R.L. Sexton Memorial Scholarship

A challenge I had to overcome was holding other’s expectations of me over my own expectations and health. As a black woman, I was always told I needed to work harder. That while some could put in 50% or even 100% that was acceptable for me. I needed be in 120% to have a place in this world. School was always a competition, I was taught that I needed to beat everyone to have a seat at the table. This created serious anxiety, depression and other health issues. My brain was unable to process what actually failure was and, also that it was normal to make mistakes or even fail. I can remember one time I was trying to do an essay and my mind wouldn’t stop racing. I remember the topic being so simple yet, my brain couldn’t comprehend it, let alone anything else at that moment. My mother told me to not do the essay and I cried. She kept saying it and I cried hard each time. Despite my brain not being able to understand the simple essay prompt because I was overwhelmed, somehow still understood that I couldn’t fail. This will always stand out to me because I think that’s when I realized the how far the damage went. That’s when I knew it was unhealthy but, again I had to work hard and sometimes we have to push through. My mom was never one to be strict about grades as I was. Trying was good enough to her. But, the world told me expectations for me was different so, I believed it. My school told me my 100%, wasn’t enough and I believed them. Yet none of these people are helping me, they didn’t wipe my tears, didn’t pay for the therapy, didn’t offered support. They gave me depression, headache and anxiety. I don’t believe a child should ever have to experience that. The way your mind makes you feel alone, dumb and hopeless all because 100% wasn’t good enough. I think honesty now as an adult in college doing that essay was my biggest regret. While I was happy at the moment to get an A, I realized that A didn’t heal anything. That A will never be enough to fix the damage or even the childhood I missed out on. That A felt so good, the praise felt even better. Yet when I went home it still felt empty, alone and not enough. I am still working on it but, I know that now my 100% is enough. I know that C wouldn’t kill me, even if it might feel like it. I have learned that nobody in this world has the answers to everything and I will not be the smartest in every room. I learn that it’s find to not be the smartest and I will alway have a seat at the table because I will make one. If they don’t have enough seats, I will bring my own. Not enough tables space I will make my own table. Nobody can ever take away what God has planned for me. My goal is to get my PhD in psychology, and help kids in low income areas. I want to help kids have a healthy mindset and know that their 100% is enough. That it’s okay to fail, make mistakes, ask for help. To make sure they have a seat, weather they brought their own seat or built they own table.