Never in her wildest dreams did seventeen-year-old Wendy think that she’d ever be excited to go back to school. High school wasn’t easy, to say the least. Having severe social anxiety to the point of not speaking and feeling sick every time I walked through the school doors, I felt like there would be no way I could ever actually enjoy going to school. Little did I know, I needed years of life experience(both good and bad) to finally feel ready and capable to take on this new adventure and prove to myself that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. Ten years after my high school graduation, here I am, applying for scholarships to start college for the first time. I am just about a year and a half sober from alcohol and my mind is clearer now than it has ever been. My sobriety is the key to staying both mentally and physically healthy; I know for a fact that if I were still drinking, I would not even consider going to college. For the first time since graduating high school, I feel like I’m finally ready to take on the challenge and prove to myself that I can accomplish this. The only thing that was in my way in the past was me. Don’t get me wrong, I have zero regrets when it comes to how I’ve lived my life up to this point- including all of the “learning experiences”...and there have been plenty. When I was drinking, I didn’t care about my health- plain and simple. I’d wake up from a night I only partially remembered, look in the mirror at my makeup-smeared face, ignore my phone for hours, scared to look at the messages I sent and try to get through the day with my pounding headache and incredible drowsiness that even a nap couldn’t help. Now, I have a skincare routine, I go to the gym, I have biweekly therapy appointments, I regularly speak to my recovery group, I eat healthier, and I feel so much better. More than anything, I feel worthy of the genuine happiness I finally have. When I walked into Nashua Community College for a tour back in June, I was still skeptical and wasn’t planning to do anything but ask some questions and take a look around. As I was speaking with the Administrative Assistant, I felt so much care and compassion that I never felt from any teacher in high school. After speaking with this woman for some time, I set up an appointment to take the placement test and filled out an application. Weeks later, when I took the test and saw my results for the first time, I was shocked. I did remarkably better than I thought I would and for the first time, I felt proud, academically. Seeing this gave me a confidence that I haven’t had before and I believe it was the last push I needed to realize I can do this and that I am so much smarter and capable than I realize. Keeping this in mind and reassuring myself throughout the year will be extremely important for my mental health. I plan to make up a mantra for myself to keep this in the front of my mind at all times; “I am smart. I am just as qualified as anyone else in this school. I am accomplishing great things. I can do this.”

The song, 'Clean', off of Taylor Swift's '1989' album has spoken to me in a way not many other songs have. Shortly after the song came out, I was surrounded by unfamiliar faces in a place that was on the complete opposite side of the country from my cozy, small town in New Hampshire. I had just been admitted to a rehab facility in California and was beyond terrified. I had spoken on the phone just days earlier with someone who promised me a better life if I just trusted her. When I was granted permission to use my phone, the first song I wanted to play was 'Clean'. I couldn't help but feel like it was going to be a key factor in helping me get through the difficult road that was ahead of me. Years after leaving rehab, I saw Taylor Swift, live for her 1989 tour. Before she sang 'Clean', she told the audience a story. She told us about all the fans who wrote to her to tell her about how this song changed their lives and was able to put into words all the ugly feelings and emotions they kept inside and turn them into such a beautiful song. Then she told us how proud of us she is. And that if we're struggling, to keep going because it will get better. The rain will clear and you will overcome your struggles. If you feel like your world is caving in and you're drowning, that is when you can truly grow. The lyrics "The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing" make my eyes well up to this day. I can't begin to describe how painful it is to be in so much pain on the inside but no one notices or tries to help because you'd rather suffer than have a loved one worry about you. So you swallow that pain and put on a happy face but deep down inside you're desperately hoping someone reaches out and asks you if you're okay. When I was drowning I had to build up the courage to reach out and ask for help. I was lucky to have such a wonderful support system who did everything they could to help me and I'm beyond grateful for them. When I sing along to this song now, it's always exciting to be able to scream out how many months sober I am at the corresponding part of the song. I'm extremely proud of myself and I know my loved ones are too. I grew from my struggles and "now that I'm clean, I'm never gonna risk it."

My dream version of myself is a confident woman who jumps out of bed ready and excited to take on the day!

When I was about four months sober from alcohol, my close friend passed away from a drug overdose. After I came out of my blurry haze of grief and sadness, my first thought was that I needed help because I wasn't going to get through this alone. I knew exactly where the nearest bottle of alcohol was(I was staying with a friend at the time) and I knew that blacking out would let me escape my thoughts until the next day. I had spent years in the past using alcohol to “mourn”, thinking that was the only way I would be able to get through anything difficult. But instead of drowning my grief with booze, in my darkest time, I reached out for help. I joined a recovery community and have been apart of it ever since. The motto in that group is “The opposite of addiction is connection” and that is something I didn’t fully understand until I saw how truly caring and beautiful my group is. There’s something so special about having a community that can relate through their toughest times. I’ve laughed, cried and have had the most vulnerable conversations with them, probably more than anyone else. This is because we can all relate to one thing- no matter how many issues that one thing has caused us. I can’t begin to imagine how different my recovery would be if I didn’t have them or even if I’d still be sober. The key to maintaining my mental health is remaining connected to my recovery community and being open about my struggles. With that being said, it’s not always an easy task. I relate this to the gym- I know it’s good for me and I will feel better both mentally and physically after going to the gym, but somehow that step out the door feels like I have weights on my feet. When I’m not feeling my best, my first reaction isn’t to ask for help. It isn’t to talk to anyone or tell anyone how I’m feeling. It’s to shut out everyone around me and wait until I feel better. News flash to me! That never works. Maintaining my mental wellness is so important to me because it affects all aspects of my life. When I’m not feeling mentally okay, my work is going to suffer. My body is going to suffer. My relationships are going to suffer. And my recovery is going to suffer. For me, it all comes down to taking a step back from the hustle and bustle of daily life and taking a moment to pause and evaluate how I’m doing that day. “How am I feeling today?” “What are the things that are causing me stress? Are they really a big deal or are they little things that my mind is snowballing out of proportion?” “What can I do to make my day better?” Asking these simple questions throughout the day/week can make a huge difference on any given day. It helps me stop all the intrusive thoughts that come into my head throughout the day and realize that those are just passing thoughts. They don’t have to define my day. Just like my mental health diagnosis doesn’t have to define me. I give myself permission to have bad days; it’s unrealistic not to. But in order to bring myself the mental clarity I want to have in my life, the most important thing for me to do is give myself love and compassion.