Rainbow Futures Scholarship

I recall the night of May 16, 2024, at my Vassar dorm, when I suffered a trauma-induced psychosomatic breakdown that resulted in prolonged tonic immobility. This episode left significant portions of my body functionally paralyzed for the remainder of the summer, including my neck, arms, and legs. This episode is squarely in the past now, but the recovery process was cathartic. Beyond any other therapy, literature was my oasis. It became a refuge from emotional tumult and provided me with the mechanism to unlock the subconscious truth behind my body’s motivations. Writing forced me to reckon with the core of my bodily dissonance that caused this reaction: living in a gay man’s body. As a gay man taught to suppress his sexuality in a conservative household, the unshakable truth of living within a “deviant form” forced me to view my body as abject. ​​This dissonance – between psyche and form – compelled me to explore the trauma derived from one’s inability to escape a “confined” body at the academic level. My esteem for painter David Wojnarowicz moved me to read his memoir “Close to the Knives” (1991). Wojnarowicz’s writing on living with AIDS invokes in his viscera a searing state of betrayal. Wojnarowicz’s syntax mimics a traumatic architecture: his experience of occupying a body he believes to be unfamiliar. It became my task, like David’s, to write my own prose to make sense of why I had this bodily reaction. I discovered the written word’s reparative potential, which impels me to pursue a year-long masters in English (1900-present) at the University of Oxford. Funding from various scholarships, including the McGuire Fellowship from Vassar, as well as scholarships with missions dear to me, primarily Rainbow Futures, are the only outlets through which I can pursue my masters and fulfill the track to receive a doctorate, with the hopes of becoming a professor of literature. I plan to earn an MSt with a focus on twentieth-century literature and transatlantic modernism. This course will inform a cohesive project on how modernism is a mode of literary production made possible by political crisis. I plan to investigate modernism’s ability to evoke a visceral reaction that begins in the body, with attention to the queer literature of Forster, Stein, Barnes, James, and Woolf. As I recall my recovery process in 2024, my perspective of queerness has morphed into a far more empathetic affinity toward those living within confined bodies, ranging from victims of the carceral system to a young boy disavowed by his family. My instinct to lead has always existed, but this traumatic experience has forced me to think about how I intend to do so. Through my masters, I aim to lead literary scholarship beyond the academy – into prisons, military and psychiatric hospitals, and foster care centers – confined spaces where trauma goes unresolved. Stemming from my poetry workshopping with incarcerated people through PEN America in 2022, I intend to partner with the Prison Phoenix Trust at Oxford or wherever I end up studying, which seeks to bring contemplative practices into UK prisons. I plan to devote myself to academia because, in my experience, the academic community touches lives. The act of sitting in the Vassar library and picking up a new text was restorative for me. I realized how academia can offer a source of hope. And so I strive to become an academic who is dedicated not only to transformative research, but also in motivating his students, to convincing them that the written word proves itself crucial in traversing our pitted personal trajectories.

“We bury our friends in the morning, protest in the afternoon, and dance all night.” This quote originated during the AIDS crisis. Underprivileged, queer, and people of color fought for their rights to live in a system that neglected their very existence. Our community’s friends, lovers, and leaders died of preventable causes while the world watched. But they didn’t accept defeat, they organized. They made the world listen; they made themselves seen when others turned a blind eye. But most important of all, they danced. They understood that, in a system of oppression, to not only exist, but to live, and to live a life of joy and fulfillment, is an act of rebellion. As a child, I took to pencil and paper as my entertainment, and I quickly discovered that I could make someone smile by giving them a drawing. I realized the power I hold as an artist: to bring others joy. Since then, my life has been filled with paint-stained clothes and fingernails embedded with charcoal, with my eyes on a career as an artist. Coming from a low-income and unstable household, attending an affluent suburban school, and being the only outwardly queer person in my community, fear, stigma, and hate have shaped so much of my life. I grew up feeling like I was the only one in existence like me. I confided in art and studies to and understand how my identity shapes the world around me. At 15, with the help of community and friends, I made my debut as a drag performance, and since, I have led an expansive career with the name Green Apple Slush. After one of my performances, a woman reached out to me. She said that she and her son had attended the show together. Her family had been facing tough times, and her son was enduring bullying at school because of his femininity. She shared that my performance was a source of strength for her son; she called me his "superhero." Her message shook me. I had never imagined I could be a source of strength for someone else. That moment reminded me of everything I had needed growing up. Visibility, hope, someone to look up to. Now, I know that I can be that for others. My experiences as a queer person and a drag performer inspire my artwork. In my most recent body of paintings, I explore how queer and trans bodies navigate self-worth within systems of oppression. My paintings are a tribute and cross-examination, a celebration of LGBTQ drag artistry, and a reflection on the triumphs, losses, and the social/political tensions that define my and others' lived experiences. Although our current political situation feels like one giant step backwards, I'm constantly reminded that, while there is still so much to fight for, we have come a long way, and there is so much to be hopeful for. I hope to carry the baton of the artists and activists that have come before me, making artwork of pain and resilience, not for fun, but for survival; for dancing in the face of grief, for loving loudly and living fully. With my art and my future career, I hope to continue to be a pillar and to encourage others to be fearlessly authentic, even when the world tries to belittle them. I want to remind others, especially those who feel unseen, that their stories are sacred, their joy is powerful, and their existence is valuable. The world may not always be ready for us, but we show up anyway. Painted, glittering, aching, and alive. Portfolio: https://sites.google.com/view/jaron-milman/works ThankYou!!:)

