From as far back as I could remember, I had always wanted to be a star. Not necessarily in cinema, or celebrity status, but in any profession I could choose. I believed that I could be great, that I could strive, and shine bright on my own through my hard work and dedication. Throughout my life, I had worked myself to the bone for my grades, leading projects on my own, and losing sleep to prove my worth. Do you know what they say about the brightest stars? They always tend to burn out.
My whole life there has always been a quiet pinch in my head, echoing back the pressure of getting into college and the debt that would pile over me. Being a second-generation American with immigrant parents added a new depth to this type of pressure, like the weight of a boot stepping on my back. I had started to spiral into anxiety and depression. The anxiety of failing, deeming all the work I had done and my parents had to get us here, worthless. Depression loomed like a shadow, the thought of me failing, and how much my self-worth depended on it engulfed me on a daily basis. I had become obsessed with proving myself, craving validation that never came. I had come to believe that I was worthless, that everything I had worked so hard for was puny and futile.
Then, one day, the echo in my head was overcome with a bright, colorful noise. A noise that told me to get up, and stay up. I had no idea where this second wind had come from. I was days deep into another depressive episode, not being able to clean my room in days, and my homework unfinished. However, I felt inspired by this noise to haul myself up from the dark hole I was in, and it wasn't easy. My bed called to me, the very thought of my bed made me want to sink into it. However, opening up about my anxiety and depression helped. I coped by leaning on those who really cared about me. Knowing that in the back of my mind, there was always someone out there to listen was comforting.
I spent a lot of time outside, in the sun. The colors were more vibrant outside and the feeling of the sun on my skin brought me mental and physical warmth. Throughout my journey, I've learned that some methods that help others may or may not work for you. You are your own person, and how you cope reflects that. It is never easy, but it gets better. You have to start by accepting that you need help.
I am back on track, working hard on achieving my dreams of going to college for Environmental Science, and hopefully Dental School after. I had always wanted to make my own pediatric dentistry practice, and have something to call my own. Hopefully, I can inspire the youth I work with to advocate for their own mental health, and accept the help people want for them.