In the summer of 2012, I had my heart broken. Again. I had already suffered through years of narcissistic abuse that left me feeling unworthy of love so when the next heartbreak came along, I was shattered. I had reached a breaking point and I spiraled into a pit of hopelessness. I did not know how to put my complicated feelings into words at the time, so I did not even bothering trying. My dad did not know why I was crying, but he tried his best to comfort me. At one point while my dad was talking to me, he made me laugh. When our laughter subsided, his voice grew soft and he said, “It doesn’t matter what you go through in life, if you can still laugh then you know you’re going to be okay.” These words have been with me ever since. When he passed away from cancer on December 30, 2014, I was devastated. In my grief-stricken state, I remembered these words and so every day I tried to find something to laugh about. My dad and I were constantly joking about something so, thankfully, I had a deep well of funny memories to draw from. I am so grateful that my dad shared this bit of wisdom with me. I have since applied these words to my life more times than I can count. Through further heartbreaks, mental health struggles, and yet another narcissistic abusive relationship, my dad’s wisdom has sustained me. If I can manage to find something to laugh about then it gives me a little hope, and it helps me realize that I have the strength to get through whatever I am facing at the moment. I make a point to share these words with others, and to make those around me laugh as well, because laughter really does help bring hope and healing to the soul. Thank you for teaching me that, Pops. “It doesn’t matter what you go through in life, if you can still laugh then you know you’re going to be okay.” - Paul Bean (1962-2014)

One subject that I am incredibly passionate about is helping the homeless people in my community, and encouraging others to do the same as well. There are so many things that we can all do to help those who are less fortunate. Ways we can help the homeless include, but are not limited to, giving cash, making blessing bags filled with necessities, donating coats and blankets, volunteering at homeless shelters or soup kitchens, and knitting or crocheting scarves, hats, and gloves. My personal favorite is blessing bags. Blessing bags can be a ziplock bag filled with a variety of items such as a bottle of water, packaged non-perishable food, a pack of tissues, band-aids, antibiotic ointment, a rain poncho, a comb, bar soap, a toothbrush, toothpaste, hand sanitizer, deodorant, socks, chapstick, a small Bible, an encouraging note, and even a deck of cards. Blessing bags can also be made using a tote bag or backpack and filled with the full-sized versions of those items plus a coat, a blanket, or even a sleeping bag. You can even put together full bags of groceries or smaller versions containing a sandwich, a bag of chips, a chocolate bar, and a bottle of water. There are so many options for blessing bags that can fit a variety of budgets. They are easy to put together and can be passed out when you drive by a street corner where someone is in need of help. I love hearing stories about families that volunteer at soup kitchens during the holidays in order to help others and to teach their children about the importance of helping those who are less fortunate. I feel like children who are taught these things at a young age are likely to continue doing charitable work as they get older. Another personal favorite is knitting or crocheting scarves, hats, and gloves and leaving them in the trees of parks during the colder months for homeless people to find. You can attach a note letting the person who finds the article of clothing know that it is okay to take it if they need it. I feel like acts of kindness like these are especially sweet because the giver will not likely meet the recipient and receive any thanks or acknowledgment, making it a truly selfless gesture. Another great way to help is to donate gently used items to second-hand stores. Donating items to second-hand stores is a wonderful way to help people who may not necessarily be homeless but are low-income and cannot afford to buy household items in new condition. Kitchenware, home decor items, furniture, appliances, clothes, shoes, and books are all useful items that can be donated to Goodwill or The Salvation Army. Donating items like these allows people who are struggling or trying to get back on their feet to purchase these items at a reduced cost so that they can rebuild or enhance their lives. Some people say that homeless people are not really homeless and are just trying to “scam others”. Yes, there are people out there that try to take advantage of the kindness of others, but I do not believe that these people represent the homeless community as a whole. Additionally, some people argue that homelessness is a “choice” or that they “brought their circumstances on themselves”, and I have to disagree. There are many reasons why people become homeless, and I try to encourage people to step into the shoes of another person. Some people become homeless because of mental health issues that prohibit them from being able to keep a job. A person suffering from bipolar disorder or depression may have trouble with their work attendance or performance which eventually results in the termination of their employment. Some homeless people are war veterans that are suffering from PTSD and depression. These conditions may negatively affect their work performance and make it difficult to keep a job. These conditions may also lead to a dependency on drugs and alcohol in order to cope with their suffering. Only war veterans can truly understand the magnitude of suffering that inflicts other war veterans. We, as citizens, should never judge something we are privileged to never understand on a personal level. Some homeless people are suffering from drug and alcohol addiction. Only those who have suffered from this disease can understand just how difficult it is to recover. If it was easy to “just quit” obviously more people would do it, but is it not that simple. Most people turn to drugs and alcohol as a way of coping with severe trauma or grief, and others may have grown up in a toxic environment where this was more or less normal. Second and third generation users of drugs/alcohol may have an even more difficult time recovering because that life may be all that they know, and their addiction may have started at a young age. Again, we should never judge circumstances that we are privileged to not personally understand. These are just a few of the reasons for homelessness. Other reasons include, but are not limited to, the lack of jobs that pay a living wage, economic hardships, fleeing abusive relationships, domestic violence, physical handicaps and other disabilities. More often than not, there are a combination of these reasons. I try to spread awareness about these issues, and teach people that there is always more to someone’s personal situation than meets the eye. Imagine how much better our country and even the world would be if every day we all looked for ways to be the answer to someone’s prayer. I encourage everyone to do at least one small act of kindness a day. The world is always in need of more kindness, and there are always opportunities to help someone in need. However one may choose to serve, we should all strive to make a positive difference in the lives of others and to leave the world a little bit better than it was before.

