Four years ago I almost killed myself. However, God had other plans. I plan to use the life I am now living to serve God and serve others. One way I can do that is through using my God-given talent. I am a filmmaker. I have always been incredibly inspired by films. They use a combination of sound and visuals to illuminate an entire world. This gives viewers a few hours to escape from reality and be entertained, educated, and inspired. Watching movies is the best escape for me. It was my coping mechanism when I was depressed and anxious. It is what makes me happy; what makes me feel like life is special. Every time I sit down at the movie theatre, I get excited just at the feeling around me. The smell of popcorn, the feeling of the soft carpet underneath my shoes, and the scanning sound of the tickets have become conditioned stimuli to me. It indicates I am about to have an amazing two hours where I will feel continuously inspired afterward. Life would be dull without the arts. Artists are needed. As an artist, my goal is to use my talents to make a positive impact on those around me. I want to make the movies that you cry at, laugh at, and say "Hey, that's me!" I want people to feel inspired and represented. I want to write and direct films that make a lasting difference. I could not care less about fame. If my films could inspire at least one person, it would matter. It would fill my heart. One thing I have wondered through the last few years was "Why did God let me survive? I am no one special. I have nothing going for me and am going to disappoint everyone." At the time, I was not sure I would ever get into college, pass my driver's test, be able to move out, and live with my newly diagnosed General Anxiety Disorder. While I know one never "figures out" life, I know I can use my past to help others. As hard as it has been to face my past, I am able to use it to create stories, characters, and worlds in films. I never realized how therapeutic it could be to make yourself into a character and have people say they relate to that character. Currently, I am working on a short film called “Project Z.” I have the feature-length script written but I am unable to fund such a large project. Thankfully, I have friends willing to help me make a short version to promote the story and hopefully raise money to make the feature. This film has been my favorite project I have ever created. I held nothing back as I put my struggles into the main character. She struggles and is relatable but finds herself empowered in the story. In addition, I was able to name the characters after special people in my life. The character that sets off the plot is named after my grandmother “Raquel Tamez.” Just like the movie would not happen without her, I would not be in America if not for her hard work and bravery. If I am so lucky as to receive this scholarship, I will be able to finance my next semesters at Sam Houston State University, where I am currently studying film and have had tremendous opportunities. I am determined to earn a degree and learn everything I can about my field so I can make a positive impact on the world.

@torimosser

I have Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS). POTS is basically when your blood does not flow as it should when in an upright position, and your heart has to work twice as hard to get blood flow back to your head. This results in dizziness, brain fog, shakiness, heart palpitations, chest pain, no temperature regulation fainting episodes, and shortness of breath. Everyone is affected differently by this condition, so I am only speaking on a fraction of the symptoms and hardships resulting from this chronic illness. The irony is, before I was diagnosed, I remember seeing tiktoks of people with POTS, discussing their way of life. I felt so bad for them, wondering how they get through daily life when they pass out or feel that sick at random times. I do not have to wonder anymore. In 2019, I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder, which was the correct diagnosis at the time for me. However, this diagnosis became the excuse for every medical problem I had from that time on. Doctors that I went to would always attribute any issue I was having to my anxiety. Because of this, my POTS went undiagnosed for years and I was considered to be having panic attacks. It is understandable; There are so many medical issues that can be caused by anxiety. In addition, POTS has historically been a rare medical condition, so doctors do not necessarily jump to this conclusion when you have panic-attack-like symptoms. In fact, as I am typing this essay, my spell-check is notifying me that “POTS” should be corrected to “PTSD”. I have struggled with these “panic attacks” for years now. They were always random, not triggered by anxiety. I have had episodes in class, while driving, at home, and just anytime. I would find it hard to breathe, become dizzy, and experience other symptoms I mentioned above. I began to feel hopeless. I was annoyed that my anxiety could be so debilitating. At one point I had an episode three hours long where I was in and out of consciousness. After this episode, my parents decided to take me back to my psychiatrist, where they promptly notified me that I needed to visit a cardiologist due to my chest pain. Finally, after several months of tests, forms, insurance, scraping up money, and pain, I received my diagnosis of POTS. Unfortunately, I learned this is a chronic illness with no cure, and no official treatment. Instead, I have to spend extra time taking care of my symptoms to ease the pain. I have to take pills to lower my heart rate, but eat extra salt to make sure my blood pressure does not get too low. I have to drink extra water (three times the amount of a normal person) because my body does not retain water, and I have to eat small amounts more often rather than full meals, as bigger meals will trigger symptoms. All of these things have made going to school and work incredibly difficult, especially being a filmmaker where I am on my feet all day. Most weekends I spend in bed, trying to regain any energy (also called spoons). Most weekdays I get home and pass out or at the very least get incredibly shaky. It is hard. I feel defeated most days. I miss my energy, my life. However, I know that this is only an obstacle and will not ruin my life. My life is completely different now, but I am still confident I can get through it and live my life to the fullest.

