I knew deep down something was always “wrong” with my emotions. I struggled heavily during freshman year and sophomore year of high school due to trauma. Back in my freshman year I was sexually assaulted and raped by my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) at the time. The rape was within his own home, but the sexual assault was at school where anyone could’ve seen - A teacher did. After those incidents I never felt the same. That same day I was pulled into the office, told I was suspended (for 3 days) for sexual misconduct and that I had to do a interview with policemen because he was over the age of 16 and could possibly be charged as a sex offender. I was only 15 at the time. I sat alone in an empty room waiting for my interview to happen. Alone with just my thoughts. I grew so much hatred for myself and disgust. I didn’t know what to do. I felt trapped within those four walls of my mind. Even after the interview ended. I wasn’t allowed to return to classes. I had to stay in that same room until school was over. I was in that room for 4 hours. Only 30 minutes of that was my interview. I thought of everything and anything under the sun being alone. Why couldn’t I push him off? Why can’t I leave? Why am I like this? Was this all my fault? At the end of the day, he was never charged as a sex offender - I never verbally said no to him so he couldn’t be charged. How was I to say no as his penis was down my throat? I had to go home that day defeated. I remember those three days of suspension acting fine. I didn’t feel the affects until I had to return back to school. I felt anxiety grow inside of me. The increase of my heartbeat, the constant stares I would feel, shaky hands, and the fear of others knowing. Whenever I saw him at school, my heart almost stopped. He would approach me, try to talk and follow me. He knew everything about my schedule, my life, as I knew nothing of his. I needed to change everything. For the rest of the year I grew distant. My mental state made me see the worse in everyone. I didn’t trust anyone after that. I couldn’t see the good in life. I always saw the good in people and in life but at that time, it vanished. Throughout that summer I thought about suicide. No one would care if I was gone. If I was gone, I wouldn’t have to feel the way I feel. I soon felt depressed after that year. Sophomore year was rough to say the least. I still did what every high schooler would do so no one would ask me what’s wrong. My mask stayed on until I was in my room. I never did hurt myself but I thought about ways I could make my death as painless as humanly possible. I was too scared to commit - something I hated myself for. As of now, I’m a junior in college. I take medication for depression, and in a loving relationship. I improve as do my thoughts. I still have some days, but it’s been better. Some days I’ll pour the whole bottle of pills in my hand and think what I could do with this. I don’t know what past me would’ve done, but present me, puts them back in the bottle.