My long-term goals include earning my Bachelor of Science in Psychology and then my Master of Science in Counseling in order to become a child therapist. I have always had a heart for children, and my dream is to be able to offer hope, healing, and guidance through therapy for them someday. It will take many years of schooling before I have the necessary qualifications to become a therapist so until I have the privilege of offering therapy to children, I try to find other ways to help those in my community and I encourage others to do the same as well. One thing that most people are capable of doing is helping the homeless. Whether it is giving whatever cash your personal financial circumstances will allow or making blessing bags containing necessities, there is something we can all do to help those who are less fortunate. Blessing bags can be a ziplock bag filled with items like a bottle of water, packaged non-perishable food, bus fare, a pack of tissues, bandaids and antibiotic ointment, hand warmers, gloves, a rain poncho, a comb, a bar of soap, toothbrush and toothpaste, hand sanitizer, deodorant, socks, chapstick, a small Bible, an encouraging note, and even a deck of cards. Blessing bags can also be made using a tote bag or a backpack and filled with the full-sized versions of those items, plus a blanket or even a sleeping bag. You can even put together full bags of groceries or smaller versions containing a sandwich, chips, a chocolate bar, and a bottle of water. There are so many options for blessing bags that can fit a variety of budgets, and in most cities you usually do not have to drive far before you find someone on a street corner that is in need of help. I often hear about how homeless people “choose” to be homeless or are scamming people. Yes, there are people that try to take advantage of the kindness of others, but I do not believe that they represent the entire homeless community. The majority of homeless people are legitimately homeless and in need of assistance. There are many issues that lead to homelessness including, but not limited to, mental health issues that affect their ability to keep a job, drug and alcohol addiction, PTSD from combat, jobs that do not pay a livable wage, and disabilities. I personally know someone who works forty hours a week plus overtime but due to their hourly wage being so low and the cost of living being so high, they still cannot afford to live on their own. They do not have family willing to help and if it were not for having friends being able and willing to give them a place to stay, they might very well be homeless. I could contend all day how homelessness is a very real and legitimate problem and not necessarily something a person “chose”. The point I try to get across to people is that they need assistance and we can all do something to help. Mother Teresa said, “We cannot all do great things, but we can do small things with great love.” Giving a homeless person money, a meal, a blanket, or simply a cold bottle of water will not solve all of their problems, but it can help them with their current needs and give them the hope they need to make it through one more day. What may seem small and inconsequential to us, may mean everything to someone who is struggling. This subject is one that I am incredibly passionate about, and I try to encourage others to give in any ways that they can. Even the smallest gesture can be the biggest encouragement to someone who is in need and feeling hopeless. The ability to help others is an enormous privilege, and the joy of seeing someone’s face light up at the help you can offer is truly unparalleled. My primary goals in life are to become as close to Jesus on this side of Heaven as possible, and to help those around me in any way that I can. We should all find ways every day to be someone’s answer to prayer; we should all find ways to be the hands and feet of Jesus. “And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, whatever you did for the least of these brothers or sisters of Mine, you did for Me.’” (Matthew 25:40)

