I feel like I’m the wind in the trees, the splash of rain, I am nature’s soul, and I’m trapped inside the cage of humanity and the inherent emotional turmoil. I feel like a pretty boy, I feel like a rugged girl, I feel like a little kid with no gender attached, just the freedom of imagination and childhood.
I’d consider myself genderfluid, which is a subcategory of being transgender. Personally, I came out with my name more than I did with self expression. Since I’ve always been who I am. I think being a female at birth (AFAB), makes it a lot easier to be who I am. With aesthetics and fashion being so malleable and more widely accepted when it does come to the more alternative styles. However, despite the decorative aspects of having a different gender identity, being seen as anything more than a silly girl, is a much more difficult feat.
I feel misunderstood by most, many people presume that anyone who identifies different will be fickle, stubborn and mean. “That you HAVE to use the pronouns I want, or you’re a bigot!” Which, I think is a complete mischaracterization of the entire trans-community. I’m genderfluid, so I don’t usually mind what pronouns people use. However I normally just say, they/them. Since it’s easier to assume they wouldn’t accept me being so fluid with who I am.
I have this fear, that I’m walking on eggshells in my community, that if I make a wrong move, then I’ll be considered one of the bad ones. Worse, that I’ll be one of the many who’ve been lost, due to the world’s unkindness. My gender identity makes me feel content, proud, and ultimately connected with others due to our solidarity to one another, that we’ve overcome the obstacles we’ve faced. Souls intertwined.
The world scares me. It makes me feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff; that if I step a little out of line, I step off of the ground, away from stability, and plummet. I feel held back by the world, not by who I am. This ultimately, made me want to change the world: I’ve done a lot of advocacy work for things that I could. Often, being LGBTQ+ goes hand-in-hand with mental health, so I’ve done as much advocacy as my high school allowed.
I want to make the world a place where not only I can be safe, but everyone can. I want to be proud of the earth, the people on it. I want people to strive to be the most lovely, and true to who they are, version of themselves they can be. Even helping others in that process. I make myself want to connect with others, to help uplift them into who they are.
My relationships, overall, I feel are so emotionally deep and connected. They’re safe and healthy, I make them that way. We have to communicate, be clear, be able to open up, consider, and tolerate. My relationships are close to my heart. Closer than anything else. I don’t take anyone in my life for granted, or at least try not to; I know how fickle this life can be.
This passion I have in my relationships extends to my career goals of being a pediatric psychologist specializing in art therapy. I want to help the future, and the future is our children. They need support, stability and encouragement more than ever. My weapon of choice in the betterment of our world is art. I think art is a powerful tool, and it needs to be utilized, to inspire and communicate.
My parents, friends, community, teachers, and partner, have definitely influenced my career choice. My parents and teachers thought my capabilities with my imaginative thinking and creativity, would lead to focus in more artistic avenues. Whilst my closest friends and my girlfriend, also note my ability to understand, and to effectively help and communicate with others.
I think taking who I am into account, I’ll be able to reach the inner voices of many children; of many people. I plan to do this by going to Carlow University, and to get my PsyD (doctorate) in psychology, and minor in Art Therapy. It’s a woman-founded institution, that amongst touring I was nervous, since it’s a catholic school and that’s not normally associated with the most tolerant of LGBTQ+ people, however they had a club for us. They had a resource table for us, they included us into the conversation of education. Which means the world to me. However, the cost of education is high, and I worry I won’t be able to meet the tuition requirements. I’m hoping as a first generation graduate, with a learning disability, that regardless of the monetary setback, that I’ll be able to achieve my dreams, and truly help others.