For a long time my anxiety stopped me from ever trying anything new. 'Two chicken quesedillas and a plain hard shell taco.' This was the same exact order I would always order from Taco Bell. My comfort meal in a way. Pretty frequently too, as my dad didn't like to cook. So whenever my mom was away for work or doing other things away from home my Dad would ask me "What do you want for supper". And that's what I would tell him. I was afraid of trying something new. This fear of trying something new manifested itself in my life constantly. I was afraid to try out for any sports out of fear of not being good at them and having the energy. Fear of putting in too much effort and then getting a bad grade even though I tried so hard. I was even afraid of meeting new people. Social anxiety, regular anxiety, and depression were the only things I felt like I had going for me. Of course, none of them were positive, but that didn't stop them from haunting every minute of my every day. Then, without warning one day, I simply graduated high school. Without warning, or facing any of my problems I was whisked away from the place I had known my entire life. It was hard. I fell out of connection with all my friends, and the future was a dark blur. Questions like what do you want from Taco Bell were replaced with 'What do you wanna do with your life". It took me a long time to figure that out. Fast forward a gap semester and somewhere in between that time it dawned on me that I didn't have to feel this way anymore. I slowly took more time to discover myself, why did I feel this way, and what made me feel alive. It wasn't easy dealing with so many things while having no energy. Most days I would sleep in til 2 or 3 pm. It wasn't until about my first week of truly grasping the college experience did I feel ready to answer the questions about my future. I was at a place where I could look back, and gaze at all the progress I had made since even being a freshman. I now respond with confidence " I want to be a mental health doctor." Someone who understands what it's like to go through the kind of things that cant be talked about is worth their weight in gold. Finding my purpose I can now look forward to my future in higher education with glee and determination. I know many who go through what I did don't have a happy ending, and I'm going to work to change that. I managed to turn my problems into my passion, and it made me realize that everyone can have a success story. Above all else, I want people who were where I was to feel like they have someone who understands, and will help them pursue their future, just like I'm doing with mine.

Nihilism was not a fun lense to look at the world through, so now I'm trying a new lense - optimism. It definately has been a strange time to be an optimist. The endless chain of mind numbing news perpetuated by the media and a global pandemic have made uprooted much of the world. Though strange, it hasn't been hard to stay an optimist. When I think about how I can keep looking at the world in a positive light, I actually take a look back into the past. It's easy to critique yourself in the moment, but if you compare it to your own monumental progress from where you were and where you are now, it's easy to crack a smile or two. Tough times are just that, times. Temporary periods of grief or strife usually pass, even though in the moment they seem world-ending. This view of comparing my progress, and always having something to be proud of allows me to fave the future knowing that everything eventually becomes the past, and that the past was not as bad as you thought it was. Although I place such an emphasis on the past, this doesn't mean I live through it. Being an optimist also means living for the future, and appreciating what is to come. This teaches us to appreciate wherever we're at in time. Learn from the past. Live in the present, and live for the future. Admittedly though, this is easier said than done. Optimism isn't something you can wear on your sleeve like a badge 24/7. It's something that you practice. With enough practice, you can learn to perfect it, and that is how anyone can learn to stay optimistic and thrive through tough times.

