Nabi Nicole Grant Memorial Scholarship

Three years ago, I experienced what some might call a mental health crisis and others would call a “dark night of the soul.” For months, I experienced an onslaught of intrusive thoughts that challenged my understanding of and faith in God. Though this was the most difficult and distressing time of my life, I would not erase it if I could. Because I relied on God when He was all I had, my prayer and devotional life, spiritual character, and trust in God grew exponentially. In many ways, I am a different person now. My life is a testimony that suffering can produce immeasurably good things in our lives. It all started in March of 2021. After a somewhat traumatic event, I began to recognize thoughts running through my mind that I found disturbing. Negative thoughts about God were especially prominent. I now know that I was experiencing intrusive thoughts, a phenomenon that is linked with OCD (a condition I had) and can be triggered by traumatic events. At the time, however, I felt guilty and confused about why my mind was conjuring these distressing thoughts. Deep down, did I really believe these horrible ideas? Had I done something to cause this problem? Would God ever forgive me for thinking these appalling things about Him? Day after day, the thoughts grew more disturbing and more frequent. I knew that these thoughts were incompatible with my Christian beliefs, but I had no way to get rid of them. So, I did the only thing I could do: I focused on God and asked for His help. I filled my mind with Christian music, memorized and recited Scripture (Psalm 91 was especially helpful), prayed without ceasing, and read the Bible daily. I studied the Psalms and, like David, trusted God to deliver me from heartache and torment. I spoke true things about God whenever a lie about Him entered my mind. These actions did not lessen the intrusive thoughts, but they intensified my determination. Like Job, I gained experiential knowledge of God, whereas I previously had head knowledge of Him. I learned that even when God does not intervene immediately, He is good: He has done so much for me thus far and has earned my trust. This experience was an opportunity to practice my faith, a chance to show God—and the powers of darkness—that I truly believed what I proclaimed. A few months of this passed. Though I was wounded mentally and spiritually by the intrusive thoughts, I had faith that God was with me. I knew that the Lord was my Shepherd, and I had all I needed as long as He was with me. I could have given up, but God built endurance in me so I could weather the storm, which started to subside when two things happened. First, my doctor prescribed a medication that helped quell the intrusive thoughts. The medication did not eliminate them, but it made life more bearable. Second, having studied and written about God’s Word a lot during this experience, I realized that I was called to ministry in biblical teaching. I enrolled in Regent University, and the rest is history. Focusing on schoolwork decreased the intrusive thoughts even more, and today I am off the medication and free from intrusive thoughts entirely. Suffering is like an ugly wrapper that encloses a valuable gift. Through suffering, God gave me the gifts of closeness with Him, strengthened faith, and strong character. While hindsight is 20/20, and I could have handled my “dark night of the soul” differently in some respects, I have no regrets.

My freshman year of college was definitely a challenge. I am now an incoming California Baptist University sophomore majoring in Songwriting and minoring in Christian Studies. Moving to college and adjusting was fine, but the problem was not depending on my parents to solve my problems because I was now an adult. I constantly felt as if I wasn't talented enough to be in the music program. I initially went to college as a Worship Arts major with the same minor as now. I had friends and was doing pretty well in my classes. However, I had this feeling that I didn't belong. I tried my best to be the best at music so I didn't feel that way, but nothing changed how I felt. The spring semester was even more challenging. My classes were more difficult, and I put more pressure on myself to succeed and be the best. I was at risk of not passing some classes, I had a severe ankle injury, and I still had finals to study for, concerts to rehearse for, and auditions to prepare for. I was so stressed that I couldn't even enjoy spending time with family and friends because all I did was worry and stress over everything I had to do. I had this same feeling in high school in 2020 during the COVID-19 pandemic. I convinced myself that I would be better of doing something practical like law than becoming a singer because there was no way I was as talented of a singer as other people. I had done mock trial and excelled in it so I figured law would be the most practical career for me. I dove deep into law schools, scholarships, internships, etc., but through it all, I felt miserable because I wasn't doing what I dreamed of since I was a little girl. Once I opened my eyes to the misery I was putting myself through, God began to speak to me and tell me that the gift of singing He gave me was not to be doubted but to be nourished. So, at that moment, I decided to walk in His gifts and not run from them because of my fear. This moment played in my heart while I was in college, struggling and doubting my abilities. I had lost sight of what God had told me, allowing my fear to consume me. When God reminded me of the words He spoke, I became different: someone my friends had not seen and someone I had not seen in a long time. I started to remember the dreams and aspirations God had instilled in me for my life from an early age. I had written that my dreams were to be a singer, make music for the Lord, and make music that can touch people’s hearts like it does mine. I wanted to break barriers like the artists I’ve looked up to, to have a Billboard chart-topping song, to win a Grammy, Dove Award, Stellar Award, American Music Award, and a Billboard Music Award all in the same year. But all in all, I just wanted to praise the Lord through my voice, whether in front of a sold-out stadium, or church congregation. I then decided that even though worship was what I wanted to do, the program was not helping me achieve my dream, so I became a songwriting major, keeping my Christian studies minor. I am now a Worship Director of a church, and after changing my major, God began to move in my life like never before.

