the waters are unforgiving and swallow any ounce of light that had been present moments or days before. The main takeaway is that I, and anyone on this plane of existence, will never be completely happy every single day or completely crestfallen as well. Life is always changing, and that’s one of the beauties of it that I couldn’t see before. The medicine I am currently taking has made me see life in a whole new light. I can now cope much better than I was able to in the past, and it feels like the difference between night and day. My experiences with my mental health have been extremely challenging but have made me realize that there is nothing I want more than to be an advocate for those who have ever felt that there was no hope, and that’s why I want to pursue a legal career in human rights. Even with one of the hardest mental illnesses to control, I can confidently say that I am handling my mental health far better than I ever thought I would be able to.

My struggle with my mental health forced me to climb many mountains. At the end of freshman year, I overdosed on drugs and spent three days in the PICU. This was my third suicide attempt in a year. I had previously been released and put into numerous programs to help me stay sober from drugs and self-harm. I expected nothing different from this visit and expected to be out and in a new program in a week, but not this time. I was being sent to a residential facility almost 2000 miles from my home. Upon discharge from the hospital, I boarded a flight to California with my parents. I wanted to think positively but I knew I was going to be away from my friends, family, and life at home for the next few months. I just couldn't stop thinking about how all my friends were going to move on with their lives and forget about me. I have a very hard time remembering any emotions I was feeling, but I remember being so mad. I was so mad that all my friends back home got to live normal teenage lives and I had to disappear for 2 months to be normal like they were. It wasn't fair. Once we landed in LA, my parents drove me to the residential home. While saying goodbye to my parents I could see how much my addiction had hurt them; I could see the pain behind their eyes and I knew this was my last chance. My last chance to change, my last chance to get better, and my last chance to no longer be a burden to my family. Every Saturday one of the group leaders took us hiking. On my first hike, the group leader ran beside me to the top of the mountain. At the top, he told me that I was not an average kid, and the program I was in was going to be a lot of work. I would have to climb until I reached success. I couldn’t stop halfway and have a relapse. He repeated, “Climb, conquer, and move on.” Those words stuck with me. I wanted to escape the prison of pain my mind had built for me. I decided it was time to take control of my mind and my life. When I completed my program in California my climb was not over; I spent the next five months in an intensive outpatient program. I balanced my sobriety while attending my sophomore year of high school, reconnecting with friends, and playing sports. It took a very large toll on my mental health when I came home and saw that the world and the people I love moved on without me. I had to tackle that mental block, "Maybe they don't need me here". “Climb, conquer, move on" stuck with me. I have been drug-free for over two years now and I see how much of an impact I make in this world. Some days I see the top of the mountain in sight, and I keep on climbing. Other days I rest. I may have stumbled and lost some ground, but I have never gone back to the bottom. My next climb will be as I start my college career. That is an adventure I have prepared for more than most of my peers. My struggle almost cost me my life, and I know just how strong I am and what I need to do to overcome any boulder, hill, mountain, or storm life throws my way. Climb. Conquer. Move On.

May 29th is the day that would change my life, marking the beginning of my mental health journey. After something as simple as a relationship that led me astray, and ultimately ended in disaster, I battled against a wave of depression. May 29th was the day I attempted to take my own life. Fortunately, I survived. Although I have mentally struggled my whole life, this was the turning point at which I decided that I needed to get my life back on track. This event eventually led me to become the person I am today. Descending from a long line of women who have fought various mental disorders and neurological disorders, it felt inevitable that I would be diagnosed with something eventually. However, it was not certain that my disorders would ravage my life. The women in my family are some of the strongest and hardest working people I know, which has also contributed to the woman I am becoming. Mental wellness is such an important concept to me, especially in our rapidly advancing society. More and more diagnostics are coming out that connect so many different things to mental illnesses, like trauma, genetics, environment, injuries, etc… Something that sharply sticks out to me, however, is the speculated link between social media use, depression, and even suicide. Honestly, it all makes sense, and I am able to connect different results to all sorts of occurrences in my life. Personally, school is a huge contributor to my mental well-being, as I struggled to find a real friend group until just this year. Mental health is such an academically challenging, yet pleasing concept. But I see deeper into it than that. I genuinely love advocating for mental health simply because I want to help those who may be stuck in the same mentality that I once was. I want to change the world and leave an impact on people, one at a time. Spending the entirety of my life in a small town in Wyoming, I experienced limited opportunities in the mental health realm. When the occasions finally began arising because of advancing technological social distribution, I jumped on them. I attended and ended up leading the Wyoming Call for Youth Mental Health Panel, which was an amazing experience. I shared my various ideas on how better support may be offered in school districts. I strongly support the idea of specified mental health resources for all students to be available. Social-emotional learning, or SEL, is another concept that I find so important, as it strengthens the self-awareness, self-control, and interpersonal skills that are vital for school, work, and life success. Although I do advocate for mental wellness, I still sometimes find it difficult to maintain my own mental wellness. My favorite thing to do to feel better is simply to move my body. I joined my high school's cross-country team for that exact reason; if I couldn’t find the motivation to exercise, I would just have to be forced to. It always puts me in a better mood, and it helps that my team is all close. I also attend counseling sessions every week and practice different coping strategies. Therapy is such a healthy thing that I think all people should try it at least once in their lives; I could be biased, as I want to become an elementary school counselor in the future. Nonetheless, I do not apologize for my bias. Mental health is undoubtedly becoming a larger issue in our world, and it is crucial to continue spreading awareness.

