When I think back on my life I can’t say that I’ve had it hard. I had a happy upbringing and have wonderful parents I can lean on. I lived in nice houses that were in nice areas and I had many opportunities. However, I’m just an optimistic person and when I think back, I think of all the happy times and ignore the bad ones. In reality, I was bullied throughout school, I’ve experienced sexual assault on three different occasions, the first time I experienced death was in the 10th grade…my first boyfriend passed away by an accidental gun shot to the head, the next person was only 2 years later to suicide, the next two people were to heroin overdose, and then my best friend, my sister from another mister, committed suicide by driving her car off a cliff on purpose, I was the last person to see her and the last person to speak to her…I was suppose to be with her that day. That hasn’t been the end. I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count the amount of loved ones I’ve lost, almost exclusively to suicide and drug overdoses. On top of all of these things, I’ve only ever experienced toxic and abusive relationships, not once feeling valued or like I was ever good enough. Never experiencing that true love us millennials saw in all the movies. Always wishing for it, always being thrown aside like a broken toy. We all have breaking points. Around 6 years ago I met mine. I no longer cared about living, I no longer wanted to feel the pain or the guilt or the hopelessness of feeling like it’ll never get better. I started drinking more than I ever had in my life and when that wasn’t enough I added in the drugs. All I cared about was numbing out the pain. It was okay though. I was still “responsible” I had my own apartment, I had big girl jobs, I paid my bills…that’s how I justified it anyways. I felt like I was so shattered that I would never be able to be put back together again, I became a ghost, I became a shell of a human being, I wanted to die. I knew I needed help and I knew that if I did not find help and take action quickly, that the alcohol and the drugs would soon give me the courage to end my life. I started to research my options. Fortunately, I found Summit Women's Recovery center and I checked myself into their outpatient recovery program. During my time in the recovery program I learned how to love myself again. I learned about trauma, I learned about why I felt the way I did, and I learned coping mechanisms to help me through tough times. I also learned to put myself first and to set boundries. Most importantly, I learned accountability. Recovery and sobriety allowed me to address my past traumas and forgive people I never thought I could, including myself. I was able to pull myself out of a very dark hole and, instead, put myself onto a new, healthy path. I couldn't see a future for myself before, but now I can see my future, and I feel worthy of it. I wouldn't be here without recovery. I am very grateful for life. More than I ever have been before. I am just over two years sober now and very proud of myself! I’m still fighting anxiety, depression, and managing ADHD. I continue to struggle greatly with relationships, however I am slowly getting better setting boundaries, standing up for myself, and walking away from people who don’t align with my beliefs and my goals. My relationships are getting healthier, which I see as a win! I believe that life is worth fighting for and creating a purpose for myself been the best way to give my life meaning. I want to lead future generations. I want to educate and help as many children as possible. First through teaching and second through foster parenting. I want to make a difference in as many lives as I can by being a relatable, trusted, compassionate, caring, open, adult that the children, that enter my care, always feel like they can come to about anything and know that I will always do whatever I can to help them, without judgment. I know first hand that the world can be cruel and unfair. I’ve been in the dark. I’ve felt the feeling of no way out. If I can be the light to even just one human being…that will be enough, that will make my existence worth it.

