In my childhood, I was diagnosed with ADD, and later, Autism. It influenced me in a lot of ways I couldn't even begin to grasp until it was framed in the ways it was with those diagnosises. For most of my life (second grade to ninth) I was placed in SPED classes. It caused a lot of behavioral issues at school that led to me being suspended multiple times, likely exacerbated by things going on at home at the time. My mom spent a lot of time having to struggle with doctors and psychiatrists, who sought to just medicate me with stuff like Ritalin and turn me effectively into a zombie. In fourth grade, I've developed clinical depression that has never went away since. This was due to bullying I recieved at the time in school. It led to multiple hospitalizations from suicidal ideation and similar things. Things really haven't been the same since that point. It caused a truly marked difference in my life. Before I was a Straight A student, had a very nice social life. People liked me and I liked them as well. After that point, I could hardly motivate myself to do schoolwork. Friends became less of friends and more just 'people I go to class with, and who I will stop speaking with the moment school ends'. It didn't help I constantly moved as a kid up until maybe 5 years ago. I had no incentive to make roots with the people around me, since it would all go to waste anyway and people slowly felt more and more alien to me. The only stable source of any socialibility was the internet and my internet friends, who've stayed a constant in my life for about 6 years now. They were the rock I could keep with me forever. Even after settling down in Mississippi I could never retain the sociability I once had. For a while I had become quite a twisted person, and even after doing away with that I still shied away from people, either from a total lack of connection or shame of those who I had connected with before. Now, my life is at a standstill. I feel trapped, in a loop, in service towards life choices I'm not able to achieve. Every part of my life feels in service to it, and everything 'normal' I do feels like it's only meant to pursue it. Everyone around me is concerned about it, like my parents, but they'll never understand they're part of the problem.