Living life as a person apart of the LGBTQ+ has been a heralding and worrisome adventure. I have been Bisexual since I was twelve years old and have never looked back. Living in a Christian household I could never feel truly accepted by my peers and parents. Feeling like I had to hold on to the truth and hide from people it drained me and made me feel so isolated. I have found Certain communities that I have gravitated too, help me realize maybe my colors were not only black and white. I did not know who I was or why I was put on this Earth, and I am still learning everyday. However, the LGBTQ+ has helped me bring myself out of my own jail cell, that our country and culture has convinced me I belong in. I began to accept myself once I moved out and started to live on my own recently. I began going to college and started to learn about how to think and where I want to go in life. I joined and began creating a Instagram page that supports the LGBTQ+ that has gained over 13k followers. I love social media and marketing strategies so much and I would use my art to spread the love of the LGBTQ+ to everyone around. By making people see and exposing people to the LGBTQ+ I can start to help people grow and understand us as a community instead of enemies. This scholarship would move mountains for me and could push me to continue college. Currently I am worried of the debt I could accumulate if I go to college and the financial burden of never paying it off. However, the stress of the never ending debt and the living crisis would be mostly quelled by this help. As a person of the LGBTQ+ any support our community can get will greatly help the spread and growth of the love and compassion this community could have. Overall, my life has been a lot of ups and downs. Discovering I was apart of a community that most people do not want to accept was disheartening. However, Over these last couple years I have begun to accept who I am and to begin advocate for the community that I have found myself in. Whether you are straight, gay, or somewhere in between I hope that we can come together and build a community that supports each other.

As a Black queer woman, I deal with discrimination because of my race, gender, and sexual orientation. In healthcare, work, and social settings, I often face unfair treatment. I sometimes feel left out in LGBTQ+ spaces and can also encounter homophobia in Black communities. This mix of biases makes it hard to find acceptance and support, leading to stress and feeling isolated. Despite these challenges, I have remained committed to my education and personal growth. My academic achievements, like making the Dean's List, participating in study abroad programs in London and Dublin, and being part of the Honor's Program, have been sources of pride and motivation. Being a member of the National Society of Collegiate Scholars and the Academy Scholars Program has also given me the chance to connect with other driven students and learn from their experiences. My extracurricular activities, such as working as a CIEGE Student Worker, participating in the AFA Club, and serving on the Honors Student Advisory Council, have allowed me to develop leadership skills and build a supportive community. Additionally, my involvement in the Pre-Professional Health Student Society and Global Leaders Unite has helped me explore my interest in healthcare and global issues. I aspire to pursue higher education in the field of healthcare, with a focus on addressing disparities faced by marginalized communities. I believe that with the right education, I can make a meaningful impact on the healthcare system and advocate for LGBTQ+ rights. My goal is to become a healthcare professional who not only provides quality care but also works to create inclusive and equitable healthcare environments for all patients. Receiving the Rainbow Futures Scholarship would greatly alleviate the financial burdens that come with pursuing higher education. As someone who has balanced academics with numerous extracurricular activities and part-time work, I understand the importance of financial support in achieving my goals. This scholarship would allow me to focus more on my studies and less on financial stress, enabling me to fully commit to my education and advocacy efforts. With the scholarship, I would be able to continue my involvement in organizations that support LGBTQ+ rights and social justice. I plan to use my education to develop programs and initiatives that address the unique challenges faced by LGBTQ+ individuals, particularly those from marginalized backgrounds. By doing so, I hope to create a more inclusive and supportive society for everyone. In conclusion, my experiences as a Black queer woman have shaped my aspirations and commitment to advocating for LGBTQ+ rights. The Rainbow Futures Scholarship would provide the financial support needed to pursue my higher education goals and make a positive impact on society. Thank you for considering my application.