When I think back on my life I can’t say that I’ve had it hard. I had a happy upbringing and have wonderful parents I can lean on. I lived in nice houses that were in nice areas and I had many opportunities. However, I’m just an optimistic person and when I think back, I think of all the happy times and ignore the bad ones. In reality, I was bullied throughout school, I’ve experienced sexual assault on three different occasions, the first time I experienced death was in the 10th grade…my first boyfriend passed away by an accidental gun shot to the head, the next person was only 2 years later to suicide, the next two people were to heroin overdose, and then my best friend, my sister from another mister drove her car off a cliff on purpose, I was the last person to see her and the last person to speak to her…I was suppose to be with her that day. That hasn’t been the end. I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count the amount of loved ones I’ve lost, almost exclusively to suicide and drug overdoses. On top of all of these things, I’ve only experienced toxic and abusive relationships, not once feeling valued or like I was ever good enough. We all have breaking points. Around 6 years ago I met mine. I no longer cared about living, I no longer wanted to feel the pain or the guilt or the hopelessness of feeling like it’ll never get better. I started drinking more than I ever had in my life and when that wasn’t enough I added in the drugs. All I cared about was numbing out the pain. It was okay though. I was still “responsible” I had my own apartment, I had big girl jobs, I paid my bills…that’s how I justified it anyways. I felt like I was so shattered that I would never be able to be put back together again, I became a ghost, I became a shell of a human being, I wanted to die. I knew I needed help and I knew that if I did not find help and take action quickly, that the alcohol and the drugs would soon give me the courage to end my life. I started to research my options. Fortunately, I found Summit Women's Recovery center and I checked myself into their outpatient recovery program. During my time in the recovery program I learned how to love myself again. I learned about trauma, I learned about why I felt the way I did, and I learned coping mechanisms to help me through tough times. I also learned to put myself first and to set boundries. Most importantly, I learned accountability. Recovery and sobriety allowed me to address my past traumas and forgive people I never thought I could, including myself. I was able to pull myself out of a very dark hole and, instead, put myself onto a new, healthy path. I couldn't see a future for myself before, but now I can see my future, and I feel worthy of it. I wouldn't be here without recovery. I am very grateful for life. More than I ever have been before. I am just over two years sober now and very proud of myself! I’m still fighting anxiety, depression, and managing ADHD. I do struggle greatly with relationships, because of my past I have a difficult time trusting people and their intentions. Though I still struggle, I believe that life is worth fighting for, creating a purpose for myself is the best way to give my life meaning. The purpose I want for myself is to lead future generations. I want to educate and help as many children as possible. First through teaching and second through foster parenting. I want to make a difference in as many lives as I can by being a relatable, trusted, compassionate, caring, open, adult that the children, that enter my care, always feel like they can come to about anything and know that I will always do whatever I can to help them, without judgment.

I have a handful of hobbies, but my favorite thing to do in the whole world, is to fly down a mountain on a pair of skis. I feel free while sking, like I can do anything! When I am gliding down the side of a mountain nothing else matters other than the crisp clean air, the satisfying chill on my nose that runs down to my toes, the wind rushing through my hair, the sound of the snow crunching beneath my skis, the alpine tree lined runs, the way the sun shines on a blue bird day, and the way the whole world is silenced on a snowy day. When I'm standing at the top of the tallest peak looking over the valley and the town of wherever I am at, I feel like I can conquer anything. There is truly nothing else like it. My dad threw me on a pair of skis at the age of 3 years old, since then I have been perfecting my craft. On every ski trip he would stick me in ski lessons in the morning and then I would get to ski with him the second part of the day (which was my favorite part of the day). I can now proudly say that I can out ski my Jackson Hole dad, which is truly a feat. I'm a veryy classic by the book skier but I can probably out run you too! I go as often as I possibly can, living in the valley of Arizona makes that harder. The desert has driven me to the mountain at two points in my life. Once I moved to Bozeman, Montana, where I would ski Bridger Bowl before work every morning. The other time to Breckenridge, Colorado, where I became a ski instructor, skiing was life. If a ski bum life satisfied my urges of success I would have stayed. However, I see myself doing amazing and creative things in the beauty industry and strive to acheive greatness. I definently, at times, miss ski bum life and will continue to get to the mountain as often as I possibly can. My skis, poles, and boots wait patiently next to my front door.

My name is Shanee, I have a adorable puppy named Stevie, yes after Stevie Nicks! I like to hike, camp, and ski. I eat macaroni and cheese entirely too much and love chocolate cake more than most. I’ve been in and out of college since I graduated high school in 2011, mostly to appease my father. I never really knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I did eventually end up getting my associates degree, for what? Im not sure, I’ve never used it or needed it, it’s never helped me in any way…except for bury me in student debt. A few years ago I fell into a very dark place and have spent the last two pulling myself out of it. I got myself the help that I needed to stand on my own two feet again. Through that struggle is when I became interested in cosmetology. I chose cosmetology because the two things, other than skiing, that make me the happiest are helping others and being creative. Cosmetology allows me to do both. Career wise, I want to continue working in the salon that I'm at now (as an intern), complete their training program, on top of beauty school, and then once I receive my license build a solid clientele' there. The people I work with at Tullia have already become family to me and I have no intention of leaving them any time soon. I am happy when I'm there and feel home when I'm with my work family. Salon wise, I would like to eventually become a color specialist and be able to transform my clients into the beautiful unicorns they strive to be. I was pretty good at chemistry after all! Plus painting is one of my passions. After I get going on hair, I'd like to expand my cosmetology license by also learning permanent makeup application and microblading. Once I recieve all the proper training and certificates I'd like to open my own little studio for tattooing. This will be my true career baby. Throughout my career I want to be a voice of encouragement and a helpful hand to those struggling with self esteem and confidence issues. Being able to help others achieve a positive self image is something I strive to do. I hope that I can spread joy and confidence to my clients. I want to show people that you can pull yourself up, dust off your shoulders, and make something of yourself, no matter your past. I am not afraid to share my story and I hope that I am able to share advice and encourage as many people as I can to follow their dreams.

