Cancer, Mental Health, and My Unrelenting Faith Throughout the college excitement, my bone marrow had failed to make the proper cells I needed to function. I began to experience tremendous fatigue, heavy menstrual cycles, and unexplained bruises on my body. My pediatrician had urgently recommended I go to the ER because my red blood cells, white blood cells, and platelets were unnaturally low. After endless extensive testing, the hematologist diagnosed me with aplastic anemia. A hematologist in Seattle relayed the plan to prolong a possible bone marrow transplant and instead provided immunosuppressant, antiviral, and antibiotic medication to stabilize me. He prescribed me immunosuppressants to encourage my bone marrow to make more red blood cells, white blood cells, and platelets. After my academic studies halted, I attended Florida Atlantic University and attained my Bachelor of Nursing in Science degree. Immediately upon graduation, I completed an internship and landed a job in Telemetry. All was well, and then one day, I woke up to a bleeding nose. Immediately I booked an appointment to see the hematologist. He told me that my red blood cells, white blood cells, and platelets had drastically decreased to dangerously low levels. A hematologist diagnosed me with Myelodysplastic Syndrome (a blood cancer) and recommended that I receive a bone marrow transplant. My entire cancer experience felt like a whirlwind. I was confined to a hospital room for one month. I received Busulfan and Fludarabine chemotherapy for three days. As an immediate side effect of the chemotherapy, I dealt with mucositis. Mucositis is a breakdown of the gums and soft tissue in the throat, thus allowing sores to be produced. My physician saw fit to prescribe me morphine for the pain. Vancomycin, an antibiotic I received, caused hearing loss in my left ear. I also received Prednisone to decrease the likelihood of Graft Versus Host Disease. Consequently, I developed osteopenia, where bones become weak and more susceptible to fracture. However, amidst all the derangement, there is a glimmer of hope. PTSD and the horridness that accompanied it provided me with an insurmountable amount of strength, confidence, and hope. It taught me the importance of persevering in my pursuit of God and finding the light that incandesces the darkness. Hence, my dreams and goals are not void. I aspire to become a Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner at Palm Beach Atlantic University. Slowly but surely, I have worked tirelessly and relentlessly to overcome my fears gradually. I learned how to create an environment of “safety,” implement self-care strategies such as grounding, deep breathing, and self-care, and challenge myself to overcome fear and elevate toward victory. I have tenaciously endured and “run the race” toward my education and living a full life (2 Timothy 4:7). I want to visualize the world as my oyster, providing limitless possibilities and opportunities. Like an eagle mounts, catching the wind, I am ready to learn how to soar into new terrain because I am convinced that “nothing will be impossible with God” (Luke 1:37).

Kaleidoscopic! Grandiloquent! Heroic! The life of my dreams resembles soaring on the wings of an eagle as Isaiah 40:31 in the Bible expresses. The life of my dreams entails helping others. Assisting them in overcoming tragedies, overcoming obstacles, and seeing a happier, healthier them. Based on my experience in life, I have witnessed many individuals live a life for themselves and not others. Amidst selfishness dissatisfaction is inevitable. However, in a life of seeking God first and then loving yourself and others, contentment is predestined. Primarily, I aspire for my dream life to be similar to Jesus's life. One of sacrificial servitude and denial of the self. When I give to others, I receive (Luke 6:38). When I seek first the kingdom of Heaven, everything else is added to me (Matthew 6:33). Nonetheless, I wish not to live my life sacrificially merely for personal gain, but more to be obedient to Jesus Christ. I desire for Jesus to mold me and shape me into becoming more like Him. Obedience is paramount in my dream life. Harriet Tubman asserted, "Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world." Similarly, my wish is for the world to be changed. My uncle once told me that I aspire to live in a perfect world. However, I know the world will never be perfect. The least I can do is allow God to use me as a catalyst for change. I want to see people healed, people who died from unjust causes to be raised again, and I want to see hope restored in hearts. My dream is not a dream of attaining materialistic commodities for glutinous indulgence but a dream to see others' lives transformed. When others transform and are filled with joy, this puts a smile on God's face. A massive transformation looks like cultures shifting toward peace, unity, and love. Loving others looks like people demonstrating patience, kindness, and fortitude with each other. When I envision Jesus, I envision love and how He healed people who were paralyzed and bleeding and even mentally restored those who were hearing voices. Why is it my dream to see others healed and whole? When others walk in healing, darkness dispels. People are no longer tormented, victimized, and abused. Crime decreases and sickness diminishes. In my dream life, crime, sickness, poverty, and greed all cease to exist. Serving others encapsulates this dream. As Jesus Christ Himself humbly stated, "Even the Son of man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." This is the epitome of a supreme dream life.