In 2017, I took a significant step towards a controversial decision. I went to my OB/GYN and asked her if she would be willing to perform a sterilization procedure on me. I had decided a year and a half prior that I did not want to have my own children. There are so many children in foster care that need a safe place to stay while their home situation is being worked out, so I decided that I would become a foster parent someday instead. My doctor understandably had reservations about doing this type of surgery on me given the fact that I was still so young. So she made a deal with me; the deal was that I wear an IUD for three years and if at the end of the three years I still wanted the procedure, then she would do it. I readily agreed. I understood her standpoint, and I was just so thankful that someone was willing to do it eventually. Three years passed, and my mind was still made up. Thankfully, my doctor had no reservations about it and instead was enthusiastic about doing the operation. My bilateral salpingectomy was scheduled for the following month but because of elective surgeries being canceled due to the pandemic, it was postponed. Fortunately, I only had to wait an additional three months. After the surgery, an unexpected feeling came over me. It was not regret or doubt or sadness, it was empowerment. Here I was 29 years old, and I got to make this huge decision about my own body. I was not forced to wait until I was married or until I was well into my forties; I got to make this decision as a single twenty-something-year-old. In the years leading up to my surgery, I had read countless stories about women with severe health problems who needed a surgery of this type in order to alleviate their pain, but were denied because they did not have children. Some women already had children, but were told that they “might want more later”. Some women were told they needed their husband’s permission. Some women did not even have a boyfriend, but were told that they needed to wait until they got married so that they could ask for their future husband’s permission. I read about so many women who had doctors that were deciding what was best for a soul that did not belong to them. These women were not asked to hold off on surgery for a few years just to be sure, they were told no entirely. Unfortunately, that is not all that is wrong. So many women need birth control in order to manage issues regarding menstruation and endometriosis; however, these same women are shamed for needing birth control even when it is not being used for the purpose of preventing pregnancy. Even if it is used for that purpose, it is ridiculous to shame a woman for being responsible. Having better access to birth control, surgeries, and preventative healthcare and making that normal would be a huge step towards female empowerment. Yes, there are financial kinks to work out in order to make these things more accessible, but first women need to be given the power to decide. However, something that costs zero dollars is being a kind and compassionate human being, and not shaming women for choosing to not have children or for using birth control. Everyone has the power to decide whether to uplift or tear down others. We should all choose daily to empower women and others around us with love.

In addition to building things with his hands, the thing my dad loved doing the most was laughing and making others laugh. We were constantly making jokes about something. To my mom’s annoyance, it was impossible for us to watch most movies without making at least a dozen jokes. To this day, I have never met someone who could laugh at themself like my dad could. Without fail, I could bring up some embarrassing story about him from years ago, and my dad would laugh at the story like it was the first time he had ever heard it. Back in 2008, my dad drove me and my family about four hours to my great uncle’s funeral. Before we left, we dressed in our funeral clothes so that we would be all ready when we arrived...but poor dad forgot to change into his dress shoes once we got there. Since he had been the driver, he chose to wear some comfortable shoes for the drive down to Texas, but he forgot to change into his black dress shoes before we walked into the church. So there he was talking to family members in the foyer and walking around in his nice funeral clothes with the brightest pair of white sneakers you have ever seen. Somehow, we did not realize the blunder until about halfway through the funeral. I loved retelling that story to him, because he would always laugh like it was the funniest thing he had ever heard. He had the best laugh. On October 5, 2014, I took my dad to the emergency room because the back pain he had been experiencing for several months eventually got to the point where it was excruciating. What we were told by his primary care physician was a herniated disc, ended up being a tumor that was eating away at his spine. At the time of the tumor’s discovery, only 20% of his L1 vertebrate was left. He was admitted to the hospital immediately, and within a few days had surgery to remove the tumor and replace his L1 vertebrae with a metal cage. After the surgery, we discovered that due to the muscles and nerves that had to be disturbed in order to reach the infected area, his leg muscles were severely weakened and he would need physical therapy to regain his strength and ability to walk. When we thought the worst of it had passed, it ended up just being the beginning. Further tests would show that he had cancer throughout his body. A few weeks later, we found out that his stage 4 cancer was terminal because they could not find the origin. Since they could not find where the cancer originated they did not know what type of cancer he actually had, and so they could not treat it effectively. Still hoping against hope, we tried chemotherapy and radiation anyway—both of which made him incredibly sick. As my dad continued his physical therapy, he was eventually able to walk around with a cane; however, he still needed a wheelchair for longer distances. He never fully regained his ability to walk without assistance. My dad passed away on December 30, 2014, less than three months after his diagnosis. His battle with cancer may have been short, but it was filled with chemotherapy, radiation, three surgeries, physical therapy, a very difficult recovery, and a lot of pain. Through it all, my dad still maintained his positivity. He never let go of his faith in God, and we always found something to laugh about together. The strength my dad showed in his last battle still inspires me all these years later. Even terminal cancer could not shake his faith. Some people might say, “Well, where was God? What difference did his faith make if he wasn’t healed?” But I knew my dad and I could see in his eyes that he was ready; he was ready for Heaven, his real home. He had been through so much in his 52 years on Earth, and I could tell that he was tired and ready for eternal peace. My dad and his positive spirit found the bright side even when faced with cancer. I cannot put into words how incredibly difficult his death was for me; but I always remembered what he taught me about laughter, and whenever I am faced with a difficult circumstance I always try to find something to laugh about. Even though I wish my dad was still with me, I know that having experienced losing him to cancer will add just another layer of empathy that I can extend to my clients when I become a therapist. I feel like having gone through this type of experience myself, I will be able to guide them through their grief in a way that I may not have been able to otherwise. Through my dad’s example, I learned so much about spreading joy and staying positive. Laughter is something I actively share with others, and making others laugh is my favorite thing, just like it was my dad’s. I try to carry on his positive spirit and spread that joy to others; and when laughter is scarce and positivity is in short supply, I try to be a shoulder to lean on. Everyone we meet is fighting their own battle, and the least we can all do is be there for each other for support. I will always be grateful for what my dad taught me in the 24 years that I had him. Laughter, positivity, and trusting God are what propels me forward each day. I feel like as long as I hold on to these lessons that my dad taught me, then he is never really gone. “It doesn’t matter what you go through in life, if you can still laugh then you know you’re gonna be okay.” - Paul Bean (1962-2014)