Conjuring up the thoughts of a babbling brook, or a peaceful meadow, or even a calm state of sensory deprivation never really worked for me. What really works for me, is writing. No, really, it's as simple as that. Whenever I feel like the world's against me and I'm so overwhelmed I can't think straight, all I do is write. I fill page after page of a notebook or type out what could be a full length novel on Google docs. Something as simple as writing can turn my bad days into okay ones. Maybe its a form of escapism, but writing can do wonders for the mind. It helps you to immerse yourself into a form of work that's enjoyable, and create whatever your mind can come up with. It's such a simple activity with a plethora of benefits. You can even do it while drinking coffee, so double the stress relief! Besides writing, my second favorite way to clear my mind is instead of picturing that babbling brook, I walk there! According to the American Psychological Association, spending time in nature improves both emotional, and mental well being. Living near a park can be a blessing in disguise if your plagued by stress or a bad day. For me personally, this effect can also be felt in the library. College comes with some pretty lengthy study requirements, and what better place is there to fulfill those requirements than the library. With an aura of quietness and a staff of friendly librarians my public library has become a safe place for me to go whenever I feel down. It comes as no suprise that college is one of the hardest times of anyone's life. Financial stress, the need to study, and other important life events all taking place at the same time can combine into a tidal wave of anxiety. It's important to push back against that tide with a strong wall of mental health resources. However, the light of the mind alone won't treat mental illness, and that is why mental health should be protected, and not stigmatized. It's important to have resources at the ready for anyone who needs them, and to practice mindfulness in everyone's lives.

From paper towels to paper plates to plastic forks and spoons, everything we throw away ends up somewhere in the environment. To combat this, I've taken on the challenge of going reusable in as many ways as possible. This year alone I've found countless ways to reduce my own personal waste and grow ecologically conscious. Switching from paper towels to a reusable towel, finding ways to upcycle and reuse the wide array of packaging consumers normally throw away. I've taken to biking to work, and even growing my own grapes and strawberries in my back yard. Those are all the day to day activities I participate in, but through my volunteering with my local library I can make a community impact as well. Educating the local community through nature hikes, a seed library, and other numerous events are how I participate in a bigger scale. It isn't hard to get involved in caring about the planet, and if we aren't careful we can lose it. For the first time ever, microplastics have been discovered in the placenta of unborn babies. It's crucial everyone does their part to care about the world we live in, or we may lose it, and hurt our future generations in the process.

One of the most simple things I do that I feel like makes a difference is I watch old westerns with the elderly. I work as a home health aide, and with the help of this job I keep seniors in their own homes for as long as possible. Nursing homes can be terrifying, and I witnessed this with one of my grandparents first hand. It can be very stressful leaving behind your home and routine to basically live in the equivalent of a hospital. Most of my work consists of activities that make life easier for those that can't take as good of care of themselves. I've learned to play a card game called 'rummikub', and watch really old TV that now let's me get my parents weird sense of humor. Outside of work, I volunteer at my local public library. Seniors love to read, and so do I, so volunteering here is a great way to make a larger impact on the community as a whole. These activities help me make a meaningful difference in so many peoples lives, and I'm grateful I can be there our most vulnerable, and most wise generation.

When I think of all the different worlds I've traveled to and been a part of thanks to reading, one always stands out to me. The world of Metro 2033, by Dmitry Glukhovsky. Metro isn't a very happy book nor is it a book I would recommend to just anyone. It has a very specific method of storytelling, and that's why I love it so much. The book is centered around the main character named Artyom, who lives in the Moscow Metro. A world where a nuclear war destroyed much of what's on the surface making it uninhabitable. The series tackles complex philosophical concepts, after all, there isn't much else left to do underground. The world is rich and detailed while maintaining a sort of gloomy atmosphere. This detail is where the book shines. Detail is probably the most important part of reading for me. I love even the most basic use of description as it really helps to immerse yourself in what your reading. Dmitry Glukhovsky takes this to a new level mixing excellent detail with characters that feel alive. Conversations will flow between pages effortlessly with an incredibly diverse range of characters who all feel so alive. One of my biggest reasons for reading is to feel like I've traveled, and met all these different characters. Metro is one of the few books where I really felt like this is the true intention of the author. To tell a story so well just by reading it your a part of it. This book will always hold a special place in my heart, and is my primary inspiration for my own book that I'm writing.