Nursing is the quintessential profession to demonstrate compassion, humility, and love toward others. As a cancer survivor, I am keenly aware of the dedication and kindness necessary to sustain a nursing professional position. As I lay weak in the hospital bed, the warriors I remember were the nurses working tirelessly to serve me with the utmost compassionate care. Consequently, God spoke to me as I resolved in my spirit: "Be a nurse." Cancer can be daunting, but tender-hearted nursing care can make all the difference. Kind-hearted nursing care nurtured and fortified me as a patient. It imbued in me the tenacity and perseverance to continue walking laps around the hospital for my physical therapy. Nursing care even motivated me to eat my meals when my chemotherapy-ridden body begged otherwise. Currently, I am choosing to pursue further graduate education as a psychiatric nurse practitioner. On a personal note, witnessing my friends and family suffering from mental health disorders motivated me to pursue this degree. Upon researching, I unearthed the appalling statistic that approximately 55% of adults suffer from some mental health disorder. Consequently, mental health patients are in dire need of compassion. Frequently, they are misjudged and marginalized. Since the terms “psycho” and “crazy” tend to float around ignorantly within the minds of the general population, one of my goals would be to bridge the gap of ignorance. And since God has given me the rare gift of compassion, I can transfer this gift in caring for and viewing these patients as He views them. Obtaining this doctorate would enable me to shine His light within the mental health field where people live in unbearable pain and darkness. Witnessing a close friend of mine suffer from bipolar disorder enlightened my perspective on the importance of mental health. Gradually, I realized how paramount sincerely caring about people who battle mental illness is. Visualizing my friend's personality change dangerously and drastically spurred a passion to assist those with mental health needs. Additionally, my life experience with depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder has taught me to be patient, kind, and loving toward others, especially those that are suffering. I recall feeling like a bird trapped in a cage, watching the endless potential on the opposite side of the cage remain at a standstill. I am cognizant of the fact that many others have experienced identical feelings to mine. I desire to bring freedom, truth and hope to them.

Nursing is the quintessential profession to demonstrate compassion, humility, and love toward others. As a cancer survivor, I am keenly aware of the dedication and kindness necessary to sustain a nursing professional position. As I lay weak in the hospital bed, the warriors I remember were the nurses working tirelessly to serve me with the utmost compassionate care. Consequently, God spoke to me as I resolved in my spirit: "Be a nurse." I chose to pursue the Doctor of Nursing Practice (Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner track) program. This program will prepare me to care for individuals suffering from mental health conditions. These settings may include crisis stabilization units, community mental health centers, outpatient and inpatient psychiatric programs, private practices, and residential treatment centers for substance use and mental health disorders. My primary role would be conducting psychiatric evaluations, medication management, and family, group, and individual therapy for adults and children (pba.edu/academics). On a personal note, witnessing my friends and family suffering from mental health disorders motivated me to pursue this degree. Upon researching, I unearthed the appalling statistic that approximately 55% of adults suffer from some mental health disorder. Furthermore, mental health patients are in dire need of compassion. Frequently, they are misjudged and marginalized. Since the terms “psycho” and “crazy” tend to float around ignorantly within the minds of the general population, one of my goals would be to bridge the gap of ignorance. And since God has given me the rare gift of compassion, I can transfer this gift in caring for and viewing these patients as He views them. Obtaining this doctorate would enable me to shine His light within the mental health field where people live in unbearable pain and darkness. Although I am just starting my graduate program, the populations I wish to serve are impoverished African Americans, women, and young adults. Contrary to what many believe, many African Americans are marginalized, oppressed, and often misrepresented. I think that being a help to individuals who lack the ability or finances to attain proper healthcare is crucial, as these individuals often are the most passionate people that can genuinely shift and shape society. As a capable student graduating from the Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner Program, I can impact my community by serving those in need of mental health services. More specifically, I can impact their community by providing healthcare services to the homeless population, abused women and children, war veterans, victims of sex trafficking, and any other individuals who lack or have over-exhausted their support systems. Ultimately, I want to serve the community and construct a healthier society.

"Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are sons born into one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them" (Psalm 127:4-5). My mother was a single mother but a strong worker. She worked tirelessly to send me to enroll me in figure skating lessons, ballet lessons, and university courses. Perseverance. That's one quality my mother instilled in me. She taught me to be relentless and tenacious. Furthermore, my mother educated me to fight for what I wanted. My mother commanded me not to be weak and to be strong. I believe that I inherited her strength and determination. Put your faith in God. My mother brought me to church for the first time and enrolled me in biblical lessons. At night, she read the Bible to me. My mother encouraged me to memorize bible verses to strengthen my faith. She also instructed me to pray about everything. Since then, Jesus Christ has been the biggest inspiration I have for living. "Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it" (Proverbs 22:6). As I ponder my future with children, I desire to continue the legacy that my mother bestowed upon me. Faith in God. Perseverance. These are two values that I aspire to instill in my children. Additionally, kindness is a value that I desire to ingrain in my children. Kindness is the essence of having compassion and love toward others. "Love is patient, love is kind" (1 Corinthians 13:4). Kindness will encourage relationships to be fruitful and open the door to envisioning the world in the fullness of its vast beauty. The fourth value I would imprint on my children would be generosity and sharing with others, especially those in need. I would encourage my children to realize how blessed and "rich" they and relay to them that they have an obligation to share with others in need. Adoption has always been a fervent passion of mine. I would hearten my children to help orphans and those who are poor. The fifth value I would confer to my children would be serving others and lending a helping hand. Serving others with joy and gratitude is paramount. We are not in a solitary world but in a world with communities. To allow communities to grow toward prosperity, I would educate my children that sacrificial community service is necessary. Overall, my mother has instilled in me faith in God, perseverance, and strength. Continuing the passage of these attributes is cardinal, as well as bestowing kindness, generosity, and servitude. Coretta Scott King eloquently quoted: "The greatness of a community is most accurately measured by the compassionate action of its members." With a community of children with virtuous values impressed upon their hearts, the world has great potential to change.

As a woman surviving cancer, I have been etched into a unique position in society. I have been blessed with a platform to bless other women who have suffered from cancer and chronic illness. In publishing on my blog, I consider myself a leader and God-given inspiration to those who are in the arduous process of being treated for cancer. I am determined to provide others with hope and shine the light of survival through the painstaking illness of cancer. Leadership has also followed me in my temporary career as a middle school educator. I desired to role model a life of integrity to the young girls I taught. In recognizing the weight and importance of my role as an educator, I strived to live my life purely for God. In church, I joined the welcome committee and humbled myself to help my pastor with any tasks that needed to be completed. I assisted my pastors in the beginning stages, as they started their church and determined to share the light of the gospel with the community. As I gleaned from their wisdom, I began to take responsibility for sharing the gospel with others around me. Additionally, I consistently circled the community and prayed for the issues in the community. In my relentless pursuit of God and service toward others in my community, I consider myself a growing spiritual leader. Impending, I hope to witness a community that fasts and seeks God in humility, as this is the only way change will be witnessed throughout my community. I desire to continue leading others in the light of Christ as I endure the humbling process. The only achievement I hope to fulfill is to love others and better the community I live in. My life is not my own but my life is one to be lived in helping and sacrificing for others. Practically speaking, I desire to mentor young women in growing and becoming future leaders, assist those in need in achieving stability in mental health, give to the homeless population, and encourage equality in the community. The utmost goal I possess is to die to my selfishness and allow Jesus to live through me so that I can be a servant to Him and others in need. I aim to serve wherever I am needed with humility and compassion. My goal is to be used as a vessel in leading others through servant leadership.

