“You make everything miserable,” my mother hisses lowly at me while setting up our booth for a pop-up shop in town, "I should slap you right now." She proceeds to turn to a fellow vendor at the event and speak to her using respectful word choice and in a sugary sweet tone. Although she’d spoken similar words to me many times before (and worse) this situation hurt me like no other. Oftentimes after lashing out at me, she would use her mental conditions, whether it was directly or indirectly, to defend her inability to regulate her emotions. But if it were possible for her to remain calm for a stranger’s sake, then why not for her own daughter’s well-being? This left me feeling stupid, defective, and ultimately like nothing. I often wished that I was anyone else but me. There was no answer in my mind other than: I was the problem. My mom struggles with numerous mental illnesses, due to reasons that are not my story to tell, and although I’ve been revoked the ability to utilize therapy (you guessed it, by my mother) and become properly diagnosed, I’m sure my childhood experiences have caused me some illness as well. To be more specific, It’s abundantly clear to my friends, family members, and myself that I struggle with social and general anxiety. I also have an unsually high sensitivity level; I often read too much into somebody's face or the way they say something. The smallest thing can trigger me and send me back to that emotionally unsafe space I've constantly felt with my mom. This use to make me defensive and snappy with people who didn't deserve it in the slightest. I hated this part of myself, but at the same time, I wasn't sure how I could work through it. For years I was somewhat blind to how unhealthy my relationship with her was. I mean, how could I hold resentment towards the woman who’s dedicated the past 17 years to ensuring I had a better life than she did? What made matters worse was that of all the people in my life, my mom was the person I connected with the most. As much as she hurt me I loved and idolized her more than anyone. “It’s not her fault,” I’d tell myself. After all, she didn’t choose to have forever mind-altering trauma. This is completely true, however, I didn’t understand that it didn’t mean my experiences and feelings weren't valid. So instead I believed her harsh words, and did everything in my power to ‘fix’ myself for the betterment of our dynamic with (surprise) very little success. Now, I have a bittersweet relationship with my trauma. As debilitating as it can be, it can also be quite the superpower. I have extremely strong intuition when it comes to choosing who I surround myself with. I can sense red flags early on with a new person, where others may not see them quite yet. Eventually, I had to learn not to let my mother’s words, or anyone’s words for that matter, hold so much power over me. I also had to learn how to respond to her in ways that would keep my peace protected, which has made me an excellent communicator and given me impressive de-escalation skills. Growing up the way I did makes you incredibly self-aware, and now I constantly evaluate myself for areas of growth. I prioritize offering the safest & most healthy atmosphere possible in my relationships. I can confidently say that with the work I've done over the years, I've become the companion I always dreamed of having- but for my friends and partner. As for my relationship with my mom, it’s improved exponentially. I’m actively working on and will continue working on resolving my resentment toward her and letting go- we’ll always have our special connection. Although my childhood may not have been normal or entirely healthy, it's made me who I am, and for that I am grateful, because there’s no one else I’d rather be.

An angelic figure- a woman in a white dress adorned with rose spotted garland. A lion stands beside her. She strokes the lion’s forehead and jaw simultaneously. His tail is tucked and he licks her hand, looking up into her serene eyes. He’s been successfully gentled by the maiden. An infinity symbol floats above her head like an angel’s halo. This is how I would describe the eleventh Major Arcana tarot card, the Strength card. At the time I pulled this card, my immediate interpretation was that I needed to face an underlying fear head on- that I had to look the ‘lion’ in the face. Now I believe that it’s much deeper than that. I believe the lion represents lower nature, human feelings, or traits such as jealousy, anger, or spontaneity. What makes this card so remarkable is that the maiden, rather than whipping the lion into shape by brute force, shows him compassion. She closes the lion’s jaw so that its teeth do not consume her, so that her lower nature does not consume her, however she does not treat it with cruelty. I believe this demonstrates how healthy personal growth comes only from gentle self redirection. The infinitely symbol, to me, is yet another suggestion of practicing self-compassion. No one can be perfectly connected with themselves all of the time. Experiencing phases of life where you’ve lost touch with yourself a little but then realizing it and reeling yourself back into self-awareness is a continuous cycle. This portrayal had a relieving effect on me, it helped me release the burden of guilt I had carried for so long. Growing up with inattentive adhd meant that I was overly, almost comically forgetful- to the point of frustrating the people around me, the people who I only wanted to make proud. Not to mention that when I did remember my responsibilities, I still lacked the self disciplinary skills to pull my weight around the house. I didn’t realize that my ‘laziness’ was actually decision paralysis and that my adhd had an effect on both my long-term and short-term memory. I would have these almost manic points in my life where I told myself “everything is going to change from this point on.” My friends supported me as best as they could through these epitomes, “change doesn’t happen overnight,” they’d tell me, “You’re already doing so great.” I couldn’t help brushing off their kindness and perceiving it as an obligatory act. It was the Strength card that gave me sight of a better mindset I could adopt for myself and my journey. I appreciate how the card seems to call out the dark side of strength, which is viewing important parts of yourself as weak and being too quick to shut them down. I realized that emotions, even the tough ones, or even the special way your brain might be wired, expand your strength, which is such an empowering thing. Strength is not defined by your control over others but by the control you have over yourself. When you get to know all parts of yourself for what they are and learn how to utilize them to be the best version of you- that is true strength.

