The single biggest obstacle for our family, since my dad died in 2019, is definitely financial stress. I wouldn’t say that I have “overcome” it as much as that I acknowledge it and understand the magnitude of my father’s health deterioration and ultimately how that impacted our family’s ability to live the life we used to live while he was alive and healthy.
When I was little, my dad had a good job. We took vacations and went out to dinner often. I went to sleep-away camp in the summers. We lived in a big house and I don’t remember ever thinking about things like the cost of food or whether an activity was too expensive. My dad suffered from anxiety, depression, and then addiction. He wasn’t able to keep his job and he spent a lot of years trying to get better, but not succeeding. Eventually he died of liver failure. He was 46 years old.
My dad didn’t want to be miserable. He was my soccer coach until I was in the fifth grade. I was absolutely terrible at soccer, but he had played in college and loved the game. I hung in until it was clear that all of my still-playing peers were far more talented. I discovered rowing right around the time that my dad stopped leaving the house. I rowed in a development program in the 7th grade and the next year, I rowed on a competitive team. It became something I do nearly every day - all seasons. It is hard to explain, but rowing takes tremendous stamina and a desire to push through pain. It feels peaceful and powerful to pull an oar blade through the river over and over.
Sometimes I wonder if rowing might have helped my dad if he had tried it before it was too late. I think he would have connected with the meditative and endorphin producing qualities of my sport. He never got to see me in a boat. I rowed for an entire year while he was still alive and he just couldn’t bring himself down to the river.
My mom knows how much rowing means to me. Season after season in this very expensive sport she has scraped together funds, set up payment plans, sold anything we have of value, just so I can row.
We have other obstacles in our family - but most are overcome by making choices and recognizing our limitations. I direct my own healthcare, managing appointments. I cook for myself frequently and often do the grocery shopping. If the car needs an oil change or an inspection, I am able to handle it. My mom works full time. She also works a winter weekend job. These obstacles are just basic self-care but, I am pretty confident that there is a silver lining to this. I head to college having managed my school, my sport, my basic needs, and a part-time job.
And the obstacles we have yet to face are pretty clear too. I feel my dad’s absence at milestones and also in little weird moments when I want to share something with him or cook a meal with him. He has been gone for five years. I really do wish he had seen me row. I have medaled at rowing’s national championship. I have won at Head of the Charles. I made the national team last summer and rowed at Worlds in Paris. It wasn’t “his sport” but I know he would have been proud.
There are many things in life that are meant to be taken slow, maturing being one of them. Most kids have their whole childhood to figure out the process of becoming an adult, but my timeline was cut short. I grew up in the shadow of a professional basketball player by day, but an abuser by night. On one hand, I was grateful to learn from one of the best athletes in sports, but on the other hand, I wished I had the opportunity to experience being a kid without being exposed to mental abuse, therapy sessions, and a toxic father that carried into my personal life. By the age of 12 I had been through custody battles, scheduled visitations, and weekly therapy sessions all because of a father figure who used his manipulation to make me fall into a false sense of security. I was faced with the challenges of living up to his athletic expectations as well as training my brain to mature at an early age to cope with the mental abuse. Thankfully I had a strong independent mother that wouldn’t give up on me.
I started playing volleyball in 6th grade to shift my focus. Because of my background, I put in an immense amount of dedication into this sport, and eventually grew into a very talented player. Although all contact with my dad had been cut off, he still made an appearance at some of my games. Since I was still young, his presence affected my performance. After accepting that I had no control over his actions, I decided to tackle my mental situation and learn different techniques to put me at ease that way I could truly give my all to this sport.
Even though my father played a big role in my mental maturity, he wasn’t the only challenge I faced. I went into high school with the intention of making a name for myself, one that didn’t have my dads name attached to it. I started my high school career strong, but then came the injuries. By the age of 17, I had broken my elbow twice, tore my Labrum, both Patellar Tendons, and my MCL. Recovery was exhausting, but my end goal sat prominently in the front of my head. I wanted to be just as successful as my father, but prove to myself and others that although having good genes was helpful, accomplishing your dreams was something only you had control over.
One thing from my trauma that I proudly carry with me to this day is the inability to let myself, or others down.
I choose to look at life from a different perspective. Because of this, I am able to push myself to be the best person, student, and athlete I can be, and I take pride in knowing people can count on me in any situation. I’ve learned to take difficult situations and use them as fuel to lead me to success.
Now, I am a high school student athlete, committed to play D1 volleyball at Mercer University who pushed through years of hardships to get to where I am now. But that’s not the only thing in my vision.
On top of my accomplishments, I see a person who is not a victim of my circumstances, someone who is hungry for more, and is willing to give my all in every situation. My experiences in life are what led me to choosing a degree in Psychology, I truly believe that I can use my experiences to help others cope and manage trauma, especially as children.