The dream version of my future self is a loving, caring, selfless person who uses her talents to serve God and others.

I would have everyone read the Bible. It sounds cheesy, I know. The Bible is a special book though. It is the one thing on this earth that is unchanging. It is our source of truth. It is a book with incredible wisdom, powerful history and is our instruction manual to life. The Bible tells us how we can be saved from the sin we have created. It fills us with encouragement and promises that only God can make. I could go on to even talk about the entertainment and educating stories it involves. However, the most important reason anyone should read even a little of this book, is because it saves us. It breaks my heart to know some people are struggling with mental illness or even going through life without purpose. It would amazing if I could get everyone a Bible. I want everyone to feel loved and cared about, and to know that God is always there. He loves them no matter what. I wish everyone had the opportunitiy to read about everything God has done and is doing because he loves us. He died on the cross for our sins, despite doing nothing wrong himself. He has given us endless mercy and has provided for us. He has constructed every system on earth and even our bodies to work just the way they need to. He is the only answer to the question of life. I know if I did not have my faith, I would not be here. God has gotten me through depression, anxiety, and every hard moment of my life. My life is not perfect, or easier, but it is better because I have Jesus and His Word.

I almost took my own life in 2019. This made a gigantic impact on my entire family and myself. My family and friends had no idea (and many still do not know) that I was dealing with severe anxiety and depression. I felt that I was never understood, and eventually stopped talking to people about my struggles. This made my mental health even worse. I got to the point where I felt physically sick all of the time, could barely sleep, barely get through school, and had no desire to do anything. I was living hour by hour in pain and started to wonder why I am even still living. I soon began to wonder about the logistics of killing myself. I thought no one would miss me. I thought all my pain would go away. I thought the only way to escape my seemingly doomed future would be to die. I was tired of being anxious. I was tired of no one caring or believing me. No one in my family has dealt with this before and I knew they wouldn't understand. Thankfully, my mom was there to stop me and I was placed in psychiatric care. There I was diagnosed with GAD and MDD. The funny thing is, the hospital only worsened all of my symptoms, and I gained PTSD from the nightmare experience. The hospital patients were treated like prisoners. We were constantly yelled at, ignored, and laughed at. If you "misbehaved" you would be forcibly sedated. We were not allowed to even stand up without permission. When I got physically sick from going into shock, the nurses did nothing. There were very few experiences with any kind of therapy or help. Instead, they gave everyone heavy drugs based on limited knowledge of our issues. This entire experience was deeply traumatic and I would not wish it upon anyone. When I got out, I had changed, but only due to seeing my parents and sisters' reactions. They were heartbroken. I felt the most guilt and shame I had ever felt. I knew I let them down. I let myself down. I then made a promise to myself that I would not give up. I would fight through my struggles. Even though now I was dealing with more trauma from the hospital, I knew that killing myself was not the answer. Since then, I have learned many coping strategies, learned to talk to my loved ones, and have been placed on proper medication to manage my anxiety. My goal is to use my talent in filmmaking to share my story and help others who are dealing with mental illness. That is why I am in school studying film. It is really hard typing this now. I do not want anyone to know my personal struggles, but if I can help someone by showing them they are not alone, I will do it. I still avoid encouraging inpatient hospitals, but I always encourage therapy and psychiatric help. I hope and pray my work can help others and no one has to go through what I did.