I'm absolutely Team Jellyfish and let me tell you why I'm not, as Conrad would say, a ‘sheep’ because of it: Jeremiah has had his heart set on Belly for years, but he didn’t set aside pursuing other romances for her, he patiently waited for the day she might want him too. He handled his love for her in a much healthier way than Belly did for Conrad. Belly, having only seeked out a dating partner and had her first kiss the night she saw Conrad with his summer girlfriend. It made my heart melt when Jere said, “I wanted to tell Conrad that he had no right, that he had ignored belly for years, but it wasn't just up to Conrad.” He truly values Belly’s decisions and autonomy. He even pushed himself into dating when he wasn’t ready so that his despair wasn’t keeping Belly from who she wanted to be with at the time- so that he wasn’t the reason for her unhappiness. But when she did get Conrad, she didn’t end up very happy, did she? Although this is an, admittedly, unbecoming way to use Susannah’s sickness and passing, it happened to serve as a way for Belly to see how her possible life partner handles tough situations. This is a crucial factor when deciding whether or not someone is a healthy partner for you. Conrad should be given grace, of course. I’m not at all saying that it wasn’t hard to watch Conrad navigate through his mother’s illness virtually alone- I did sympathize with him. But when he took his feelings out on everyone around him repeatedly, no matter how hard they tried to be there for him, (especially when Susannah's secret got out and he didn’t have to carry that weight anymore) his actions became less and less justifiable. Conrad’s passive-aggressive communication, no matter how many times he apologized for his behavior, is a huge flaw to have for a relationship. “This is not your fault, Conrad, there is no way you could have known what Julia was planning,” Belly rushes to soothe Conrad after all Susannah's summer house belongings got put into storage by ‘wicked’ aunt Julia. “Maybe… but she never would have done it if I’d stayed back,” he jabs at her, placing blame when it’s completely uncalled for. Unfortunately Belly hasn’t shown herself capable of taking situations like this very well or recognizing them for what they are- toxicity. Jeremiah never once took his complex grief emotions out on Belly. When Steven pointed out that Belly had been 'goo goo gaga' over Conrad since she was 10, she responded with, “Well I'm not 10 anymore.” Not only was she stating this to brother, but I also think she was admitting it to herself. She was realizing that she'd outgrown her crush on Conrad and the pedestal she'd been putting him on all those years. As much as Jere wanted to be with Belly the moment she kissed him in the last episode of season two, he was willing to let her go if Conrad truly was the one for her. Belly once said that when she dreamed of Conrad, it felt safe. Like that warm and cozy feeling Laurel related to how she once felt about her ex-husband, which merely wasn’t enough to hold their marriage together. With Jeremiah, though, it feels real for Belly, and that's kind of scary. Jere is her ‘fireworks.’ So if being Team Jelly does make a sheep, then throw me a welcome party to the herd cause Belly and Jere are just right for each other!

