Lassie was a collie that had a brilliant mind and an even more brilliant heart. Lassie was everyone's dog thanks to television. But growing up, I had a dog named Laddie. He was a collie that my father had gotten for the family and for his own support dealing with his mental illness. But as a young girl, I did not realize just how much of an impact Laddie had on everyone in my family. Laddie was the kind of dog that laid on the floor at my mom's feet in the kitchen just so she would have company while she worked her butt off to keep our family fed. He felt her stress and anxiety and just took it away so she could remember what she was working so very hard for. Laddie made sure my older sister's heart didn't completely shatter when she was crushed with teenage breakups or friendship battles. He was her calm, collected crying pillow and warmth. Laddie was a first responder. When my dad would go into hyperglycemic comas on the floor for hours at the house when no one was home, Laddie would lay beside him to keep him warm and constantly lick his face to keep him somewhat lucid. Laddie would lay with my dad through the nights when my dad was in his deepest depressions to remind him that he was never alone. Laddie was a playmate, and played games with me in the yard, like tag and hide n seek. He let me dress him up and had tea parties with me. He kept me warm when I took sudden naps while playing and let me use him as a pillow when I watched movies in the living room. When my dad committed suicide when I was 11 years old, Laddie shared the same heartbreak that I did and never left my side. He stayed my me constantly, quietly and just helped me to be able to gather my own thoughts and settled me on my weepy nights. He was the strength I needed to move past my loss and build myself back up. Laddie did later pass away that second year after my dad's passing but he was an inspiration. Laddie was an inspiration to an entire broken family that needed a single piece to hold them together. Because of one childhood dog, my life has changed forever. I have since gotten another dog, when I was 27 and my life has never felt more whole than since when I had Laddie. Nova Jane is a new prodigy who continues to console, heal and remind my now family that we are one and she is the piece holding us together. She is a constant reminder to me of what I had with Laddie.

I have had thoughts of suicide probably thousands of times over the last 20 years. I have attempted suicide 3 times over the last 20 years. With my attempts I grew stronger and stronger in my will to live and become greater than I was the day before. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder as a child who was being raised by a Schizophrenic Manic Depressive father. I never realized that father's health had everything to do with mine. Until he committed suicide when I was 11, 3 days before my 12th birthday. But this devastating loss has somehow managed to always make me think twice when I'm ready to walk in my father's same shoes. Growing up with my own mental illness has not been easy. I see others as "too happy" or "too successful" because I assume they don't fight the same demons. I have struggled to keep relationships with immediate family and friends on a day to day. I am now engaged and have 2 children and every day I fight to keep myself going and growing so that my family never has to go through what I went through as a kid. My depression and bipolar disorder has pushed me so close to the edge of defeat many times, but I have been pushing myself further by trying to succeed in my goals so that I may show the stigma that it is NOT mental illness that defines a person. So many times, I have been asked "Did you forget to take your meds today?" or told that "Cuckoo got out of the clock, you need to put it back in!" that it lights the fire in my soul to prove that I am stronger than what others perceive as mental illness. When I am working in my field as a registered medical assistant, I use my own obstacles and deficiencies to help me open my eyes to what all of my patients could possibly be facing. I am empathetic to them and try to show support and understanding for anything they may be going through. This is my greatest passion. I want to become a registered nurse so that I have higher knowledge and more capabilities to help those around me who are going through the same things I have to help them achieve a more holistic outlook. My personal relationships take the biggest toll in dealing with my mental health but I am pushing so hard to prove that I can manage it and continue to live my own life with such a holistic outlook. I am all too cognizant of how my own actions wear onto others, so I try to "fake it, until I make it". I think my experience with mental health has made me all to transparent to the world and I want to be able to prove to it once and for all that I am NOT my mental illness and that the world doesn't need to be their mental illness either.