As a young girl, I would visualize my life with my husband and kids in a house with a wrap around porch and blue shutters. I may have been a bit obsessed with a certain movie called “The Notebook”. That was certainly not the way my life would turn out. At 20 years old, I became pregnant with my first child. She was born prematurely due to my body developing severe preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome. She was the most beautiful 1 pound 11-ounce baby I had ever seen. We spent 3 months in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. When she was 2 years old, I found out that I was pregnant again. (Not by my choice.) This time with twins. I was utterly shocked and distraught. I carried my twin boys to full term. Although the circumstances of how they were conceived was not ideal, those handsome little boys still had my heart. This still came with some surprise turns. One of the twins wound up with Perthes Disease and the other twin has autism and speech apraxia. I was young and naïve. Their father would leave for days on end, no matter how hard that I tried to make it work. When he did finally come home to come off whatever drugs he had been on a bender with while he was away, he would become very angry with me. We were together for 4 years, we moved 14 times because he would waste the money to pay rent on drugs. In that time, he broke my nose four times, countless busted lips and black eyes, and he would try to kill me if I fell asleep. I would wake up with his hands around my throat, gasping for air while my babies were asleep next to me. My dream of having a love like there was in the movies faded quickly. I was terrified of being a single mother. I realized if I did not leave the cycle would repeat onto my children. I gathered all my courage and we left with only the clothes on our backs. I had to completely start over. I wound up going to a community college with some assistance for day care so I could focus on my courses. I was determined to make something of myself and give my children the best life possible. I graduated community college with honors, an associate degree in criminal justice, and a 3.8 GPA. I did it all while working 2 jobs to provide for them. They are my biggest motivators in life. I am now 31 years old going back to college for my bachelor's degree in communications. Now that I have a 10-year-old and two 8-year-old’s, they are starting to realize how dangerous my job in corrections is. They are extremely proud of what I do, but they are pushing me more than ever to go back to school and find a job that they know for sure that I will make it back home to them from. Being a domestic abuse survivor and single mother has made me stronger and more resourceful than ever. I know if I can make it through all of that I can make it through anything. Especially situations that I willingly put myself into.

I am a fake, a fraud, an imposter. At a glance, you can see my dimples cut into my face and you will notice the slight overbite in my teeth as I smile. You can hear the ringing in my laughter like it is completely genuine. That is certainly is not the case. I am not genuine; it is all for show. My brain is in turmoil constantly. At an early age, I had a toxic relationship with both of my parents, who were more concerned about keeping up appearances. We always had to seem to be the “happy family,” that we were not. According to them it was no one else’s business, what was really going on inside our home. My mom was an addict who stayed gone “working” for days on end and when she did come home there was always some unhealthy punishment, she felt like I deserved. My dad was always actually working, but when he was home, he made sure I was aware of how ungrateful I am for all he does. If you were to see us all out and about, we would appear to be a “happy family.” This caused me to struggle with depression and anxiety throughout high school. I did not have friends, my grades were awful, and my boyfriend dying my junior year, only made me spiral out of control. I was not allowed to grieve or feel those feelings of loss. I was told to “shut up” or “get over it.” Which I eventually did shut up, although I do not think that is something that I will ever be able to get over, I did learn how to move on. I wound up leaving home before I finished my senior year of high school. I wound up pregnant with my first child when I was 20 years old. While I was pregnant, the abuse started. My beautiful baby girl was born prematurely. I blamed myself for her suffering. I felt like I did not deserve to even live because my body betrayed her. My boyfriend would tell me that no one, but him could love such a terrible person like me. He broke my nose, four times, in the four years that we were together. I got pregnant again by him (not by MY choice) when my first child was two years old. It was twin boys! I was utterly terrified, but I kept up appearances. Not a soul even knew what was happening inside my home. The last year we were together, he had gotten braver and had resorted to trying to kill me. I was too scared to leave. What if he was right? What if nobody could love a depressed, anxiety riddled, terrible person like me? As I woke up, with his hands tightening around my throat and I was struggling for air, I just gave up. I stopped struggling and fighting against him. I fell into the dark abyss willingly while watching my children sleep soundly next to me. When I came out of it, I decided that I had to get out of that relationship for my children. I still did not consider getting out for myself. From that point on everything I did, I was doing for them. I sought out professional help. I was diagnosed with severe depression, severe anxiety, panic disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and borderline personality disorder. Through the years I have learned how to cope with these things and take care of my mental health. I completely cut out all the toxic people in my life and this helped me most of all. I have achieved every goal that I have set for myself because if I can go through all of that and come out, still standing then I know I can make it through anything that I willingly put myself into and come out successful. I am now in a loving marriage with six wonderful kids. I have an associate degree in criminal justice, and I am now seeking to obtain my bachelor’s degree in communications. Everything that I went through has made me stronger, more determined, and better than ever. I have learned to feel my feelings and not care what anyone thinks. I have learned that I deserve better not only for my kids, but for myself as well. For the first time in my life, when you hear that ringing in my laughter, it is truly genuine.

I became a mom to a beautiful 1 pound 11 ounce premature baby girl when I was only 20 years old. We stayed in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit for 3 months. I almost lost her three times during that stay and twice after she came home. It was an emotional rollercoaster for a really long time. Before I had her, I was not motivated to do anything to further my education or to make a better life for myself. After she arrived, although I was motivated to make a better life for her, I was unable to due to her health issues and doctor appointments. She required all of my attention and care. I was unable to work or further my education because I was under a lot of stress and not in the right mental state to do so. Right before her second birthday, I found out that I was pregnant again. This time with twin boys. I was terrified. I was able to carry the twins to term while under high risk care. Now my hands were really full with newborn twin boys and a toddler with health issues. As my little girl got older she started outgrowing more and more of her health and development issues. So when she was about to turn 4 years old and the twins were turning a year old, I decided to further my education so I could start a career that would make a better life for all of us. I also wanted so much to make them proud of me. I graduated with honors in May of 2016 with an Associate Degree in Criminal Justice, as a single mother. I immediately started a career in security/corrections. This career move had a huge impact on our lives, but not necessarily in a good way. My kids are in fact proud of me and what I do, but they are also scared and now that they are getting older, they are realizing more everyday that there is a very real possibility that I can get seriously injured or worse. Especially in this day and age where law enforcement is not treated so kindly anymore. I got married in the height of the pandemic and bought a house. We blended our families. Now I am mom to four kids, one teenager, one adult and a grandmother to a toddler. My husband and children are so supportive in everything that I do. They have been encouraging to get my Bachelor's Degree so I can have better advancement opportunities in a career that they know for certain that I will be coming home safely. After trying to get my 21 year old to go to college and preaching to my 15 year old that education is important, I realized that I need to lead by example. I am now a college junior, getting my Bachelor's in Communications. After I enrolled, so did my oldest.