There is this line in "enough for you" that always stuck to me in a way that I cannot explain and that somewhat relates to my early teenage years: "Now, I don't want your sympathy; I just want myself back." Of course, the meaning of this line is intended to relate to relationship problems between people, but I always saw it as different layers of meaning. Regardless of where this loss of personality was taken from, it always leads to losing yourself in the process; it could be from desperately pleasing someone for attention, committing to certain situations that you have no time for yourself, or burying yourself to connections with friends and studies. I lost myself when I couldn't see a future past graduation, so I solely relied on my friends for some kind of escape from that dreading day. Seeing that it was not working, I gave up completely, yet I did my best in my school work. Yet, I didn't want to become the "teacher's pet" that I was so used to being called, but I accepted it, because what else am I? I missed what I used to be. I wanted myself back. That's when my moment for "teenage dream" came in, when the line goes "They all say that it gets better, it gets better the more you grow... but what if I don't?" The amount of people that had told me that it will get better as I keep going and keep trying made me go insane, I didn't believe them. What exactly can they do that I have been trying to do for years? Can they help make me not scared to grow up? I was insanely terrified of reaching graduation because I couldn't even see myself past it. What therapy had helped me with is finding a meaning in my future and what I actually want in it. It had taken me a couple years but I found the passion for story telling, and I'd like to think that Rodrigo's songs led me through it by speaking my troubles through her voice. These two songs that I have a deep connection to had struck my teenage self so well, I don't know how I would've grown up to be if I hadn't let my older sister put me on "deja vu" that one sunny day, which was my first Olivia Rodrigo song.

Being raised by immigrants who had nothing when they came to a country that, at the time, was spoken highly of, has raised some expectations to their kids. To our kid-like brains, it would seem as if they didn't love us when they would yell about us having a C+ in our report card. These moments will continue to be engraved in our heads, the scars of them lead us to believe that they won't love us if we don't do enough. Even if they had gotten softer over the years, their screams and authority will keep ringing in our ears even when you're in the quietest room. My sisters and I had always understood why they were this way, though. They didn't have the kind of opportunities that we had when they were our age, and they didn't want us to take advantage of them as we grow. I see what they are intending, but is it working? Are we supposed to be this afraid of their reactions to a singular B- in their report card? Was I so scared to show my mom this failing grade- not because I didn't know what to do, but because of the feeling of letting her down? I guess I was slightly surprised of their support when they found out that I wanted to pursue storytelling in books. I had assumed that they wanted me to achieve something higher, like a lawyer or an engineer. They didn't need to understand my obsession with making these stories and the urge to release them to the world, they just wanted me to do what I love. It is hard to connect them to the people they once were in the past when they'd yell. That explains why I was afraid of what they thought when I would tell them of my career choices. Was I really that blinded by their past that I let it get in the way of what's in front of me? Should I just accept the fact that all they had done had led me to this moment? Was the journey harsh? Yes. Would I go through all of that again just to have the same dream of storytelling? Yes. Why? There are sacrifices to make when it comes to the things we love, just like my parents when they had risked everything to come to this new world, letting their dreams lead them.

I remember the day that I had found out my feelings for a friend that I had reconnected with. I also remember how scared I was as I sulked in the car seat before coming out to my older sister in text even though she was right next to me, because I was too afraid to say it out loud. It felt like the words would come out too easily and too quick if I had said something. I always relied on my phone to do the talking for me, that's probably why I've become so attached to it. Nowadays, I am still afraid, because I have seen the ways that people would bring us down by using something so simple as love against us. The challenges only grew as I got older. There was no bullying or anything of that sort in middle school, but my self-consciousness grew worse because I was so influenced by social media and the negativity within it. It ruined my relationships. I was in a state of depression, and had wished that I would one day leave this world where no one would ever again deal with my negativity. I came across this book by Adam Silvera, "They Both Die at the End". It recalls two boys who are fated to die at the end of their day, and they spent it together until their last moments. The book had not affected me too much, not until the second book of that same series. One of the main characters wants to be an author and publish his own book. The way he talked about his passion for writing hit me like a ton of bricks. “There’s something magical about my words summoning people to one space. I don’t think I’m going to live long enough to actually publish a book of my own–novel, short stories, the world’s slimmest autobiography. Anything! But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a chance tonight to tell my story to this audience.” What if I want to do that? What if this was my purpose in this world? My imagination had already been formatting story ideas without me actually thinking about publishing these stories- what if this was just the thing I needed to want to live? These people in the books know when they are going to die and live their life to the fullest. I want to do the same. I want to publish my first book. I want to win a prize. I want my characters to get the positive recognition that I have hardly received because of my sexuality, all I was seen was the "lesbian girl" who would never have anyone. If I were to die, to be reckless and not care for my life, I would prove those people right; that I do not belong in this world. I am only 18, people have made it big with these stories that they created in their mind, and I want to do that. To have the power to write down your thoughts on paper and show it to the world?- Magic.