My main goal for the future is to be happy and healthy. After everything I have been through, I strive to feel stable and to be stable; financially, emotionally, and physically. I'd also like if if my dog would live forever! Career wise, I want to continue working in the salon that I'm at now (as an intern), complete their training program, on top of beauty school, and then once I receive my license build a solid loyal clientele' at Tullia Salon. The people I work with at Tullia have already become family to me and I have no intention of leaving them any time soon. I am happy when I'm there and feel home when I'm around my work family. One day I would like to be a color specialist and transform my clients into the beautiful unicorns they strive to be. I was pretty good at chemistry after all! Plus painting is one of my passions. After I get going on hair, I'd like to expand my cosmetology license by also learning permanent makeup application and microblading. Once I recieve all the proper training and certificates I'd like to open my own little studio for tattooing. This will be my true career baby. Throughout my career I want to be a voice of encouragement and a helpful hand to those struggling with self esteem and confidence issues. I want to show people that you can pull yourself up, dust off your shoulders, and make something of yourself, no matter your past. I am not afraid to share my addiction/recovery story and I hope that I am able to share and pass advice to as many people as I can. I want to be open and available as a helping hand to all my clients.

Mental health. Well, I can say from experience that it is very tricky to navigate. You can be feeling like you’re on top of the world and then in the blink of an eye be face down in despair. No warning or reason, just a flip of a switch and bam, done. Age 15, was the first time a person close to me passed away, my first boyfriend, Jeremy. It was an accident, there was nothing anyone could do. Age 17, my good friend, Dimitri. Who unknown to me, was struggling with severe depression and took his own life. This was the first time I dealt with suicide. Age 18, my first love, Matt, passed away from a heroin overdose. Age 20, a good friend, Tyler, passed away from a heroin overdose. Age 23, my best friend, in the whole world, Esrah, unknown to me was struggling with severe depression, she never told me. I leaned on her, she was my rock. She took her own life, on a day I was supposed to be with her. I was the last person to see her and to speak to her, I had no idea. Age 26, my brother from another mother, Bob, passed away from a heart attack. Age 27, a high school boyfriend, Luke, took his own life. Age 28, a good friend, Eric, overdosed and then a week later, my most recent ex, Jeffrey, passed away from heart failure. Age 23, I no longer had control of my emotions, but I did not understand how to feel normal…happy. As a result, I started to drink in order not to feel anything at all. I kept it together, but I wasn’t healthy. You see, I blamed myself for Esrah’s death. I blamed myself for not seeing her despair, I was her best friend, I should have known. This started a cycle, I started blaming myself for not keeping in contact with the people I had lost before they passed, I blamed myself for not reaching out and helping them when they began using heroin…I alienated them instead. I blamed myself for not seeing or knowing how to help any of them. I blamed myself as if there was something I could have done. The guilt and the grief that I felt affected me in all areas of my life. It mainly showcased in my dating life. I became too scared to let anyone get too close to me, but I also was terrified of letting anyone go, of losing them. My fear of losing a person got in the way of any sort of real relationship, that fear completely inhibited me of making any sort of rational choices. As a result I part took in many toxic relationships, I allowed people to take advantage of me, I allowed people to treat me poorly, and I put myself in very unhealthy situations. Some of my poor decisions lead to multiple traumatic events that left me defining myself as completely worthless. Age 25, I’m riddled with guilt, absolutely no self worth, feeling completely alone, not an ounce of real happiness. I’m binge drinking on my days off. I have a DUI. I start using cocaine, because I need to be able to drink more, in order to cover up the pain. Age 26, I find myself swirling down the bowl of addiction, going 90 on an ice covered road, with my eyes closed, hoping to die. I finally understood Esrah’s choice. I knew at that point that I needed help. Real help. Age 26, I checked myself into recovery. I got sober, I addressed my grief, I addressed my trauma, I addressed my self worth. I learned to love myself again. I was able to properly address what was happening in my brain. Without professional help I would have continued to drown. Age 28, sober, making choices that have my own happiness in the fore front, forgiving myself every day for past mistakes, setting boundaries, and practicing self care. I am now back in school and on a career path that leads into the cosmetology world. I’m excited to be able to use my artistic talents on a day to day basis to bring joy to others, whilst also having the flexibility to venture out on some of my other aspirations. One day, I hope to have a beautiful family of my own. I hope to have a thriving cosmetology career in which I have many loyal customers that also become my good friends. I strive to advocate natural beauty and to bring others happiness by helping them grow their self confidence. I hope that I can share my story and inspire people to be their best self. Sober, awake, and beautiful. I will keep taking steps to reach my one day, but for now I stick to one day at a time. Despite being sober and seemingly on a path of happiness. It is still a constant battle to stay in the light and out of the darkness. Recovery gave me the tools and the lessons to stay on top of the water, but that doesn’t mean it’s always easy. There is no cure all to depression or anxiety, it’s always there, nagging at you. I was fortunate enough to have the resources to pull myself up, but not everyone does. Which is why I think it is extremely important that everyone, no matter what, has access to the appropriate resources to get professional help. It is so important that sad shaming and downplaying people’s pain and emotions stops. We need to make sure that every child and every adult knows that their pain is validated and that there is hope and help out there for them. Take a small step today and vow to show kindness to as many people as you can. The smallest gesture of love can save a life. Check on your strong friends.