Although I find Zendaya’s activism to be hugely admirable, I’d say that her acting in particular is what’s touched me the most. Growing up as a biracial queer girl, I felt displaced almost everywhere I went. If I allowed myself to be my full authentic self, then I was either being too black for my white friends or too white-washed for my black friends. As a result, similar to Zendaya’s career, my personality became quite- multifaceted. Because of my experiences, I often felt like an imposter, but when I felt this way, I turned to Zendaya. Her role as Rocky Blue in Disney’s Shake It Up meant the world to me. When I watched her flourish on screen I was simply overcome with joy. She didn’t have to go out of her way to “act black” to fit in nor did she have to tone down her colorful personality to be likable to her bestie CeCe (or anyone else for that matter). She was just herself, her whole mixed self, and I so badly needed to see that kind of representation. In later years she starred in KC Undercover. I was ecstatic to see her again after Shake It Up was, unfortunately, canceled after just three incredible seasons. KC Undercover truly showed me what a healthy family looked like. Not to mention that the black community displayed in the show gave me so much pride, similar to how “Ant Farm” and “Proud Family” affected me. Side note: I don’t know a single girl from my old middle school who didn't tie a plaid button-up around her waist, and who do we have to thank for this trend? The answer is most definitely the wonderful KC Cooper. Then, she completely surprised me in 2017 as MJ in MCU's Spider-Man: Homecoming. Not a single previous Spider-Man movie series had a love interest of color before. Especially not one who rocked her natural hair on screen! My uneven curl pattern has been one of my biggest insecurities, so when I saw Zendaya looking so beautiful and confident in hers, it was enough to make me a little emotional. Seeing a black MJ as desirable to the one and only Peter Parker was inexplicably validating to me and my beauty as a black girl. Something that’s inspired me in more recent years while watching and reading her interviews is that she's never been afraid to speak on race. One of my favorite quotes of hers is “I am Hollywood's acceptable version of a black girl.” Unfortunately, some of my friends and peers have felt very comfortable saying racially offensive things to me or spewing micro-aggressions like it’s nothing. I'm almost certain they’ve felt such comfort because my ‘level’ of blackness was welcoming to them. Zendaya goes on to say, “Unfortunately, I have a bit of a privilege compared to my darker sisters and brothers.” I was so impressed with how she acknowledged her privilege as a lighter-skinned person, and how oftentimes we do not receive nearly as much outwardly hateful racism. It made me rethink my feelings about being mixed and has kept me in check on my mindset. I, like many others, have grown up with Zendaya. I watched her as she seemed never to falter. Her confidence has had a lasting impact on me in many forms. From showing me that no one is worth altering myself for, to showing me how to be in tune with my black femininity, to improving my overall outlook on my place in the world, she will always hold a special place in my mixed-girl heart.

"This could be the first generation of children in the United States that lives less than its parents." When I was in 6th grade, I watched the Forks over Knives health documentary. Not to say that scare tactics are a healthy way to educate youth, but hearing what my then-current lifestyle was doing to my body was a surefire awakening! As someone who used to eat meat with nearly every single meal, it terrified me to think of how many years I would be knocking off my lifespan had I continued treating my body the way I was. So I turned to vegetarianism to kick off my health journey, which would eventually lead to full-on veganism. In raw honesty, my start to vegetarianism was not the healthiest. Deep down I knew I was using it as justification for my over-restricting habits. I was most definitely bordering on an eating disorder. It's strange for me to look back and acknowledge that my obsession with maintaining good health would lead me into actions that did just the opposite. My mother noticed my struggle and less-than-fabulous mindset surrounding food and, thankfully, stepped in. I was advised to switch to pescetarianism until my energy levels as well as my mental & physical health were improved. During my 2 month period of healing, I did deeper research regarding plant-based eating, and it became more and more about the animals themselves and the environment. It was inspiring to realize I was becoming a part of something much bigger than myself. I also prioritized educating myself on how to healthfully fuel my body without relying on animal products. I was finally ready for veganism. I’m a huge advocate for veganism now. I'm not forceful with my lifestyle on others and don’t judge any non-vegans, however, I let my friends and family members know the good it’s done for me. I also give advice where I believe it's appropriate and welcomed. Feeling constantly fatigued? “Try no meat for a month!” Struggling with cystic acne? “How ‘bout skipping dairy for a week?” I tell them. And my suggestions have even been, rewardingly, successful at times! I love it when they call me sometime later to rave about how much energy they've had since they cut off certain animal products or how confident they feel in their new glow. One thing that especially fascinates me is the widespread misinformation. One of my pet peeves is when people ask me, “But how on earth do you get your protein?” when the majority of humans strictly eat herbivorous animals- meaning the protein they're consuming is indirectly coming from plants! Where better to get said protein from than straight from the actual source (and without the artery suicide)? It’s this misconception about veganism that makes me so passionate about advocating for it. Veganism has been proven to cure so many illnesses that a lot of times medication can only subside. If we were better represented in the media (looking at you Kadie Diekmeyer AKA That Vegan Teacher), and accurate education regarding it was more available- the world would benefit exponentially. I have a strong passion for public speaking- as young as middle school I was giving speeches in the cafeteria on self-esteem and sobriety to my peers. As a vegan of over three years now, I feel more qualified to talk about this topic than any other topic I've ever set out to speak about before! I know that not everyone will be a willing ear, but just thinking of that one person I could reach with my words overwhelms me with joy.

