My boyfriend passed in March from a miscellaneous drug overdose. He was a light in the lives of many people and made sure to smile everywhere he went. No one knew him to do drugs, so we are all still in shock of his passing. I am not suicidal, but this has left me with an emotional imbalance that I can not shake.
Given the fact that he was always so happy and helpful, I could not see why he had to leave this earth so soon. He was the first man to come into my life and make me feel genuinely loved and accepted for who I am. He was also a great loving father to two kids before and after I met him. He not only left the kids behind. He left his big loving family, who treat me with nothing but respect, behind as well.
I am not sure if his death was intentional, as he was dealing with a lot around the time he passed. I’d like to believe that it was not, but he is not here to answer that question and the only thing that can is my wandering mind. Every day, I am saddened by the thought of him leaving. I am aware that my mental health is not at its peak because of this, but I am unsure of what to do about it.
In the black community we tend to brush things like this under the rug and silence ourselves in times where we should speak out and express our emotions. I teeter on this fence because of the way it can make me look to others. My primary doctor offered grieving counselors to me after I cried at my appointment following the funeral. I turned this down because it was too soon for me to talk about it without crying. I was also given an “annual” suicide survey at my following appointment, which made me feel as though the counselors were offered only in an attempt to prevent me from committing suicide. That thought alone made me shy away even more from the idea of a grieving counselor. It made me feel as if they just needed the money, and I was vulnerable enough at the time for it to be pushed on me.
Because I am known for being smart and talented, I find myself trying to uphold that image to the outside world and fear talking to someone that may label me otherwise. Though I am not necessarily afraid of any diagnosis I may receive, I am cautious of the way the perception of my mental health can affect my future. I am going to be a dental hygienist, so I obviously plan on smiling throughout my career-to-be. I don’t want to deal with stigmas placed on me for feeling this way so early on in the program. I believe that death really opened up the doors to my mental health imperfections.
I overthink, I cry, I deny, I cry harder, I calculate, I weep, I accept, I sleep. I wake up with eyelids as big as hushpuppies and I try to go on as best I can. Some people are aware of his passing. Others usually say things that trigger my emotions. For example, my car was smoking about a week or two after returning from the funeral in his hometown. A couple coworkers said “Don’t you got a boyfriend? Why doesn’t he do it?” I could not fight my tears then, nor as I type this.
I get these questions often now. I also run into a lot of people both at work and randomly who ask me questions that require me to tell them that my boyfriend has passed to either stop their assumptions, or to stop any inconsiderate comments that follow if I do not. It makes me feel like I’m being taunted for reasons I can’t understand.
Being that I don’t know of my boyfriends true mental health state before he passed, nor my current mental health state, I battle being non-responsive, celebratory, and combative every day in my mind. No one can ever figure out my mood and I’m seen as bipolar. I wish there were better ways to figure out and cope with these things without finding myself ashamed of or cautious of the people that could help.
People usually come to me to vent and feel heard, but I have not found that level of comfort and acceptance outside of my boyfriend. We talked about everything into the night. Now I am left to talk to myself and the sky…but don’t fret! There ARE things that keep me going. A week after his funeral, I attended a mandatory meeting for a dental program I previously applied for. Last year I was an alternate. I joined the navy as a plan B, experienced a burn from a grease fire, had burn surgery (which took skin from my leg to place on my hand), ultimately dropped myself from the navy DEP program (as I had too many appointments for the wounds and medicines to be able to leave for boot camp) and reapplied for the program this year. I was chosen to be one of 34 students for this years program and I am truly excited!
Though I wish he was here to see me, I know my boyfriend is pushing me from the clouds. His family and I also still keep contact! I am actually visiting his mother, daughter, and son today as his daughter’s birthday was yesterday.
Though I fight an internal battle, I find that my emotions will not stop my journey. They may affect me negatively, but I am still healing mentally, physically, and emotionally and I will not stop hoping for improvement.
Thank you giving me the platform to not only express my mental health, but to reflect on it as well. I have cried many tears writing this. Scholarship or not, this is my stepping stone!