Annika Clarisse Memorial Scholarship

Before I was transgender I was a fairly wretched person. I understood in abstract that other people had struggles, but I didn't care in the slightest. It was a them problem, whereas I, Mr. Cis White Guy was doing fine and sympathized but wouldn't actually do anything to help. Things changed a little when I had gotten a girlfriend, who herself was trans, but that change only really meant helping her, not other people besides her. Then one day I saw an image of a character, and felt such an intense sense of envy. At first I was confused, but I very rapidly realized, I wanted to look like her. That realization at first kept me in my confused state, then it made me start to think a lot. Talking with my girlfriend some, alongside some personal thought, I realized I was trans. Then I started to come out to people, and most were very supportive, partially as I was very selective. I also started to look into the lives of other trans people, and realized, very quickly, that I was lucky to not be in the hellish conditions many of them were with their families or communities. That moment made me relish, very deeply, my position. And after relishing my position I had a Come to Jesus moment, that I could be helping those people, that we shared something, and I wasn't. After that point I started working more and more with my friends, acting both as a counselor and a support beam. I also acted as the 'suicide hotline' for a few of them, who refused, at times, to actually get help in some areas despite my best efforts. Those experiences changed me too, initially I was just looking out for other trans women, but I quickly started to look out for everyone who needed to be looked out for. The experience of being trans, and helping others, also influenced my career goals. In the Abstract, I always wanted to make video games. Though, in spite of that want, I also doubted myself constantly and was fairly certain I wouldn't even attend college. It was an adverse industry, I wasn't that helpful, things like that. Realizing I was trans, and spending much more of my time helping others, made me realize I am actually able to accomplish things that require high effort. And more importantly it gave me a support network of my own, which I could share what I've made and be expressive to without any fear or discomfort. That boost of confidence, alongside entering a program my school was offering for computer science, rapidly switched up what I had my life plans for. Something I simply enjoyed, making games, rapidly became something I could see as a viable career. Ever since I was little, video games were my beloved, but now I have the actual confidence to do it. It is a beautiful medium, with experiences that have both made me cry, feel triumph, and feel pain. The experience of having others feel what I feel, because of what I have created, is a feeling that I have come to absolutely love. The ability to express ideas, or to simply bring a few brief moments of joy, is one of my highest of highs, and knowing that I can use this ability to help others as I always try to gives me a fire. Ultimately, I have created games before, but nothing major. They are fun experiences, which people have loved, but they aren't deep and they don't get you really thinking, just feeling some forms of joy. They do not explore what I want to explore. So as a result, I made the decision that I am going to go to college, something I stubbornly refused the thought of most of my life. I intend to use the skills learned in college, in computer science as a field, to allow me either a well paying job so that I may have the comfort and time to make games, or should I dream, working at a studio full time. I even have several friends I am in contact with, and in the most ideal world, we might found a workers co-op in Richmond, Virginia, dedicated to making video games. Ultimately, being trans has changed me, deeply and fundamentally. I've learned empathy, I've learned passion, and I have learned a deep sense of pride and worth. Living is harsh for many, but knowing that I have a skill which can allow others to find solace, to connect, and to feel joy drives me to push forward, to help them, and to help everyone. Being trans helped me realize what it meant to be good, and what it meant to do good.