Tragically, nearly one in four women diagnosed with breast cancer suffered from PTSD (cancer.org). Even though my diagnosis was Myelodysplastic Syndrome (a blood cancer), I find that PTSD did not bypass me simply because my cancer originated in my bone marrow. My journey with mental health has been tumultuous and yet liberating. Cancer and its effects have created a diagnosis that took me a long time to come to terms with: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was in denial for years until I accepted these cryptic yet daunting words. Of course, being a woman that comes from a Caribbean immigrant household, I was taught to “suck it up” and “be strong.” As I repressed my emotions. I became a rose slowly wilting away. Unbeknownst to me, I was on the “road less traveled.” PTSD has fogged the lens through which I see life. It has created a perception that I need to walk on eggshells. Consequently, my handicaps in mental health have allowed me to see the world as a dangerous and unsafe place. The best analogy I can use to describe this would be a blue jay fluttering around in the bag of a vacuum. The vacuum symbolizes life and the feeling of entrapment that constantly pulls you back in while the blue jay represents a beautiful human being imbued with endless potential. Fear has been a category in my life that has created a myriad of consequences. Unfortunately, fear has created anything from anxiety when going to the doctor to nightmares. It has also perpetuated the belief that something bad will always happen to me, like an invisible criminal lurking behind me in the darkness. And other times, this fear feels as if I should reluctantly anticipate “the next bomb to drop.” Slowly but surely, I have worked tirelessly and relentlessly to gradually overcome such fears. Reminding myself that I’m “safe”, implementing strategies taught to me by my psychologist (such as grounding, deep breathing, and self-care), and challenging myself to deliberately put myself in frightening situations have helped me inch toward victory. My relationships have been impacted by social anxiety. In addition, I have noticed that the bitter byproduct of PTSD is that my perception of my relationships became debauched. Something as simple as a disagreement, a single word accentuated, or my father speaking to me in a denigratory tone would lead to feeling as if my mind were hijacked, incessantly running around in circles with little resolve. My heart would begin to race, and I would have an overwhelming urge to hide. Emotional oversensitivity, that accompanied PTSD would pose as a beast that lurked through my mind, constantly bringing up negative comments and slights, leading to insomnia, and hindering my ability to focus or think on more positive things. Oftentimes I would feel paralyzed, confined to a dark space for hours. PTSD, accompanied by depression and anxiety, has stunted my aspirations to further my career in nursing and rehabilitate my body toward recovery. At one point, goals seemed nonexistent. The depression cloaked me as a thick fog hovers over dawn. The aspirations that I once had as a girl ceased to exist and were reluctantly replaced by simply wishing to get out of bed and go through the day without feeling like I got hit by a bus. To this day I still struggle to comprehend the world. It seems complex, confusing, and overwhelming all at the same time. As my psychologist so eloquently explained: It’s as if I were a creature from Mars. At times, I have heard different voices in my mind, been haunted by the memories of the past, and felt bombarded by intrusive thoughts. These voices seemed to scream at me, shrilling their cry at the most inopportune times. The pain of rejection and abandonment and a swirl of confusion surround me and leave me to question my reality: Is left actually left and right really right? Are the things that seem wrong actually wrong? My dispositions about myself and God have been impacted. The fact that God will never leave me has been impugned in my mind as I have felt abandoned. However, amidst all of the derangement, there is a glimmer of hope. On a pivotal note, PTSD and the horrid that accompanied it served to provide me with an insurmountable amount of strength. It taught me the importance of persevering in my pursuit of God and finding the light that incandesces the darkness. Through many mischances, I have learned how to fight for peace amid mental torment. I have learned that trusting the Holy Spirit is crucial for my mind. I focus on the scripture that states that I have the “mind of Christ” (1 Corinthians 2:16). My goals and aspirations are now becoming a psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner, growing my baking business, and continuing to restore my body. Emotionally I have grown and learned to cultivate healthy boundaries and have unambiguous communication. My relationships are in a place aimed toward wholeness and I am electing to visualize the world as my oyster, providing limitless possibilities and opportunities. Like an eagle soars, catching the wind, I am ready to learn how to soar above my circumstances into new terrain.

