Normally people talk about grief and loss and then turn to the teenagers in the room and say, “You’ll know what that feels like someday when you’re older.” However, that is not my story. Grief crashed into my life when I was only 11 years old. My sister passed away when she was three years old. She had a rare neurological condition that caused her heart to stop beating in her sleep. We woke up that morning to a whole new world of pain and heartbreak. Thankfully, the grace of Jesus gave me the faith to endure. He whispered into my sorrow that He was good and sovereign and that He had a purpose. He used that tragic loss to draw me closer to Himself. But that was not the end of the grief in my life. My family has also been a foster family for almost my entire life. That is an incredible privilege but also a road that requires much grief and loss. Words can’t quite describe the heartbreak of losing a baby who has been your sister for years. Is it even possible to pack two and a half years of life into a van on a moment's notice? How can you cope with constantly living with unknowns because you drop a child off and never see them again? This story has played out in my life over and over, Vaeh, Livvy, Teo, Ana, Grace, Alex, Tori... the list goes on and on. However, Christ has given me the faith to overcome the grief and heartache in my life. He has constantly been my greatest source of comfort. It is only through the grace of Jesus that I stand here today. He has given me the strength to not only survive, but to thrive and to glorify him in all I do. Suffering for the sake of Christ is not easy. It destroys the lie that cultural Christianity tells us: that we deserve to be happy, and that all Jesus wants is for us to be healthy, wealthy, and wise. Thankfully, the Bible is clear that God wants so much more for us than superficial happiness. He wants us to have true joy and peace in Him. He wants us to be sanctified into the image of Christ Jesus and to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. He uses suffering to accomplish that purpose. He uses suffering to draw us closer to himself. Because of my experience with foster care, I plan to become a biblical counselor so that I can minister to those who have been touched by the trauma and heartbreak of foster care. I also plan to be a foster mom and welcome foster children into my home. Foster care is not easy, but it is so worth it to be the hands and feet of Jesus for foster children. Foster care not only gives kids a safe home, but it also allows us to live out the gospel in the lives of these children. Through opening our hearts and homes to these children we get to make the gospel real to them and show them the love of Jesus. If my heart needs to break to make a precious child’s heart a little more whole, then I will do it every time. I am so incredibly exciting for this calling that God has placed on my life and the opportunity to love orphans and their caretakers both as a foster mom and a biblical counselor.

“Is it over now?” That’s the question I found myself asking as I hit the red button and hollowly watched as the phone call ended. As my entire body shook from crying, I thought about the weeks of questions and wondering that led to this moment. It was the death of a relationship, of hopes and dreams, of first love and forever. Let me paint the picture for you, I was 16, he was 18, I was full of ideas of how we would beat the odds and make it work, and I thought he was too. We were in it for the long haul. He was my first crush, my first boyfriend, the first guy I ever gave my heart to, the first boy who ever held my hand. It was textbook “How you get the girl”, he said all the right things. I knew long distance would be hard but, eventually, we would be “out of the woods” and spend forever together. However, real life was not that simple. At first, things were great. I was incredibly happy, and he and I were perfect together. He talked about marrying me and naming our kids. But, as the fall faded to winter, I began to grasp for pieces of what we had. He lost interest, found a new friend group, and didn’t need his emotional support girlfriend anymore. I told him I didn’t feel like he loved me anymore. He apologized, made excuses, and carried on with his life. I spent weeks crying. Then it finally happened, he called, and I broke up with him, the seconds dragged on to a couple of awkward minutes. He acted like he didn’t care and made awkward jokes about who I could date now. I, on the other hand, broke into sobs the moment the words “I think we should break up” left my mouth. Words can’t describe how soul-crushing it is to have the boy who said he wanted to marry you act like he doesn’t care one bit about losing you. The boy who said he wouldn’t leave, but slowly but surely stopped caring and left. But it’s ok because “I've been picking up the pieces of the mess you made”, growing and blooming, coming to terms with the life I have now. The aftermath of a breakup is never fun. Life shifts the way snow in a snow globe is shaken and falls back in a completely new way. The sidewalks and street corners are the same but with a blue-gray tinge. I constantly must “remind myself the more I gave, you'd want me less” and of “the way you faded 'til I left”. The questions will haunt you if you let them. They’ll play in your head over and over again until you go crazy. So, you have to learn to live with them. You have to heal. To say that Taylor Swift’s 1989 was the soundtrack of my breakup would be an understatement. Taylor’s songs gave me the words to express the way I was feeling and what I was going through. Songs like I Wish You Would, Now That We Don’t Talk, Say Don’t Go, and Is It Over Now, shaped the way I processed the breakup and the way I’ve moved forward. I am incredibly thankful for the way this album has impacted my life. Now, in the words of Taylor, “When I was drowning, that's when I could finally breathe, and by morning gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean”. I am so thankful to be finally clean.