in 2020, I gave birth to my third child. A beautiful baby girl. When I gave birth to her, I experienced the worst postpartum depression. I became suicidal and overall overwhelmed by everything that was going on around me. It was the middle of the global COVID-19 pandemic and I couldn't not rely on anyone to help me or be with me. My husband did his best but could not provide the support that I needed. One day while driving across the Bay Bridge in the San Francisco Bay Area, voices began to tell me to crash my car. I did not have my children in the car with me which prompted me to think about them being better off without me due to me having life insurance. Immediately after processing those thoughts, the Spirit of God began to speak to me. I pulled my car over to the side of the road and began crying out to God to save me from my thoughts. As tears rolled down my face, I prayed and sat on the side of the road for 30 minutes. While sitting there in silence, I hear God say, "Preach my Word". I've been in church all of my life and knew that God had a calling on my life, but that day verified what I have felt and what God had showed me since I was 16 years old. I was so emotional and began to tell God that I'm emotional and I don't have the capacity to preach to anybody. But He continued to tell me to "Preach my Word". Since that day, I have been preaching and teaching God's word every opportunity that I get. My whole life I've been down hearted and feeling insignificant, and from time to time, that feeling comes and attempts to remind me of who I used to be. But I now rely on the Spirit and peace of God to get me through my tough days. Now, through my experiences and the things that God has brought me through, I can encourage someone else. I always tell my church that our experiences in life are not for ourselves, but for the person in a similar situation that we can minister to them and let them know that God brought us through. We all overcome by the word of our testimony and we should share our experiences so that others may be saved.

About four years ago, I was going through a really tough time managing my mental health. There was a constant, heavy burden on me, and it was unsettling in my soul. I realized I had shifted my focus away from my faith, away from God and was struggling. I was spiraling out of control, hearing negative thoughts, and no one seemed to be able to help. Looking back, I believe this isolation was a reminder from God that I should turn to Him for help and healing. During this time, my friends couldn't even pray for me because they were also overwhelmed. So, I had to rely on my faith in God. I knew that by being dedicated, determined, and disciplined I could overcome anything. I began to read and study the bible every day. It was as if God was talking to me through the words, showing me what I needed to change about myself to save my soul. I learned to replace my negative thoughts with scripture about how God sees me. I realized that I am loved and valuable in His eyes. Slowly, I started to rebuild myself. I used positive affirmations and spent time in prayer and worship. It was a slow process, but it taught me to be patient and to trust in God. At the time, I did not realize how strong I was, I felt faint when I walked. I thought I was going to die. I wanted to skip past the process, but God knew I needed to be refined. It is a pain that I will always remember, and I never want to lose sight of God again. As I began to heal, God would reveal to me a glimmer of hope. Some days I felt great, it was as if God was showing me that He was pleased with my progress and the change He saw in me. This act of love from God strengthened my faith and motivated me to want to continue pressing on until I was completely free and healed. I believe I was able to persevere through this storm by encouraging myself and keeping the faith, and it changed me for the better. I now have a new perspective on life. I know that even when things seem tough, God is working things out for my highest good. I'm grateful for even the small problems because I've learned that through prayer, God answers in His own time. My mental health was a challenge I overcame that strengthened my faith and showed me that I can get through any challenge with God's help. I firmly believe that God didn't heal me just for my benefit. He healed me so I could be a source of hope and healing for others. As I move forward, I'm excited about making a positive impact in my community. I am involved in my church’s outreach ministry and have faith that my heart for prison ministry will help heal, restore and make disciples in the world. I aim to see others the way God sees them and not based upon their circumstances. The most important thing to me is that sharing my own story of healing can serve as a miracle for someone else. I am grateful that my mental health challenge was where I rekindled my faith and found healing. This journey has transformed me into a stronger and more resilient woman. I now aspire to be a source of hope, restoration, and healing for others, inspired by my own experience.

As a young girl, I was privileged to live in innocence. Looking back, I can see how my parents sheltered me from different hardships that have taken place in our family. They were the most influential people in my life. They were my heroes. You always believe your hero would be with you, never does it cross your mind that one day they will be gone. This is the reality of my life. My mom was my best friend. A true character that instilled in me solid morals and values that I have carried with me even throughout adulthood. These same values of integrity, kindness, and love I wish to spread to any individual I come in contact with in my life. Parental loss is something no individual is truly prepared for. There are no courses on sudden death you can take to prepare you for losing someone you're so close to. I had just begun the spring semester of my second year in college when my mom passed away. In attempts to process the reality of my new life, my mental health began to decline. My grief and sadness drove me into a deep depression to the point where I was physically unable to focus or work on anything. I had to take a medical leave from school to save my GPA. Days merged, time ticked on, and people continued living their normal lives while I stayed stuck in time. The home that was once filled with the savory smells of my mom's cooking was now filled with stale silence. I was suffering. That is until I began to ask for help. I knew to continue with my life and make the most of it, I had to make some changes. One of the ladies in my church reached out to me one day and asked me a simple question. 'Would you like to talk?' Who knew this simple question would open up a huge world of emotions in me? I had been so consumed with my grief, as well as the well-being of others that I never took the time to express what I'd been feeling inside. After, talking to her I felt such a release. It was as if a part of that burden of heaviness began to lift off of me. In that moment I knew this was something I needed to continue to pursue. We would meet for a few hours every other week to counsel and pray. Ironically, on the one hand, what was the most difficult time in my life, actually turned out to be the best time spiritually. I've never heard the voice of God so clearly than in the middle of my storm. Though I was hurting from the loss of my mom, I had so much peace and confidence knowing where she was going. Life continued on and many hardships arose however, I know where my faith resides. It was at this time that I felt the call to go to bible college to pursue a degree in missions. Never in my life did I want to go to a bible college. If it was up to me I would've continued pursuing my degree in business, but God had other plans. Today, I am a junior in bible college following the will of God for my life. I moved across the country by faith believing God would provide for me. This wouldn't be possible if it weren't for me stepping out in faith and asking for help in my time of sorrow and God made my path straight.