Can anyone say the C__ word? Cancer. I was diagnosed when I was 23; initially diagnosed when I was 18. Needless to say, my health journey has been quite complicated and prolonged. Blood cancer is not, in the least, easiest to treat. I went from years on immunosuppressants with strange side effects, ranging from excessive body hair to elevated cholesterol levels, to 3 days of toxic yet intensive chemotherapy. Thankfully, my bone marrow donor was a 10/10 match and located California. What did this bone marrow transplant consist of? In addition to chemotherapy, I received a plethora of drugs. Antibiotics, antivirals, blood transfusions, platelet transfusions, Benadryl, and plenty of fluids. I stayed isolated in a hospital for a full month. I stayed 5 hours away from my hometown for 4 months. Gratefully, I was in remission after a year and dishcarged from treatment after 5 years. But you may ask: How did this all happen? Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, an excited fresheman on the University of Florida campus, it was evident to me that there were deep blue discolored bruises on my legs. Not to mention, the heavy menstrual cycles and extenuating fatigue. To my dismay, I came home to go to the pediatrician to recieve the Guardasil vaccine. After some bloodwork, he entered my room with a paled, worried look on his face. He said something to the effect of: "You need to go to the Emergency Room immediately..." An hour later I found myself confined to a hospital stretcher, depersonalizing from the experience and dazing into a curtain. My father walked in and burst into tears, my mother frazzled. The hematologist came in and said that they would run tests. Everything from STDs to a bone marrow biopsy. A few days later, I found out that I had aplastic anemia. From there I was stabilized on immunosuppressants, birth control, antibiotics, and antivirals. I trudged my way through nursing school, graduated, and took my first job on a Telemetry unit when I woke up to see a bloody tissue after I blew my nose. Immediately the daunting news flashed through my mind: Something is wrong. I must go to the doctor now. My platelets had dropped to below 30,000 (which is very low). My hematologist looked at me and said, "You need to see somebody smarter than me." Somebody that can confirm what we should do. From there, I traveled to Moffitt Cancer Center and saw another hematologist that took a biopsy and recommended me for a bone marrow transplant. Subsequently, within the next 3 months I was matched with my donor and began the process of the bone marrow transplant. Post-remission I forced myself into self-care practices. Prayer and meditation to God, loving myself, self-compassion, talk therapy sessions, drawing, dancing, alkaline water, gluten-free and dairy-free diets, cooking, baking, and support group meetings. I've realized that my health is a continuum and not just an isolated incident of supernatural healing, as I'd hoped to God for. My journey has consisted of PTSD, depression, incontinence, alopecia, and muscle weakness. But on the plus side, God has given me, true joy, wisdom, peace, endurance, perseverance, and boldness. And funny enough, my phobia of needles is gone. I am still blessed to be on my health journey, but every day I adjust to make my life more reliant on God, filled with peace, and less stressful. Currently, I meditate consistently, read my Bible, go to the gym 6 days of the week, cook my own meals and healthy desserts, and set healthy emotional boundaries. All in all, I know that I'm HEALED.