I knew deep down something was always “wrong” with my emotions. I struggled heavily during freshman year and sophomore year of high school due to trauma. Back in my freshman year I was sexually assaulted and raped by my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) at the time. The rape was within his own home, but the sexual assault was at school where anyone could’ve seen - A teacher did. After those incidents I never felt the same. That same day I was pulled into the office, told I was suspended (for 3 days) for sexual misconduct and that I had to do a interview with policemen because he was over the age of 16 and could possibly be charged as a sex offender. I was only 15 at the time. I sat alone in an empty room waiting for my interview to happen. Alone with just my thoughts. I grew so much hatred for myself and disgust. I didn’t know what to do. I felt trapped within those four walls of my mind. Even after the interview ended. I wasn’t allowed to return to classes. I had to stay in that same room until school was over. I was in that room for 4 hours. Only 30 minutes of that was my interview. I thought of everything and anything under the sun being alone. Why couldn’t I push him off? Why can’t I leave? Why am I like this? Was this all my fault? At the end of the day, he was never charged as a sex offender - I never verbally said no to him so he couldn’t be charged. How was I to say no as his penis was down my throat? I had to go home that day defeated. I remember those three days of suspension acting fine. I didn’t feel the affects until I had to return back to school. I felt anxiety grow inside of me. The increase of my heartbeat, the constant stares I would feel, shaky hands, and the fear of others knowing. Whenever I saw him at school, my heart almost stopped. He would approach me, try to talk and follow me. He knew everything about my schedule, my life, as I knew nothing of his. I needed to change everything. For the rest of the year I grew distant. My mental state made me see the worse in everyone. I didn’t trust anyone after that. I couldn’t see the good in life. I always saw the good in people and in life but at that time, it vanished. Throughout that summer I thought about suicide. No one would care if I was gone. If I was gone, I wouldn’t have to feel the way I feel. I soon felt depressed after that year. Sophomore year was rough to say the least. I still did what every high schooler would do so no one would ask me what’s wrong. My mask stayed on until I was in my room. I never did hurt myself but I thought about ways I could make my death as painless as humanly possible. I was too scared to commit - something I hated myself for. As of now, I’m a junior in college. I take medication for depression, and in a loving relationship. I improve as do my thoughts. I still have some days, but it’s been better. Some days I’ll pour the whole bottle of pills in my hand and think what I could do with this. I don’t know what past me would’ve done, but present me, puts them back in the bottle.

Growing up, my mom was always present, active and loving and one day it all changed. I remember at the start of 6th grade my mom and dad were having a conversation outside like usual at drop off and I thought nothing of it. Little did I know my dad had found out about the multitude of parties being thrown with illicit substances around and in use while my brothers and I were in the house. Each week I would notice my mom becoming less and less involved in our daily routines, or even being present at all. Days would go by before she emerged from her room, only to scream about how the house was not yet cleaned. I did not understand what was happening, it was like a flip had switched and my mom was gone. Years of this on and off moments would go by and it just got worse each day. My dad was trying to get my mom help in the background but she refused. She would leave me and my brothers home alone with no food in the house, be gone for a day and come back like she never left. Little did we know she was being affected by mental illness. I wish that my mom knew that she did not have to hide her mental illness from us. The days she would go away would be due to mania and she thought it was better for her to leave. Thinking that everyone was out to get her and saw her as a problem was a huge factor in her mental illness. Her disease left me confused and scared, wondering what had happened, why did this happen, and how it all changed so fast. I may never know the answer to this but this is what drove me to become a nurse. I hope to help individuals suffering from mental illness or their families to understand how to address mental illness. I believe that it is important for those who are suffering from mental illness to know that they do have support and that mental illness is not something that is shameful. I aspire to show those with mental illness that those in the medical field want to help and make them feel better and are not out to get them. I have learned that empathy and not judgment is important because you never know the reason behind someone's mental state.