My favorite piece in my Portfolio is called "Deny" and it means a lot to me because it represents feelings and emotions that are shared among groups of marginalized people. Being a colored woman, it is hard to have my voice heard and have it be as respected as the voice of white people, because of this, I tend to be afraid to share my thoughts and keep them hidden, as I am used to them being shut out, or undervalued. This is just one aspect of what it feels like to be part of a community where you are the minority. No matter the level of skill or study, it is likely that a white man will have more importance and relevance compared to a colored individual.
"Deny" is ultimately an attempt to encapsulate that feeling; Being undervalued, unheard, left in the dark, and occasionally have your efforts and victories seen as mercy, with white individuals using the fact that you're colored to play the part of being a savior that allowed your success to occur. It is hard to accept this reality, but it is something that most marginalized peoples understand to be set in place, something that will likely linger for years to come.
Although this piece is something that I relate to it is not just for me, but all the people who have felt themselves in this position of having to duck their head in the face of society's perceived inferiority of them. This piece was made while I was a highschooler and studying AP American History, a class that showed me how long this pattern has been ongoing for and the lasting impacts but also large strives that have been made to improve these conditions. "Deny" isn't intended to be entirely negative, the picture can be interpreted in two completely different ways. It was important to me while making it that it could be adjusted to different contexts. While it does represent adversity, it can also represent hope for the future, hope for change, hope for improvement.
I considered it of upmost importance to me for this piece to have this double meaning, depending on what the viewer was feeling. A goal in my art is always to not just remind the viewer of oppression, but to remind that there is hope and that with enough effort we are on an upwards trajectory to a better society where we will hopefully no longer have to worry about the system that has suppressed for so long.
Desire in Every Fiber
Art and the individual that creates it have an intrinsic relationship unlike anything else in this universe. An artist may create the artwork with their own hands, any medium they choose, any canvas they may find, and bring to life the images they dream of. But throughout the artistic process and the final work, there is an unmistakable element given to the artist by the artwork itself. It is a level of expression, understanding, and peace (or furthered curiosity) that an artist can only achieve through intentional dedication to creating their passion. Art is truth and if you are honest with the work you make, the truth will reflect back to you.
At the beginning of my transition, I began to form a mindset that my transness and queerness were a burden to my art. I believed that my art should never express queer ideas or themes and that doing so would change others’ views of the value of my art. With this mindset, I grew a dishonest relationship with my art. My real thoughts and feelings were withheld from the canvas. Instead, I depicted ideal images of myself, my life, and my feelings. The dishonesty led to a disconnect within my passion for art. Working so hard to ignore the reality of my queerness stunted my personal growth and self-exploration.
Eventually, as the years went by I began to open up to my transness. Doodles became sketches and became full artworks. Slowly telling a story of my real thoughts and ideas. Under layers of paint, my transness peeked through. It was not until this year, when I created the work “Desire in Every Fiber '', that I really let go of any shame I felt depicting my transness in my art. This drawing illustrates a future version of myself in my transition, with his arms raised and a smile on his face. On the left is a poem I wrote about my passion for art. Surrounding my figure are stars, sky, and rays of light. The work was made with the intention of truly seeing me and my queerness. I promised myself to make the artwork for myself and only myself. Through the process, I was honest with my own feelings and it birthed one of the most euphoric and passionate paintings I have ever created.
Since making this work, I have experienced a new level of self-love both for myself and my art. Though I gave life to the work itself, the piece has given me back a gift bigger than life. It has opened my eyes to how good it can feel to be oneself openly and without shame. No longer do I feel an obligation to make myself small for others, instead, like the figure in my work, I want to stretch my arms wide and take up as much space as possible with my art, my feelings, my thoughts, and my queerness.
My painting Haven is on a 30”x40” canvas with acrylic paint. At the top, there is a blue heron in flight and at the bottom, there is a woman underwater looking back at the viewer surrounded by a swirl of freshwater fish. Haven was inspired by my connection to nature, and more specifically, the pond in my backyard. This is my favorite piece in my portfolio, and although the skill level is outdated, the emotions I was able to capture radiates through me whenever I view the piece. It is more than just acrylic on canvas, but rather a snapshot of my passions and emotions.
I have spent countless days sitting on the banks of a pond in my backyard using the leaves of the trees that lay above me as a shelter from the world. I looked out over the pond’s dark surface dotted with algae and lilies, and imagined myself -- safe and protected under the waters of that murky pool -- in total serenity and out of touch with the fast-paced world above. In that water, it is another realm -- a world of silence twirling in slow motion. A haven from the modern world. This pond, along with the ancient trees leaning over its edges and the wildlife around it, has become a second home to me when my material home offers only torment.
Throughout my childhood, the woods were a constant place of refuge and during my junior year of high school, I picked up the habit once again. I spent almost every day on the banks of that pond or wandering through the woods that border it. It was the first full year of remote learning due to the pandemic which forced me into isolation and solitude -- trapped in an unwelcoming house for weeks on end. The trees hold so much of my history that I felt comforted when I walked underneath them. But immediately when I went back inside, this feeling of peace and clarity vanished as I was confronted with reality. I desperately wanted to bring the emotions of being outdoors inside but this fervor was indescribable. This conflict pushed me to express myself through my art instead, prompting me to create the painting Haven.
I painted my favorite place in the world, so naturally, the representation of that place is my favorite work as well. I was able to bring the calmness that I feel so intensely when I am outside inside so that whenever I need it I can look at the painting and become enveloped with peace. This is what I truly love about this painting.