My name is Soraya Chinloy. My parents are Jamaican Chinese (part black, part European, and part Indian). My early childhood was melancholic. My parents weren't exactly happily married. My father smoked and my mother complained. I remember my father always wanted to give me the life of his dreams. He escaped poverty and lavished me with the best of everything that he could give. By the time I was 8 years old, my days were filled with ice skating lessons and ballet. Ballet, of course, was my favorite. I loved watching the beautiful rhythmic poised dancers elegantly glide across the room. Even though my days were busy and filled with a world of opportunity, I felt empty and unfulfilled. My life seemed vapid as it dissipated quickly. When I went to college, I encountered God. Jesus showed me the life He'd always dreamed to give me and I decided to jump in head first. He showed me that I have a call to help others and bring them great freedom. At first, I thought that was going to take place by becoming a psychologist. At 18 I was faced with a traumatic illness called Aplastic Anemia. Little did I know that heavy menstrual periods, chronic fatigue, and deep discolored bruises meant that I had a life-threatening illness. I found myself plopped on a hospital bed in the Emergency Department with questions, fears, and anxieties swirling through my head. Talk about "sensory overload." Years later, I attained my Bachelor of Science in Nursing because I felt a call to healing the sick, since I was once sick. Unfortunately, upon employment on a Telemetry unit as an RN, I had a nose bleed. This nose bleed changed my life and the subsequent years to come. My mind flashed with a daunting news alert: "There's something wrong with me! My platelets might be low again." Immediately I saw my hematologist and he relayed to me that I might be in need of a bone marrow transplant. Thus, I received a bone marrow transplant in 2013. I say all of this to say: My dream and call to help others in nursing stems from suffering from an illness. I desire to bring comfort, care, and love to those in the most dire circumstances. Needless to say, many people need love. Many are roaming feeling devoid of life and empty of love. Missionary nursing has been my dream for years. Helping those who are desititute of healthcare and resources is the passion of my heart. I also desire to build needs based healthcare facilities, bridging the gap of disparity of healthcare, and blessings people in the projects and impoverished areas in society. Ultimately, being a vessel of God's light and love in the world.

I was diagnosed with gluten sensitivity. And in addition, told to eat a diet primarily dairy-free and refined sugar-free back in 2010. As a foodie, this was quite devastating. I gradually learned to alter my lifestyle in such a way that would cater to my needs. The process was arduous, long, and tedious. I believe that stress and my unhealthier food choices may have had an effect on my health as I was diagnosed with Myelodysplastic Syndrome in 2013. Working as a Registered Nurse in a Telemetry unit, I did not make time to care for my dietary needs. At times I would go a whole 12-hour shift without eating, and barely sitting. Unfortunately, at this point, I was unable to uphold my recommended proper dietary standards. Shortly after I began working as a floor nurse I was diagnosed with cancer. From there, I realized the utmost importance of sticking to my dietary needs to the best of my ability. As I received chemotherapy and treatment for cancer, I drank fresh fruit and vegetable juice. I had confidently hoped that juicing would somehow improve my health. After my bone marrow transplant, I began working in administration and management. I made attempts to uphold some sort of equitable diet but found myself too fatigued to do so. As a result, I granted myself the grace to eat as I pleased (in moderation of course). Gradually and incrementally, I worked myself back to my dietary needs over the years following. Now, I can say that I am paramountly better at maintaining a healthier diet while maintaining "respect" and ease for myself if I do not follow my diet completely. Because of my passion for health, gained from enduring cancer, I temporarily pursued a Master's degree in Holistic Nursing. I realized how important diet and self-care were important for any nurse. In addition to nursing, I became inspired to start a food business called Garden of Vegan. The pain of depriving myself of what I wanted to eat due to food sensitivities birthed a passion to make my own food. Now, I sell pre-cooked meals that refrain from gluten and dairy. I am also on the market for a vegan, gluten-free, refined sugar-free brownie. This scholarship will help me obtain a doctorate in nursing. I believe that if awarded, I would be humbly honored to use it toward my nursing degree. Thus, becoming the ultimate and quintessential educator and promotor of physical and mental health in my field.