Risk is an amazing fuel for passion. At least that's what I've been telling myself going to college. It isn't easy committing to a four year plan that will cost tens of thousands of dollars, and yet we do it. Getting an education takes bravery. It takes facing the anxiety of knowing you may not have a job after college. It takes strength to push yourself through long exams and lectures where you feel like the dumbest person in the room. Or take out thousands of loans you may never be able to pay back. Yet getting an education is an act of defiance. Defying a system that tells you 'you may be able to do it, take a chance'. A system that will toss you to the side of the road in the name of academic profit. It takes bravery to defy that system, to graduate, and come out on top. I practice this bravery, just like every other college student in their academic career. I won't argue that I stand out in any way from anyone else. I'm more than likely just as brave as the next person. I will simply applaud those who choose to take the risk of getting an education, and putting it to good use somewhere in the world. That takes courage, even if your not a millionaire because of your degree.

"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness; it is life." - Captain Jean-Luc Picard. I first heard this quote when I was around 7 years old. I was just a small wide-eyed child watching Star Trek on my dad's lap in the living room. Little did I realize then that this single quote would become a defining lesson that guided my life. Now that I'm no longer seven, I can look back on my major life experiences and see just how much this quote helped me through many of my lowest points in life. One of those points happened long after the age of seven, when I was around 15, my dad was diagnosed with lymphatic cancer. I still remember slowly sliding down the kitchen cabinets in our house after being told the news. It was as if my body just couldn't bear to fight gravity any longer. I thought to myself, "Is this real life? My dad hasn't done anything wrong. Why did it have to be him?"Tears welled in my eyes and spilled onto the carpeted floor. For a couple days after, I just laid in bed, thousands of thoughts would fly through my head. I couldnt focus on school. It all felt so pointless. Then I remembered that quote from so many years ago. Unbeknownst to me at the time, my brain choosing to conjure that string of words started me on the path to healing, and accepting my dad's condition. I realized you don't have to do anything bad or wrong in life, and bad things can still happen to you. But you also cannot live your life in fear of those events. The second part of that quote taught me that this is life with all its hard times, and good times. My dad's now in remission, thankfully, and we've both became a better person for the experience. I've used this lesson long into my college career, and plan on using it for the rest of my life. To put the quote into my own words. "It's okay to fail, as long as you get back up again."

Life is incredibly complex. Like a pair of mismatched socks when you can't find a matching set, you just have to make the best of it. One trait that can be incredibly useful to "making the best of it" is to be resilient. According to the Finnish Institute for Health & Wellness, stress can take 2.8 years off of a person's life on average. Learning to be resilient can almost entirely negate this. Resilience will allow you to stay strong, and develop healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with stress. However, stress isn't the only key to living a long, healthy life. Exercise is another factor whose importance can't be understated. Picking up a healthy hobby like biking, jogging, or lifting weights can help someone feel good about the way they look, and make their body function better. Physical health combined with mental health form a well-adjusted person equipped to handle any complications that can arise in life. I think this is the best way to live a long, healthy, and most importantly enjoyable life.

My biggest turnaround story is overcoming my mental illness and learning to help others from my experiences. Depression can be incredibly hard to overcome. Days where you can't get out of bed, can't shower, or eat are common. I know, because I've been there, and done that. It's a terrible cycle of struggling, getting up, and getting beaten back down. But eventually, there came a day when I was able to get out of bed, walk outside, and feel something begin to change. After that miraculous day, I decided to try and make any amount of effort toward positive change. Yet this change was the furthest thing from instantaneous. It took me years to turn my life around and begin the journey in the right direction. Years of consuming any knowledge I could find on my illness, pushing myself to my limit, even if that was something so simple as ordering food for myself and learning to rebuild the bridges I had burned. It wasn't easy, but I didn't want to use that as my excuse. I wanted to get better. Fast forward to today and I'm enrolled in a college that I love, with a degree plan that I feel like I'll be able to help people with. My experience with my mental illness will allow me to form deeper connections with those that went through the same things I did because I was there at that same point. Not everyone is as lucky as I am. According to the University of Michigan, around 26% of students think about suicide to some degree. I can't say I'm not among that number. However, I can say that I took my life by the reigns, and am determined to make something of my experiences.

