Catherine (Kay) Williams Memorial Arts Scholarship

This painting is titled Can't Fix Me. My inspiration for this painting did not fully strike until I was in the middle of painting it. My original plan was to simply paint a girl, whole and unbroken. Then, I decided that I wanted a stronger message behind it. The title describes the journey we take of trying to fix ourselves to satisfy the standards of others, and in the process, losing who we are. I was inspired by how strong this desire to fix ourselves is in high school. We are surrounded by hundreds of different opinions and standards, and I would feel as though I needed to change to fit into those boxes. I watched others carefully in how they would act, as well as the responses they got from others. Whenever I saw someone get a positive and validating response to who they were, I would feel as though I should be that way as well in order to receive that same validation. But, in the process, I found that I changed so much so quickly that I couldn't remember who or how I was in the first place. I had become so many different people except myself; my identity was everyone else's. Truthfully, it was a bit disorienting, as though I was lost. That's what this painting is about. The girl has tried to change so much that her original identity is breaking and fading away. Although, it's fading slowly. That's the worst part. When you change for others, you don't see it at first. It's slow. Small specks of yourself are fading away but you're too occupied to notice. Her eyes, which I worked to make look like she was looking at the painting's viewer, are almost begging the viewer for answers. She's asking what to do next, or worse, who to be next. But she's also crying for help. Losing yourself is a scary process. It's a choice you have to make of whether you will continue to change or try desperately to re-unite yourself with the only person whose opinions of you should matter: you. Although, change is also inevitable. As we grow and learn from our mistakes, we change. It's how that change affects us that matters. Are we being truthful and honest with ourselves, and who we want to be, or are we letting ourselves fall into self-destruction? This is the intended meaning of the painting, but I also want to open it up to interpretation. I want the viewer to hear the message that speaks to them and perhaps even see themselves in the girl. That's what I want my art to do: speak to and inspire others.