“For God so loved the world, that He gave his only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16). I start out with this Bible verse to say if Jesus saved the world, then I can do my part too. As cliché, as it may sound “saving the world”, is not underrated. It is a God-given inherited trait bestowed upon humanity. I have my role to play amongst humanity. And that role entails becoming a women’s health NP, thus bringing life, hope, and encouragement to this world. According to the World Health Organization, there is a global shortage of midwives and nurses, who represent more than half of this shortage (WHO 2022). Becoming a certified nurse-midwife is just one of the ways that I plan to compensate for this shortage. A nurse I emulated said that I was born to be a nurse. My first inspiration is the life of Jesus. Willingly sacrificing His life and providing healing for the widows, orphans, and diseased. My second inspiration is being a cancer survivor. Outlasting cancer has inspired me to not only, aid people out of sickness but also to spread healing into the world. Empathy is a crucial nursing skill. Clearly, there is nothing comparable to an empathic nurse that has suffered as a patient. My heart beats with the scripture: “He bore our sins in His body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By His wounds, you have been healed.” By His wounds, nurses can heal the world. Mother Teresa of Calcutta dedicated her life to caring for those who are poor and sick (biography.com 2022). A wise friend once likened me to her. I desire to sacrifice my life in helping the poor and the sick. A personal anecdote that will depict my heart in nursing was when I cared for my grandmother after she had a hernia repair surgery. My heart has always bled for my grandmother in a special way. She calls me her angel. The pain she feels I feel and vis versa. There is a special bond and love between my grandmother and I, so strong that at times we both feel each other’s emotions and think about one another simultaneously. I know that there are many sick, poor, and broken-hearted people like my grandmother. I am convinced that if my heart beats for her then it will continue to beat for many others in need. As I wrote in my Georgetown University admission essay: “My immediate goals are attaining my Master's in Nursing as a Certified Nurse Midwife, spiritually and emotionally mentoring young women (some of which are minorities and from Africa), continuing to write about emotional and spiritual wellness on my website, publishing a devotional catered toward women with cancer and disabilities, and co-planning an online school for Haitian children. My long-term goals are participating in missionary nursing (traveling worldwide to assist those who are destitute with limited healthcare), building hospitals or community care centers where those with limited access can attain sufficient medical care, thus working to make society and the world a healthier environment, educating and guiding women in impoverished areas throughout the world toward attaining proper medical care before, during, and after pregnancy, bridging the gap of disparity in healthcare, and attaining my doctorate in nursing.” All in all, I desire to see the verse fulfilled: “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world” (James 1:27).

Which word sounds better? S-U-P-E-R or C-A-N-C-E-R? Sad to say that I know the latter far too well. Fatigue, muscle weakness, incontinence, dryness, cavities, and the list goes on. So as cliché as it may seem, of course, a girl that had cancer would love superfoods. Superfoods are salubrious, potent, and robust. My all-time favorite superfood is Acai. Let’s just say, if I could die while eating an acai bowl, I would. But let’s set fantasies aside and put logic at the forefront. Logically superfoods are ideal to eat incessantly. Why? The obvious reasons are to prevent decay and promote longevity. But I eat superfoods, not only for the obvious but also for the clandestine reasons of savoring every morsel. In fact, I crave fresh celery, cucumber, kale, and apple juice. As a vegan and paleo food experimenter, I have experimented with many superfoods including but not limited to flax seeds, red bell pepper, walnuts, nut butter, avocado, chickpeas, and matcha. I have spent endless hours in the kitchen baking blueberry muffins made with almond flour, paleo banana bread, and dark chocolate brownies. I have made recipes such as Indian dahl with lentils, chia seed pancakes, overnight oats, salmon with artichokes, and pistachio avocado ice cream. Incorporating superfoods into my diet is effortless and gratifying. Eating flaky buttery salmon is a euphoric experience. The taste of it mollifying in my mouth is a celestial experience. The simple yet opulent combination of raspberries, blueberries, strawberries, and blackberries resting in a bowl with wild honey drizzled on top is quite delectable. If superfoods were a man, I’d marry him. Superfoods, like a good husband, strengthen you when you’re weak and help to elevate your mood. Superfoods are even comparable to Marvel superheroes. Such superheroes are powerful, hearty, and mighty. Not only are superfood colors vibrant, brilliant, and rainbowlike, but their tastes are earthy, rich, and wholesome. Purple kale, ruby red pomegranate, smooth avocado, and golden yellow turmeric are all foods I eat on a regular basis. Golden milk, kale salads, and fruit as snacks are just a few of the ways I find it easiest to incorporate them. All in all, I strive to attain the most optimal health I can for me through my diet. Superfoods are critical to my health, and I cannot see cancer live another day in my body. My health is far too valuable for me not to be in unity with superfoods and quite frankly, I believe that they and alkaline water have literally saved my life. From 12 years ago and into my future, I show my boundless gratitude to superfoods.