Something I find valuable is that I can always rely on my past self for my future self. Past me will always think of future me when he's doing something, and he's quite reliable. Even simple things like taking out the trash sooner rather than later make it easier for future me, and past me knows it. Procrastination is a hard entity to defeat, but it's easier knowing someone always has your back. But this isn't a one-way relationship, the two work in tandem making sure I never feel alone or am unsupported. Learning to trust myself took my confidence to the next level in everything I do. Not only did my skyrocketing confidence help me in ordinary tasks it also helped me introspect and discover more things about myself that past me never would have loved. In conclusion, my most valuable trait is self-trust. I love the relationships I have built with other people, they make life fulfilling; but the relationship I have with myself is one I have crafted throughout years that I won't abandon ever again.

In my nineteen years of living, I have had two police wellness checks called on me. On the third, I would've been shipped away to a mental health institution, forever sealed away from the wonderful world I never even knew existed. Depression has controlled my entire life, leading me around on a leash. Limiting my emotions to a hollow shell, until recently. There would be nights where I would look up at my ceiling in my bedroom unable to sleep for hours just wondering why was I still here? Days where I would sleep for 14+ hours because I was too tired to drift out of bed. I was tired of fighting, and feeling like I was alone. I considered suicide daily because I wanted my pain to stop at any cost. I figured the suffering caused to anyone close to me was incomparable to my own, and that it was my right to end it. I'm so, so, so glad I didn't. Only recently has my journey with my mental health culminated in anything positive and meaningful. I pushed myself to move to Lawrence for college with a couple of friends; one of the best decisions I have ever made. Ever since I moved out of my home town an explosion of color and vibrant warmth has swirled around my head. I have met people from every walk of life, and learned about their past traumas as well and how they learned to heal. A handful of stories later and I could see myself piecing together this bigger picture of life, and what it really meant to me. I had no idea what I was wasting until I understood what I could've had. So, I began to grow. I flipped my entire system of beliefs on its ugly head. I used to hate the way I would do anything, constantly fighting with myself about how I did everything wrong. My anxiety had me believe I shouldn't even attempt to try because I would just embarrass myself. I could barely even go outside. I hated everything about myself. This was the very first thing I began to change. Depression is so hard to put into words as is describing the way a soul can heal from it. Something just began to click in my mind over time that maybe, just maybe, if all these people made it out then I can too. I began to set personal goals for myself. Simple things like going to the Walmart alone, or picking my eyes up from off the ground whenever I walked. I changed the way I carried myself over time. My goals only got bigger and bigger as time went on. I went on dates, experimented with new and interesting hobbies like writing my own book and gardening. One quote I find so inspiring is "Some see a weed, some see a wish." Beauty surrounds everything, and you can always change the way you look at something to find a positive. This is what I did with my life. I have more negative experiences than I could ever describe nor could I fit them into a one thousand word essay. I wish no one had to go through the things I did, and I regret the decisions I made on some days today, but I've learned that it does get better. My personal philosophy has shifted to this: Every day you decide to waste is another day someone else spent living. The best time to live would've been yesterday, the second-best time is today.

The legacy I will leave behind is one of tearing other legacies of the past down. I know for a fact that there is an obvious stigma around mental health, specifically depression. I also know that, for a fact, depression is something everyone struggles with. From teenagers who stare up at their ceilings at night wondering "Why do I feel this way?" to adults who just feel tired all the time. I am going to change the way society perceives mental health. I want to help those that need it before they even need to ask. There's a certain stigma surrounding mental health that's existed for a long time. When I enter the field of psychology and medicine I am going to work vigorously through any channels I have available to me to show the world everyone is going through something. Someday I hope to start my own private practice and eventually grow it into something global. I will work tirelessly with other doctors, patients, and nurses to make this a reality. I'm not going to give up until the change I want to see in the world happens.