"I love you. Have the best day," were my dad's last words as he dropped me off at school on May 5, 2011. Little did I know moments like those would be cherished memories. You see, I was unaware that he was fighting a daily battle against his mental health. I discovered later on that my father had been quietly fighting a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and depression. Unfortunately, he became the fourth generation in his family to die by suicide, following his father, grandfather, and aunt.
Despite our loss, my mom did an excellent job of normalizing our family's story and never letting us feel ashamed of our grief. She taught us to honor our broken parts and to live our lives in a way that would make my dad proud. She also worked hard to create a space where it was okay to talk about our mental health and that sometimes our brains can be wired differently, just like my dad. She made us understand that there is never any shame in asking for help; sometimes, that is the bravest thing we can do.
After a few years post-loss, my family found support and comfort in advocacy work. My mother became involved with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, a non-profit organization that educates, funds research, holds community events, and more. She began participating in walks and organizing various events and trainings. It was powerful and inspiring to watch her share in large groups, to share her pain, and to listen to others share their stories. Eventually, she became the Chairperson for AFSP’s state chapter, which, in many ways, was instrumental in making sense of this tragic topic. I joined her in these efforts, volunteering at community walks and meeting people like me. I had felt so alone in this loss, but to see that other kids and even adults had lost a parent to suicide made me feel not so alone. During junior high and high school, I had the opportunity to go on a local morning show several times where I shared my story and talked about how this loss impacted me, talked about being a teenager, and the genuine struggles of talking about mental health and suicide prevention and education.
Over time, memories have begun to fade; I used to hear him when I would close my eyes and think of him. I wonder if I am like him. My mom tells me I embody much of his spirit, likes, and dislikes. I hear stories about him and go through his old pictures from when he was my age, and the traits that stood out about him are that he was patient, thoughtful, kind, and would do anything to help anyone, from what my Auntie and mom have said, he did that until the very end. As I grow up and think about the person I want to be, I think of my dad. These are the traits that I want to embody and share with the world both personally and in my career.
As I look forward, I want to take my deepest hurts and losses and use them for good; just because something painful happened does not mean it has to define me. In doing this, I want to walk alongside youth and their families who are navigating the road of suicide loss. Though it is complex and multilayered, being able to combine my education and experiences with this grief and be a support to others is the best and purest way to honor my dad and make an impact in this world.
As you come across and interact with new people you start to build meaningful relationships or connections that you're capable of learning from while growing as a person overall, yet it never occurs to you that the most positive teachers in your life could be suffering from the most negativity as well. I would realize this my sophomore year of high school after I met my would-be close friend and positive teacher Xavier who impacted my life in a way for which I'm forever grateful. Despite us both being sophomore students I refer to him as one of the teachers in my life as through him I learned to better appreciate my individuality and how though everyone is unique that uniqueness doesn't mean we're alone as we experience the highs and lows of life. With this new insight from him, I started to develop a mindset where I started to see things in a more positive light, but it wouldn't be until later that I would question whether the things he told me were things he often needed to hear himself.
It was otherwise a normal day at school when I noticed Xavier wasn't there, which usually didn't surprise me since he was often never present at school or in class, so I didn't think anything of it. Soon after, while preparing to start class another close friend of Xavier came up to me and asked if I knew what happened to him worrying me as endless what-ifs flooded my mind as he then told me about how Xavier was currently in the hospital due to attempted suicide and that he was texting him showing me pictures of him with a pulse oximeter attached to his finger. Xavier wanted his friend to reveal to me how he along with his siblings suffered abuse from his parents at home while also leaving a message telling me to always stay true to myself and that he was sorry since he would be switching schools. After the realization set in, what hurt me the most was that those who knew what happened didn't seem to care as if they were desensitized to it and when I thought of how alone or scared Xavier felt the whole time, I couldn't stop myself from crying in class with that being the last I would hear about him for awhile.
What happened to Xavier would further open my eyes to the realization that you never really know what someone is going through sometimes until it's too late. This in turn would be a source of aspiration toward me setting myself on the path to becoming a counseling psychologist or LPC in the mental health field. Through this career, I strive to help others struggling with mental health while also acting as an outlet for those who have suffered from issues including abuse and who feel they are alone. Moreover, being in the mental health field would give me the opportunity where others would be able to learn from me as I did from Xavier, impacting their lives in positive ways.
Overall awareness surrounding mental health has only recently become something talked about. Those suffering from issues involving mental health must be not just able but willing to reach out for help as well. Keeping this in mind as a counseling psychologist or LPC I'll be able to actively work towards supporting mental health and guiding others. Furthermore, with the chance to make a difference so much so that it could save lives like Xavier’s, I'm determined to give my all to make that goal to fruition.