Tragically, nearly one in four women diagnosed with breast cancer suffered from PTSD (cancer.org). Even though my diagnosis was Myelodysplastic Syndrome (a blood cancer), I find that PTSD did not bypass me simply because my cancer originated in my bone marrow. My journey with mental health has been tumultuous and yet liberating. Cancer and its effects have created a diagnosis that took me a long time to come to terms with: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was in denial for years until I accepted these cryptic yet daunting words. Of course, being a woman that comes from a Caribbean immigrant household, I was taught to “suck it up” and “be strong.” As I repressed my emotions. I became a rose slowly wilting away. Unbeknownst to me, I was on the “road less traveled.” PTSD has fogged the lens through which I see life. It has created a perception that I need to walk on eggshells. Consequently, my handicaps in mental health have allowed me to see the world as a dangerous and unsafe place. The best analogy I can use to describe this would be a blue jay fluttering around in the bag of a vacuum. The vacuum symbolizes life and the feeling of entrapment that constantly pulls you back in while the blue jay represents a beautiful human being imbued with endless potential. Fear has been a category in my life that has created a myriad of consequences. Unfortunately, fear has created anything from anxiety when going to the doctor to nightmares. It has also perpetuated the belief that something bad will always happen to me, like an invisible criminal lurking behind me in the darkness. And other times, this fear feels as if I should reluctantly anticipate “the next bomb to drop.” Slowly but surely, I have worked tirelessly and relentlessly to gradually overcome such fears. Reminding myself that I’m “safe”, implementing strategies taught to me by my psychologist (such as grounding, deep breathing, and self-care), and challenging myself to deliberately put myself in frightening situations have helped me inch toward victory. My relationships have been impacted by social anxiety. In addition, I have noticed that the bitter byproduct of PTSD is that my perception of my relationships became debauched. Something as simple as a disagreement, a single word accentuated, or my father speaking to me in a denigratory tone would lead to feeling as if my mind were hijacked, incessantly running around in circles with little resolve. My heart would begin to race, and I would have an overwhelming urge to hide. Emotional oversensitivity, that accompanied PTSD would pose as a beast that lurked through my mind, constantly bringing up negative comments and slights, leading to insomnia, and hindering my ability to focus or think on more positive things. Oftentimes I would feel paralyzed, confined to a dark space for hours. PTSD, accompanied by depression and anxiety, has stunted my aspirations to further my career in nursing and rehabilitate my body toward recovery. At one point, goals seemed nonexistent. The depression cloaked me as a thick fog hovers over dawn. The aspirations that I once had as a girl ceased to exist and were reluctantly replaced by simply wishing to get out of bed and go through the day without feeling like I got hit by a bus. To this day I still struggle to comprehend the world. It seems complex, confusing, and overwhelming all at the same time. As my psychologist so eloquently explained: It’s as if I were a creature from Mars. At times, I have heard different voices in my mind, been haunted by the memories of the past, and felt bombarded by intrusive thoughts. These voices seemed to scream at me, shrilling their cry at the most inopportune times. The pain of rejection and abandonment and a swirl of confusion surround me and leave me to question my reality: Is left actually left and right really right? Are the things that seem wrong actually wrong? My dispositions about myself and God have been impacted. The fact that God will never leave me has been impugned in my mind as I have felt abandoned. However, amidst all of the derangement, there is a glimmer of hope. On a pivotal note, PTSD and the horrid that accompanied it served to provide me with an insurmountable amount of strength. It taught me the importance of persevering in my pursuit of God and finding the light that incandesces the darkness. Through many mischances, I have learned how to fight for peace amid mental torment. I have learned that trusting the Holy Spirit is crucial for my mind. I focus on the scripture that states that I have the “mind of Christ” (1 Corinthians 2:16). My goals and aspirations are now becoming a women’s health nurse practitioner, growing my baking business, and continuing to restore my body. Emotionally I have grown and learned to cultivate healthy boundaries and have unambiguous communication. My relationships are in a place aimed toward wholeness and I am electing to visualize the world as my oyster, providing limitless possibilities and opportunities. Like an eagle soars, catching the wind, I am ready to learn how to soar above my circumstances into new terrain.