There is a purpose in loving the unlovable. It lies in the fact that they are not in fact unlovable. I remember feeling this way: unloved, unlovable. I was broken, so my edges were sharp, and it hurt me too, like a broken piece being dropped again and again because it was too sharp to hold onto. I had to find a way to love myself, to dull those sharp edges, to round them out. I wanted to be brand new, and over time I found a way to love myself as I was and change the things I could. I still struggle with this every day, but the thing that helps me most is showing love to others, loving those who cannot love themselves.
Tell me, how do you behave when you feel hurt, broken, unloved? Don't we act out on the way we are treated? Tell me you've never pushed someone away when you were longing for their love. Tell me you didn't wish they'd gather all of you up, all your fear, doubt, hatred into a golden embrace. Have you ever felt the way love melts those icy things away?
Broken glass isn't pretty; it's sharp and painful. Still, you must gather it again to make a whole. Someone has to do the gathering. Be one who binds their brokenness with the love God has given you rather than joining the crowds that resent the broken pieces. Don't step around the shards of pain.
Once I grew into loving myself, I chose to be a gatherer. A gatherer of broken things. Careful of the edges, yes, but more careful not to break them again. I'm learning still to bind them up, to be a part of the fixing. I hope that broken others can see from me that you don't even have to be whole to be a gatherer because we all need a little love and acceptance to warm our broken pieces back together again.
This is an ideology I do my best to share with others in the way that I behave in any given relationship. It is the belief and understanding that people act out on how they feel that allows me to extend more grace toward others in my life. We, as humans, need so much grace and much more we need to give it out. I am not perfect, and I should accept that others don't have to be perfect either. I believe this makes for much stronger relationships. We can accept that our friends and our families have flaws all while encouraging them and helping them to improve. We can forgive and help each other improve. These are the kinds of relationships I want to nurture in my life.
Beyond the way my experience with depression and anxiety has affected my relationships with others, it has also made me a motivated person. There was a time when I couldn't see much for my future. I still struggle to believe in myself and to see what I can truly accomplish, but I've learned that the things that I just can't see for myself can become realities. I never saw myself being loved the way I am by the man that I married. I never saw myself moving away from all I had ever known to live in a different state. I never saw myself applying for a job I was underqualified for and being promoted after only 6 months of training. I never saw myself finishing my prerequisites and getting into a competitive college program after only applying once. It makes me wonder what more I could reach for in this life.
When I started applying for college I decided to tell everyone I was going for a career in dental hygiene simply because there had to be something to say. I was interested in science and good at school, but I never had that kind of confidence in myself that I truly thought I could get into any competitive program. I ended up with the opportunity to travel to Guatemala as part of a dental volunteer group, and it was there that I learned how much the dental field is about helping others. Today, as a dental assistant, I calm peoples nerves every day just as I did in Guatemala. This August, I will finally start studying at TCC as 1 of 14 dental hygiene students who will graduate in 2023, and I can't wait to start working with patients. I have come to realize that in this field there are many opportunities for me to be a gatherer of broken pieces. Whether it's talking someone through a difficult process, helping restore people's smiles, or the volunteer opportunities that come along with such a career, I've found a field in which I can spread the beliefs I have come to through my own struggles with mental illness. This is how my own struggles become something positive, and this is how I can change that struggle for others.