Mental health and art coincide for me; the less art I do the further I slip into a bad place, and the worse I feel the harder it is to create. It’s a bit counter-productive if you ask me, but it’s the reason that I know I absolutely must fulfill that part of me in life and my career. I’m currently a junior in high school and since the 6th grade, I’ve known that my dream is to make a living in the art industry. An art piece of mine that has much value to me is the very first edition of my high school’s student-led Magazine-Newspaper hybrid. During my sophomore year, I heard word of a possible school newspaper and I immediately reached out to my counselor in hopes of earning a spot on the staff. I was thrilled when I was accepted and invited to the first meeting, and then shortly after I was elected Graphic Design Editor of the team based on my portfolio and presentation. I was truly honored to be granted such an experience and set out crafting what would become known as the “NewZine.” I built its branding from the ground up. This took me hours a day and took especially long during publication week but those hours seemed like minutes at times, getting lost in color choices, custom layouts, and the collaging process. The NewZine isn’t like any other school newspaper because the time and energy put into the look equals that put into the content itself. My all-time favorite editions are the Halloween ones, both of which I’ve gotten the privilege of designing having been nominated as design editor two years in a row now. However, I’m not limited to graphic design by any means. I also have a strong passion for studio art; specifically drawing and painting. Although I dabble in 3D art as well. My favorite piece “Bonnie” is a painting I did using watercolors and acrylic. The highlight of the piece is a bear-humanoid creature in grotesque style clown makeup. It turned out to be everything I wanted and more which was infinitely inspiring (not to mention that I'm so in love with doing mixed media.) After several long months of crippling art block, it was my escape, my savior. After that painting, I even started selling my studio art in my family business “The Brain Dump” (in which I sell my hand-made jewelry and knick-knacks) which I had never previously done before. My ultimate desire is to design for an indie magazine such as Trax or even a major one like Cosmopolitan. I also intend to grow into entrepreneurship by selling my art (including physical paintings, drawings, hand-made jewelry, as well as my original posters) on my own, outside of my family business. I've even started a name for myself, under the guise of "M0ldy Lem0nade." Interacting personally with people who are interested in my art fills me with such joy. I believe that I have the skill and potential to handle both worlds of company work and self-employment. I thoroughly look forward to any opportunities to dive into my passions!

Mental health and art coincide for me; the less art I do the further I slip into a bad place, and the worse I feel the harder it is to create. It’s a bit counter-productive if you ask me, but it’s the reason that I know I absolutely must fulfill that part of me in life and my career. I’m currently a junior in high school and since the 6th grade, when I watched and followed my very first drawing tutorial on YouTube, I’ve known that it’s my dream to be in the art business. During my sophomore year, I heard word of a possible school newspaper and I immediately reached out to my counselor in hopes of earning a spot on the staff. I was thrilled when I was accepted and invited to the first meeting, and then shortly after I was elected Graphic Design Editor of the team based on my portfolio and presentation. I was truly honored to be granted such an experience and set out crafting what would become known as the “NewZine.” I built its branding from the ground up. This took me hours a day and took especially long during publication week but those hours seemed like minutes at times, getting lost in color choices, custom layouts, and the collaging process. The NewZine isn’t like any other school newspaper- it’s hyper-visual. I can confidently say that the time and energy put into the “look” equals that put into the content itself. The Halloween editions are my all-time favorites, both of which I’ve gotten the privilege of designing having been nominated as Design Editor two years in a row now! However, I’m not limited to graphic design by any means. I also have a strong passion for studio art; specifically drawing and painting. Although I dabble in 3D art as well. My favorite piece “Bonnie” is a painting I did using watercolors and acrylic. The highlight of the piece is a bear-humanoid creature in grotesque style clown makeup. It turned out to be everything I wanted and more which was infinitely inspiring (not to mention that I'm so in love with doing mixed media.) After several long months of crippling art block, it was my escape, my savior. After that painting, I even started selling my studio art in my family business “The Brain Dump” (in which I sell my hand-made jewelry and knick-knacks) which I had never previously done before. My ultimate desire is to design for an indie magazine such as Trax or even a major one like Cosmopolitan. I also intend to grow into entrepreneurship by selling my art (including physical paintings, drawings, hand-made jewelry, as well as my original posters) on my own, outside of my family business. I've even started a name for myself, under the guise of "M0ldy Lem0nade" (peep my attached logo!). Interacting personally with people who are interested in my art fills me with such joy. I believe that I have the skill and potential to handle both worlds of company work and self-employment. I thoroughly look forward to any opportunities to dive into my passions!