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My awkward thing is my ADHD. I was always bullied for being the hyper kid who could never close her mouth. I love to talk and talk. When people tell me to stop talking, I feel ashamed. That ADHD though is just a part of who I am. I say weird things and always bounce off the walls when I have sugar or coffee. I’m always a lot for neurotypical people. A principal I had once told me that I am a lot for people. She said people don’t know what to do with me because I’m a lot to handle. That honestly hurt because it made me feel like something was wrong with me. It made me think maybe I should be quieter or less energetic so people would like me more. But that’s not me. I realized that my ADHD is a part of me and I can’t change that. It’s what makes me talkative, energetic, and sometimes random. I didn’t let that get me down because that’s what makes me me. If I’m too much for some people, then I just haven’t found the right people for me yet. I know there are people out there who will accept me for who I am. Another awkward thing I have is my height. I am 17 years old and 5ft even. People always bullied me for being short. I matured at a young age so I stopped growing earlier than other kids. Kids in school always tell me, “Why are you so short? Are you a baby?” I’m not a baby, I’m just short. I get bullied for not being able to reach books off the top shelf. I get bullied because my feet don’t touch the ground when I sit on benches. Kids have told me I need a booster seat just to sit in the passenger seat of a car. Those comments can be embarrassing and annoying because it’s not like I can control how tall I am. Sometimes I wish I was taller just so people would stop making jokes. But at the same time, my height is a part of me too. It makes me who I am. It’s easy for me to have a bottom locker and to wash my hands at lower sinks. I can reach low shelves at the grocery store much easier. When I can’t reach something because of my height, I’ve learned to ask for help because it’s okay to ask for help. Everyone has their own little quirks that make them unique. Nobody is perfect and everyone has things about themselves that people might judge. My ADHD and my height are things people have made fun of, but they’re also part of what makes me, me. At the end of the day, I’d rather be myself than try to change just to make other people comfortable.

To want and need are completely different things. I want a life like my younger sister’s, but I don’t need it. As human beings we try so hard to control everything when in reality, the only thing we can truly control is ourselves. Ellyanna was born in 2021. She took up all of the space and attention. Although I hate this term and dislike using it, she is my half-sister, and we have different fathers. The difference in our fathers is what causes my pain because her father is around and mine never was. Although I envy my little sister, I see myself through her. I imagine what life I could have had if I lived my childhood the way she has so far. But, dwelling on the past will not change what has already happened. If everything were different I wouldn’t have Ellyanna as my sister. If everything were different I wouldn’t have gotten the chance to be her role model. If everything were different, I wouldn’t have had my Step-father to guide me as a father figure when I needed him the most. So, despite my jealousy, I wouldn’t want anyone to grow up without a father figure because it hurts. But getting through it led me to my peace which is what I have genuinely been longing for. Even though things did not pan out how I would have wanted, I have learned that I cannot define myself by my relationship with someone else.