My father died by suicide when I was 5 years old. In the years that followed, I was bullied for that loss, told to get over it, and made to feel different. I struggled to find support in the school system but found comfort and safety in my church community at the time. Several members of the church would regularly take my mom and I out to lunch or invite us to attend community events with them. I always knew that they would support me no matter what, and that my mom and I could rely on them in our times of need. In the years after I began to find more comfort in the weekly ritual of church and more meaning in the scriptures discussed. I’ve also always had a love for choir and music. Getting to hear the thunderous organ and the mighty voice of the choir was a thing of wonder for me as a child. My father was also one the best baritones my small Mississippi church had ever heard, and our shared love of music continues to connect us and was one of the things that got me through his death.
When my grandmother, with whom I was extremely close after my dad's death, died suddenly and traumatically when I was 13, I struggled with extreme anxiety and feelings of isolation and grief. We had also moved and hadn’t found a church that worked for us yet and it was difficult for me to get through a school day.
It was during this time that I connected with an equine therapy center that focused on working with children with loss, trauma, and abuse. I used to joke that I was going to "horse camp for traumatized kids." But I found incredible healing and acceptance, both from the staff and the horses there. A few years later I started volunteering with the center that had helped me so much through a very dark time in my life. I’ve been a volunteer for 5 years now and plan to continue working with the organization for many more.
I am now motivated by my own experiences as a child who lost her father at a young age. I had trouble finding the right therapeutic supports, as do many of the kids I work with. I volunteered with a young woman whose life I saw transformed by finding the right combination of medications. I was in awe at the positive change in her, and that experience has inspired me to become an adolescent psychiatrist. I’m very interested in the psychology of grief and how it presents in adolescents and young adults. I also know that mental health struggles can be so vast and should be treated very holistically. A mental health journey is one that will last a lifetime, and combinations of therapy, medication, spiritual support, etc. can all be needed to help effect lasting change. Finding and creating support networks is crucial. I want to be part of helping others find the balance of supports that works for them because there is no one size fits all path to recovery.
With this in mind, I had the unique opportunity to be part of a national team developing a teen-led grief support curriculum. With a team that ranged from a social worker to a med student to three high schoolers, we tested the proposed curriculum. Though we all had a shared bereavement experience, each of us had access to different grief resources and tools that had led us on our own path. As someone who had experienced traumatic and stigmatized loss, I helped the group understand that losses can be perceived very differently and made sure the language and tone of the curriculum reflected that. One example of this was that instead of saying “your loved one,” I encouraged the team to change the wording to “your person who died” in order to acknowledge that stigmatized grievers may have a complicated relationship with the person who died. I also worked to make sure that the curriculum remained accessible to teens with rural backgrounds and fewer educational or socioeconomic resources. The original curriculum assumed that participants would have knowledge and experiences that reflected a privileged background. So, I advocated for language and concept changes that would better serve teens. Because I was included in this space, I was able to bring different perspectives that improve a resource and made it more accessible to an increased number of people who would benefit from it.
I will admit, throughout all this I have had moments where I struggled to find the motivation to keep pursuing my goals. I felt like my grief and my own struggles with mental health would never end and it shook my faith. I didn’t know where to turn and so I looked inwards and began to reflect on the work I needed to do within myself. It was a very humbling experience, and I felt guilty for only turning to God when I was most in need. But it was comforting knowing that even in my weakest moments of doubt and hardships that I would be welcomed with open arms. Since that experience I’ve been able to find a community and continue developing my relationship with God. I’ve joined the Episcopal Student Fellowship group at my college and feel such a sense of joy knowing that during my continued work in the mental health field, that I will have a supportive, caring community.
Through my experiences I have become a more empathetic and open person. I live my life in a way that serves others and I hope to foster more understanding and love within different communities. I have come from a place where I had little hope to a place where I can be a source of hope for other kids and teens with death losses. The systems that exist, especially school systems, are not set up well to support bereaved children and those struggling with mental illness. Last fall I was able to testify before my state legislative committee for families and children about my experiences and what help that I needed that didn't yet exist at the state and local level. I want to fight for others to get the help and supports they need, and I have already started using my voice at a state and national level to do that. I know that this is my life's work–improving the experiences of others who have experienced significant losses and mental health struggles, and I’m so grateful for the opportunity to answer my calling.
I struggled for over a decade with poor mental health which led to substance abuse issues and physical health problems. Specifically, I struggled with depression and anxiety which took all of the joy and happiness out of my life. Many days I struggled to get out of bed or perform basic self-care tasks such as showering and brushing my teeth. I have been hospitalized multiple times, sought therapy and counseling, and tried many medications to help with my poor mental health before I was successful in finding what works for me. My struggles with mental health ultimately gave me a new lease on life and a perspective that I would not trade for anything.
Today, I am grateful for the life that I have and for all of my blessings. I cherish the relationships I have with family and friends and have empathy for people who are struggling. Once, I was hopeless and full of despair to the point of being suicidal, but today I am full of hope, gratitude and a desire to be of service to others. I am in recovery from alcoholism and drug addiction, and I attend twelve-step recovery meetings regularly to try to help others. I also am an active member of my church where I volunteer in our food pantry and outreach program. I read the Bible, pray and meditate, and try to continue growing in my relationship with God every day. With God all things are possible. In the darkness of mental illness and substance abuse, I often isolated and shut the world out, but now fellowship with others is a big part of my life. I have built a strong network of people who I can relate to and talk to when I need support. I know that I never have to fight my battles alone.
My struggle with mental illness has taught me much about what is truly important in life. I am not very concerned with money, material possessions, status, fame, fortune, etc. I know that these things are not the source of happiness. This is evident when we see rich and famous people who seemingly have everything they could ever want commit suicide. Without mental health, nothing else is worthwhile. I try to have compassion and understanding for others and be of service whenever possible, always putting my trust in God first and foremost. This way of life fills me with more contentment and peace than any amount of material wealth could.
I know from experience that many individuals with mental illness suffer in silence either due to the stigma associated with mental illness or the hopelessness that comes with it. I think it is very important for people to feel comfortable and not ashamed of talking about their mental health struggles.
I am attending Wilmington University to pursue a degree in Psychology followed by a Master's degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I believe individuals who struggle with mental illness and/or poor mental health deserve to have access to affordable and timely counseling. I plan to become a licensed mental health counselor to help make that a reality in my community.