My dream is to earn my Master of Science in Counseling degree and to become a child therapist. I have always had a heart for children, and it would mean absolutely everything to me for my life’s work to be helping them. I truly feel like everything I have been through in my life has been for this purpose. My past trauma, my mental health struggles, and the long road to healing has paved the way toward my calling. It has not been easy getting to this point but my mental health is now the best it has ever been, and I feel like it is time to give back. When I think about how I can use my painful experiences to help bring compassion, understanding, and healing to others I marvel at how beauty really can come from ashes. The cost to earn my Bachelor of Science in Psychology degree is approximately $54,886. The cost to earn my Master of Science in Counseling degree will be an estimate of $40,000. At times, these figures overwhelm me but when I remember what my goal is I know that it will all be worth it in the end. You cannot put a price tag on helping others. My hope is that with financial aid, scholarships, and a lot of hard work I can make my dream of becoming a therapist a reality. It may be easier to just give up on this whole endeavor and to try to find another way to make a difference, but giving up is for quitters and I refuse to be a quitter. I honestly do not think that I could give this up if I tried; once I realized what my calling was, there was no way that I could just let it go and walk away. The road ahead may not be easy, but most things in life worth having rarely are.

In April 2020, I was furloughed from my retail job because of the pandemic. This ending up being a blessing in disguise, as it gave me much time to think and to self-reflect. It was during the pandemic that I made the decision to go to school to become a therapist. I had been having mental health episodes for many years at that point, and in 2020, with the help of God and therapy, I made significant progress in overcoming my PTSD. I knew at that point that I needed to help others to do the same. Because of the pandemic, I was forced to take time off of work, and during that time I was able to better focus on my mental health and address issues that had been plaguing me for far too long. I am very thankful that what had the potential to be a negative situation ultimately led to me discovering my calling.

One hard truth about life is that we are not in control. Despite the many choices we make during our day-to-day life such as where to eat or what clothes to wear, any semblance of control is an illusion. But imagine how much truer this is for children. Children have zero control over most of what occurs in their young lives; they cannot control whether their parents get divorced, or if they have to change schools, or if they are in a toxic environment. Children are truly at the mercy of the world and their caregivers’ choices. Adults often look a child’s hardships and think: “Well, I went through worse and I turned out fine.” or “They’ll be okay. Kids are resilient.” While there may be some truth to these statements, one thing is indisputable: children need support. Children need love, acceptance, and validation. They need to feel heard and to have their self-esteem built up. The more we love and nurture children, the less likely they are to turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms as they get older such as drug and alcohol abuse or toxic relationships. Children are new to life, so what may seem trivial to an adult may seem virtually insurmountable to a child. And then you have children that are going through circumstances that would be devastating to anyone, such as sexual abuse. As a child therapist, I would want to give children a safe place—a place where they feel heard. I want to give them the tools they need to not just get through their adolescent years, but tools they can use as adults as well. I want to help build their self-esteem, identify healthy coping mechanisms and outlets, and help them to voice their feelings. If I child expresses their love for sports or an art, then that must be nurtured. Hobbies and passions can be incredibly therapeutic for anyone, and encouraging children to continue a healthy hobby that brings them joy is a valuable asset to have in their life. A child may become spoiled by receiving too many gifts or by not having the necessary amount of discipline and structure in their life, but it is impossible to spoil a child with love. Only good things can come from making children feel loved, safe, and cared for. “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” - Fredrick Douglass That quote sums up the essence of what I want to accomplish. I want to help heal children so that they can grow up to be well-adjusted adults, live fuller lives, and impact the world in a more positive way. Unfortunately, therapy is notorious for being expensive. The high cost of therapy is often a deterrent for parents who might otherwise consider it for their child. Once I become a therapist, I do not want to turn away anyone who is unable to pay. I want to offer therapy that is income-based and adjusted to what is financially realistic for each family. My end goal in all of this is to be a safe haven for children; the safe haven I desperately needed during my childhood. If I can make a difference in the life of just one child then everything I went through as a child, and all the effort I made to put myself through school to become a therapist would have been worth it.