I never wanted to go to college as a kid. I was terrified. I thought there was no way I could make it in such an environment. Keeping up with classes, social life, and my parents' expectations seemed impossible. Of course, I now know it is not due to my secret weapon. Younger me would be shocked to hear I love college. Not because I've been super lucky and everything has been okay, but because I have learned to praise God even through the rough patches. I learned there is no hill that you finally get over. There is no moment in life where you figure everything out. Instead, you have to find a way to cope and handle everything. One of the ways to do that is by keeping a positive mindset. "I am excited about college." There are so many exciting things about college, but I think my favorite is the social environment. I am an introvert, and I grew up homeschooled and shy. Thankfully, I have been pulled out of my shell and found some amazing friends at my school. While the school work is not always the most fun, even the classes I look forward to. I get excited to learn new things about film and to see my friends. As I mentioned previously, my college life has not been perfect. I have actually dealt with more obstacles in the past year than I have my whole life. I had to quickly learn to drive, socialize, go to a public school, and even live on my own just within a few months. Then I had to learn to adapt to a completely new environment, not knowing anyone and keep up with college-level work. It has been incredibly overwhelming. On top of that, I have to deal with General Anxiety Disorder and my new, undiagnosed heart disorder. All this would be a great excuse to lie in bed, depressed. That is how I used to live. Now, I have found the one thing that can get me through anything, Jesus. Jesus is my "secret weapon." He is what gets me through everything. He has always stayed beside me even through my darkest moments. I have constantly disappointed and run away from him, yet he still stays. Having Jesus be the leader of my life does not make any of my problems go away. However, my faith in him has given me a sense of security and calmness. I always know when something does not go my way, Jesus has a better plan. It may not be better for me per se, but my misfortune could lead to someone else's fortune. When I am struggling with my mental and physical health, I use the Word of God to guide me. I know he will always guide me through the storm.

Four years ago I almost killed myself. However, God had other plans. I plan to use the life I am now living to serve God and serve others. One way I can do that is through using my God-given talent. I am a filmmaker. I have always been incredibly inspired by films. They use a combination of sound and visuals to illuminate an entire world. This gives viewers a few hours to escape from reality and be entertained, educated, and inspired. Watching movies is the best escape for me. It was my coping mechanism when I was depressed and anxious. It is what makes me happy; what makes me feel like life is special. Every time I sit down at the movie theatre, I get excited just at the feeling around me. The smell of popcorn, the feeling of the soft carpet underneath my shoes, and the scanning sound of the tickets have become conditioned stimuli to me. It indicates I am about to have an amazing two hours where I will feel continuously inspired afterward. Life would be dull without the arts. Artists are needed. As an artist, my goal is to use my talents to make a positive impact on those around me. I want to make the movies that you cry at, laugh at, and say "Hey, that's me!" I want people to feel inspired and represented. I want to write and direct films that make a lasting difference. I could not care less about fame. If my films could inspire at least one person, it would matter. It would fill my heart. One thing I have wondered through the last few years was "Why did God let me survive? I am no one special. I have nothing going for me and am going to disappoint everyone." At the time, I was not sure I would ever get into college, pass my driver's test, be able to move out, and live with my newly diagnosed General Anxiety Disorder. While I know one never "figures out" life, I know I can use my past to help others. As hard as it has been to face my past, I am able to use it to create stories, characters, and worlds in films. I never realized how therapeutic it could be to make yourself into a character and have people say they relate to that character. Currently, I am working on a short film called “Project Z.” I have the feature-length script written but I am unable to fund such a large project. Thankfully, I have friends willing to help me make a short version to promote the story and hopefully raise money to make the feature. This film has been my favorite project I have ever created. I held nothing back as I put my struggles into the main character. She struggles and is relatable but finds herself empowered in the story. In addition, I was able to name the characters after special people in my life. The character that sets off the plot is named after my grandmother “Raquel Tamez.” Just like the movie would not happen without her, I would not be in America if not for her hard work and bravery. The feature length "Project Z" film is my dream film. It is my baby. My goal is to one day finish this story and get it out into the world. I want people who suffer from GAD or other mental disorders to feel understood. I want them to know they are loved and needed. If I am so lucky as to receive this scholarship, I will be able to finance my next semesters at Sam Houston State University, where I am currently studying film and have had tremendous opportunities. I am determined to earn a degree and learn everything I can about my field so I can make a positive impact on the world.