Addiction and Recovery have shaped who I am today. A few years ago I found myself in a very dark hole, I had too many people I cared about pass away, more than one traumatizing event occur, and an excessive amount of failed relationships. These experiences left me with a lot of guilt, sadness, and no self worth. I felt like I was so shattered that I would never be able to be put back together again. All I cared about was not feeling, so I drank every night until I didn't feel anything anymore. I was terrified of what would happen if I didn't numb it away. I was terrified to be alone. I was terrified to face reality. I let my life fall apart and I became someone I didn't recognize. I didn't see any way out on my own. I knew I needed help. Fortunately, I found Summit Women's Recovery center and I checked myself into their outpatient program. During my time in the recovery program I learned how to love myself again. I learned about trauma, I learned about why I felt the way I did, and I learned coping mechanisms to help me through tough times. I also learned to put myself first and to set boundries. Most importantly, I learned accountability. Recovery and sobriety allowed me to address my past traumas and forgive people I never thought I could, including myself. I was able to pull myself out of that dark hole and, instead, put myself onto a new, healthy path. I couldn't see a future for myself before, but now I can see my future and I feel worthy of it. I wouldn't be here without recovery. I am very grateful for life. More than I ever have been before.

I believe the biggest problem facing our world has always been segregation between races, nationalities, genders, and sexual orientation. We are all human, and until we start treating each other equally we will always face unecessary violences. I believe that in order for true equality to become a reality, there needs to be a shift in core beliefs. However, even just beginning to break the cycle of predjudice would take many angles of approach. Starting with mandatory programs throughout grade school and college that teach acceptance, empathy, and ways to practice embracing diversity and individuality. Being different needs to be taught as a normal thing. We need to be teaching our children that all lives carry value, that everyone is entitled to their own personal preference without judgement. That another person's life choices belong to them, it is their right to make those choices, judement free. Our children need to know that we are all the same no matter what color our skin is, where we are from, what style we choose for ourselves, or who we chose to love. Next, religion truly needs to become completely seperate from government and education. Religion is a choice and should never be a part of an organization that represents a diverse population. Another huge change, that I believe would make a big difference, is eliminating female and male sections, in stores, as well as "petite" and "plus size". We don't need sections, people should be able to go into a store and not feel limited to one section. All items are for anyone and should be available in all sizes. There are many more things I could think of, but for now spreading love and acceptance wherever you go as often as possible is the best way to start making this change.

Two years ago I pulled myself out of very dark time by checking myself into recovery for excessive alcohol usage. During this dark time I never put myself first and I let other people treat me poorly, because I thought I deserved it. My recovery process taught me the true importance of self care. I’ve learned that making time for myself is necessary, whether it’s something small or large. I’ve learned that it’s okay to say no to things and to people that take away from my happiness. I’ve learned that I don’t need to accept negative behavior from people and that I do not deserve to be treated poorly. Most importantly I learned to put myself first and to make sure that my decisions are supporting my happiness. One of the biggest changes I made was adding a morning routine to my schedule. A morning routine is one of the best ways to incorporate self care and to ensure a successful day. I personally wake up, have a glass of water, brush my teeth, complete my skincare routine, then I make myself a healthy breakfast and a cup of tea. While I eat I’ll listen to either NPR or a TedTalk and I’ll write an entry in my journal. Every once in awhile if I have time I’ll complete a yoga or stretching routine. Then I’ll get dressed and take my dog for a walk. I head to school or work after. This routine has made such a huge difference in the way that I feel and allows me to focus on only myself and my needs, even if it’s just for the morning. The mornings I don’t complete this whole routine I definitely feel different and less energized.