I stood in my dorm room in Japan at 2 AM, checking the door lock for the fifteenth time. I knew it was locked. I'd checked fourteen times already. But my brain kept screaming that maybe I'd missed something. That's when I realized this wasn't normal. The intrusive thoughts, the compulsive checking, the need for control. This was OCD, and it was taking over.
Moving to Japan at eighteen triggered something I didn't see coming. The isolation hit hard. I'd sit in my dorm for entire weekends, unable to leave. Everyone else seemed fine, adapting, making friends, enjoying college. Why couldn't I? The depression crept in slowly, then all at once. Some days I couldn't get out of bed. Other nights I couldn't sleep at all, lying awake replaying every awkward interaction, every mistake I'd made. When I finally got sleep medication, I realized how bad things had gotten.
The OCD came next, or maybe it was always there and depression made it worse. I developed rituals. Checking locks, counting steps, touching doorframes a specific number of times. If I didn't do it perfectly, I'd start over. I'd be late to class, stuck in my room redoing the same action until it felt "right." My concrete research won top presenter at a conference, but I couldn't enjoy it. I was too exhausted from the constant battle in my head.
When I returned to Korea for Hyundai E&C, I thought changing environments would fix everything. It didn't. Depression followed me. OCD got worse with project stress. I'd spend hours after work checking and rechecking calculations I knew were correct. My coworkers thought I was thorough. They didn't know I was trapped in compulsive loops I couldn't escape.
Coming to the US for my M.S./Ph.D. added another layer. Visa uncertainty, financial pressure, no safety net. It amplified everything. I finally sought help because I couldn't keep living like this. Therapy helped me understand the patterns. Medication took the edge off. But it's not cured. I still have bad days.
What made it harder was cultural stigma. In Korea and Japan, you hide mental illness. You don't talk about depression or anxiety. You definitely don't admit you can't stop checking the stove. Coming to the US, where people are more open, was both relieving and terrifying. I could finally talk about it, but I also had to confront how much it had controlled my life.
I share this because international grad students face unique mental health challenges people don't talk about. The isolation, visa stress, financial pressure, being far from support. It's perfect conditions for mental illness. Engineering and construction are high-pressure fields where mental health gets ignored. People burn out, struggle silently, and we pretend it's just part of the job.
I'm trying to change that. I talk openly with other international students about mental health. I share resources, recommend therapists who understand visa anxiety. I'm creating spaces where grad students can admit they're struggling without feeling like failures. In construction engineering, where everyone's supposed to be tough, I want to show you can be successful while managing mental illness.
Depression and OCD haven't disappeared. I still have hard days. I still catch myself in compulsive patterns. But I'm no longer suffering in silence, no longer pretending everything's fine. Mental illness doesn't disqualify you from your goals. Managing it has taught me resilience, empathy, and the importance of asking for help. Those lessons make me a better engineer, researcher, and hopefully, better support for others fighting similar battles.