“What am I even doing here?” That’s the question that would always pop up in my head. Just as I look down the building, imagining what would happen if I just jumped. Although, I’ve never acted on the thought. I just stare, with my thoughts racing around my head. Eventually, my mind goes blank and goes back to reality. As simple as a flip of a switch in my head. I back away from the edge, and continue walking back down from the parking garage, enjoying the city view around me.
Depression is a funny word to me. I was never the type of person to quite understand what exactly certain emotions mean. They’re all kind of a mystery to me, even now in the present, I don’t quite understand them. Most of the time I’m relatively numb or neutral to the world around me. Don’t get me wrong, I still get excited and laugh all the time but I’ve never really been attached or present. To further explain, I’m always in my head, thinking, and dreaming of all of the possibilities around me. Sometimes my knowledge of the world can consume me, to the point where I’m stuck in my head for long periods. This is my definition of depression. It may not be as severe as other people but that doesn’t make it any less serious.
Thoughts will consume me and I get stuck in a world that doesn’t exist. I tend to use escapism anytime I feel the need to “feel” something. Eventually, when I awake to reality, I get sad and I don’t know why. I’m still trying to figure this out; it will happen out of nowhere and, sometimes, even in the happiest points of my life. I immediately feel the need to disassociate and reevaluate the things that are in my life. I’ll start to question my friendships, family, and even my own life. “What am I even doing here? Do I even really trust this person? Why do I feel the need to be alone and cut off everyone in my life?” These are the questions that circulate throughout my head, constantly.
This familiarity of emotions and thoughts usually happens when my life hits a standstill. I grew cold to the world around me, becoming paranoid of everything, constantly questioning if I'm in danger, or if I can even trust them or myself so I became a loner; always trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Why am I different from everyone else? I think on a level that no one quite really understands, it can be frustrating sometimes. I usually wallow in self-pity and continue down this dark path for months until I finally snap out of it. That was until I found out something about myself that started to put all the puzzle pieces together.
I am autistic, who would have thought? I chuckle every time I admit that phrase out loud but it makes perfect sense. My questions slowly began to be answered and I started to find myself again. Now that I gained this knowledge, I am trying to become the best version of myself. My depression season is back again and I continue to fight it. Although, instead of wallowing, I am attempting to find outlets to help my mental state. I started therapy, I write passages that I can relate to in a journal to help me process what I am feeling at that moment in time, and work out to help me get out of my head. Although I still feel the need to disassociate, I’m starting to find healthy ways to spend my time. I’m no longer as lost as I once was, I’m beginning to build a better and stronger relationship with myself and the world around me.