Over the years, I have endured what at first I have seen as my enemy, but now I have embraced it: Being Alone. Up until now, it's difficult for me to socialize with others, and when I can, it's not for a long time. I have Autism, so my ability to communicate properly has been an issue for a long time. A studder from the reduced ability to formulate thoughts into words by mouth. High school is another thing I have to face: I have to face others communicating like it's nothing, while I just walk in silence, with only my thoughts to walk with. When others talk too loudly and I'm in a closed room, it's already painful enough as I only hear thousands of incoherent voices. When I also have to think about having to complete assignments, the things I need to do in extracurriculars like Band, Choir, Theater, NHS, 4-H, the Red Cross... I just shut down. I force my eyes shut, cover my ears, and dive down a bottomless rabbit hole, praying for the voices to stop torturing me, and leave me alone with just the ambiance of a quiet world. This has occurred a handful of times, of now I try to escape before the shutdown happens. As I write this, I am still silent in a lit room of a college in Southern Minnesota during a 4-H event. Facing being alone once more. After a while, I just go into my thoughts, and it's easy to formulate how I feel. It's easier to simply write it down into this essay. I'm okay now, though I keep longing for someone who feels the same way that I do. Someone so I know that I'm not the only one who has to face the world for what it is. Until then, I let my thoughts fill the void, and sometimes I talk to myself. I shouldn't be worried about timelines, because I should enjoy the journey to accomplishing a task now and onwards. As long as the objective is accomplished, I'm okay with it. I had thought about what to do after high school. I've had thought about technology, so I thought about Electrical and Computer Engineering. From last year until now, I realized that the world is changing, and maybe not in the way that I had hoped for. A revelation hit me. I shouldn't go into engineering. I want to guide others, especially younger people on a right track towards success. I want to do my best to insure that people understand how others must be treated: with dignity and respect. I'm considering Special Education; Gender, Women, and Sexuality Studies; Psychology; and Family Social Science as majors in college. I intend to become a teacher. I've been through the Special Education system as a child and still am now. I find how the job works to be an intrest that fits me best. Maybe starting off as a paraprofessional and work my way up. GWSS, I could do that as well to be a social studies teacher alongside Special Ed. I want to understand the human experience from those who have been marginalized. I intend to make positive changes in others and to leave my mark on the world. I'm also thinking of FSOS as another way of further understanding how people function socially, and Psychology to better understand how that works in the context of the mind and behavior. My goal is to make sure others don't have to endure the experience that I feel now; to give them hope and unwavering support.

Why do I love math? I guess a reason why is because some formulas in things like Algebra or Precalculus are satisfying to do. I don't know why it's satisfying, but it just is. Sometimes, easy math can be satisfying if you figure it out, especially to get your mind off of things. Long division or synthetic division can be a weird mystery at first, but when you get used to it is when it the happiness kicks in. Sometimes, if you haven't went back to a formula, it can be a little bit of a problem getting back into; when you do, the feeling of understanding it once more is unexplainable. I remember one time, I had to relearn how to divide on paper for a test. It didn't feel good at first, but now I'm glad I got to understand it again. Another reason why I love math is mainly my math teacher, who explains it with a little comical sense added. Sure, nowadays Precalculus is not my forte, but it's an adventure to get to understand. In conclusion, mathematics to me are satisfying to get into because of the road to get to it, even if some paths towards a solution are not as satisfying and confusing.

I have Autism and maybe ADHD (I was medicated back in elementary school, but since then it's been a bit better without it). I have a lot of support from staff, my Case Manager, and my friends. I work with my school's Speech pathologist for years, talking about life and other things; on thinking of my words before I say them. I have minimal issues with speech nowadays, but only in situations with high stress do I have those problems. A first thing I have is a slight problem with speech, especially unprepared/unthought of speech, is when you are doing speeches or interviews. In my Speech class of Sophomore year, it's a little difficult to get the right words out, or saying the right words half the time. In an interview for 4-H State Ambassador, I tend to stutter more often than I thought. In my College Cultural Geography class, I was talking about Scientology, and it took me two to three minutes just to talk about the fundamental lore behind what Scientologists believe in. Another thing is it's usually difficult to see sarcasm or jokes aimed towards me. It usually depends on the person, the context in their responses. Sometimes I don't take it well, sometimes I understand. A third thing is fixations. Some things like Radio (especially Amateur Radio) excite me so much. I like to learn more about it, but when I try to mention it to others in my world, they seem uninterested or bored, and this is with the aforementioned speech issues. When I was a kid, I tend to see that, so I keep my interests to myself. I tend to adapt to more common interests like Music and Theater. Somehow, I don't have a speech problem at all; you just practice over and over until you get the line right. A fourth thing being a favorite thing or a preference: I usually don't have. I tend to look at the bigger picture rather than declaring that what it is I stand with. Over time, I notice that I have a growing preference for music based off what music I'm doing; in this case, Choir, Theater, Madrigal, and Acapella music. I like Pentatonix for them literally being the instruments, and their songs are simply beautiful. A last thing is I don't have a grudge against anyone at first. How people behave towards me and other people through time is an answer, and sometimes it's not a description put into words; just something you know. I find them as potential friends, or people I may meet again at some point. If some people give a negative light and affects me negatively, all I do is stay neutral and try to disregard them. I can see those put under my wing as potentials for something greater. I don't care who they are, but what I can see is how they live and how they succeed. I have had the itch to help others my whole life, and I don't want to give that up. I want to be the one to understand others, and to struggle with them. Ultimately, I have considered some majors for college like Computer Engineering, but my passion is in understanding and support. I would like to do majors that I understand, like Gender, Women, and Sexuality Studies or Special Education. Maybe I can do both, but what I want to do is to make a positive difference on others, and hopefully leave a positive and long-lasting mark on the world I love.