I’m broken. I want out. Please, somebody, anybody, just tell me what’s wrong with me! I don’t understand why I feel this way: why, why, why, why, why! I thought to myself for nearly a decade as whilst I, just like Cesar and millions of trans people globally, began to lose myself to this mental despair and sink deeper into the abyss. Eventually, it got to the point where for the span of 3 years I was emotionally numb wishing to disappear and devising my next suicide attempt hoping the next would be the last. I was so afraid, so terrified, and so alone that while I’d be convincing a friend to live and the beauty of life I’d later plan a quick, painless method of ending it that I ‘hoped’ I wouldn’t run from this time. I was nothing but a husk. However, for a reason that still puzzles me today, on New Year's Eve in 2022 I came to an ultimatum: end my life at the end of the new year as a shell or live through the new year as me. I’m aware that this rationale isn’t valiant or courageous considering the former, but that was the only way to make me realize just how much I detested my current inaction and was the impetus to allow for my journey of self-discovery. From there, I made small steps; month-by-month, day-by-day revealing elements of myself till I eventually gained the courage to come out to a friend in August. Once again, here’s another blessing I had that millions of trans people around the world don’t: my friend accepted me. If he hadn’t, I honestly think I would’ve shrunk back into the umbra out of fear, but he accepted me, and the joy I felt at that moment was unreal. A few months later, I then came out to more of my inner circle which went both beautifully and abhorrently; I deepened several of my friendships vastly while experiencing hatred and bigotry from others. For instance, my hardline conservative mom reacted by exclaiming she is ‘supportive’ of me yet not one time has made a singular effort to voice my name or respect me as a human being even though I've continuously told her how draconic what she states is to me whilst she perpetually berates me for desiring to live as me. Meanwhile, at school, I’ve encountered a plethora of ‘friends’ who howl to me, “You don’t know what you’re doing and are brainwashed to think this way!” At first, I shuddered at these comments, yet – unbeknownst to me – a smolder would start conflagrating within my being fueled by these remarks. Meanwhile, as the ember was spreading, I’d begin HRT with my work money I spent all of 2023 working and saving for as I lacked insurance for it therein causing me to now spend $150 monthly on it. Despite the cost, HRT is worth every single cent I pay; to cry once more, to smile once more, and to feel once more is an experience I’d never thought I’d even be able to have. Moreover, whilst transcending the frigid void, I came to realize these millions of trans people and individuals like Cesar which I have been mentioning as well as an 8.1 billion large population each going through a myriad of tribulations that I possess the power to help them with. Thus, I acquired the purpose of helping others as best as I can: whether it be civic activism educating on issues plaguing our society that are oppressing minorities; volunteering such as free international tutoring, hosting local elementary school counseling services, or STEM advocacy and education; or even my very career path. To elaborate, I’ve always been eclectic with my interests being fairly capricious, but when I discovered medicine–I knew it was the right fit for me. Even if, during my undergraduate studies I’ll incur $35,000 in debt annually with a minimum of $130,000 at the end of my 4 years: the world will not stop me. I will pursue medicine and go to medical school since I want to support and save “anybody” utilizing the talents I do possess; the best part about medicine to me is witnessing the patient’s and their families' gratitude-filled faces after saving their lives. Moreover, this kindling flame of disdain having to bear inequality has become an inferno as I toil tirelessly against hatred with the opposite: kindness. I endeavor to end this unjust status quo with education and kindness believing in all as most people aren’t rage incarnates–rather misguided by those around them to view trans individuals as demon spawns. Additionally, the tenacity to fight has infected other aspects of my life driving me to hone my academic wit reaching heights such as placing at state for Science UIL and reaching nationals for the National Chemistry Olympiad–as always, I've shared my knowledge along the way so that others may reach these apexes as well. Moreover, I leap at the opportunity to stand up for all I observe experiencing injustice such as bullying being the “somebody” I never had through my crippling dysphoria and solitary tearing of archaic standards; i.e. bathroom passes, prejudice, and disdainful lectures. Thus, I intend to live my life fighting to rescue those who are persecuted whether it be from the forces of nature or the malicious aspects of humanity whilst remembering the fallen along the way like Cesar who got their lives ripped away from them due to cruelty. Yes, I have and will continue to face adversity both in the professional and informal sphere but I will not succumb to such; I will fight for a brighter tomorrow. In all, through this scholarship, I believe I will be able to fund my own education granting me additional opportunities to focus both on my social efforts and my vocational efforts towards attending medical school, so that I may be the voice to the deafened and a memento to the fallen.