It was quite evident that I was no star player. In fact, I belonged in the gray area, otherwise known as the Practice team. Each day I tried to rationalize and suppress all the doubts that came with my suboptimal performances. However, a  profound shame began to lurk in my shadow. Even as I hoped to be destined for remarkable feats. It remained and cynically watched as I took my skill level personally and bathed myself with self-hate. Its looming darkness made everything feel frivolous and humiliating. I knew that my love and passion for the sport juxtaposed with my struggles to properly pass and kick the ball. And it became second nature to second guess my every move, pass, and shot, and each time I made a mistake, my body became more stiff, rigid, and timid. My utter hopelessness would only proliferate when I would look into my coach’s bewildered eyes as I stood there, dumbfounded, not knowing what to do. All I could think of was “How could I compete with people’s years of experience as they too continuously practice and fervently try to improve.”  I was certain of my dream of becoming an exceptional player, yet it slowly blurred into the distance of uncertainty. I quickly internalized the slogan ‘it sucks to suck’, but it will eventually get better. The slogan carried me through the first year, but soon I began to question the fruitfulness of this endeavor. What was I even contributing to my team? Was I even refining my skills anymore? Was I even ameliorating? I felt this sticky blanket of unfamiliarity coat my dreams, suffocating my vision of the future. I couldn't bear to look at myself in the mirror and see what everybody else saw: a below-average player.  It was a deafening battle of tug of war with who I am and who I want to become. If I didn't have any potential to be great, should I even be playing? These thoughts tore me to the ground and I would soon only think about quitting. “I can’t do this” echoed in my head during a game. My heart began to beat rapidly, and my eyes continuously shifted from the pitch to the bench, pleading for my coach to take me out. I desperately wanted to hear the buzzer, checking the scoreboard through my tear-filled eyes. I'd rather the ground swallow me whole before I make another detrimental mistake. The facts were I was someone who was made for the environment of the classroom, essentially academically inclined.  I couldn’t quite adapt to being unable to reread directions and recheck problems over and over again. Every choice I made on the field reflected who I was, taking the ball and not knowing what to do exemplified my indecisiveness. Freezing when the coach would say my name on the sidelines illustrated my inability to be under pressure. Attending practice forced me to develop a whole new aspect of my personality: spontaneity, decisiveness, and confidence in myself.  I chose then to fully commit myself, knowing with each day of practice a new component of my personality was being installed. The blanket of unfamiliarity transformed into a cape. It propelled me to become a better version of myself and taught me growth does not have to be filled with cognitive dissonance. This scholarship would help me excel in my classes as it would give me time off from work and I could then use that time for studying or taking a break to do something I love, like playing soccer.

Exhaustion swept over me as I was too tired to study for my AP U.S. history quiz. After a long day of fasting and completing my homework from other subjects, this task seemed to be one of sacrifice. So I went to Taraweeh that night and prayed to God, to do good on it and to have the knowledge needed to pass. Upon waking up the next morning. I decided to use the little extra time I have, to do some studying since it was my first-period class. I quickly flipped through the chapter making a note of things I thought would be important. Then it was time to go to school. I reluctantly flipped over my quiz and began answering the questions. I felt surprisingly confident and was only unsure about two questions. Alhamdulillah I say under my breath. Alhamdulillah I say again when I get my perfect score back. School sucks the life out of you and at times feels monotonous, bleak, and pointless. Without having a clear philosophy that I can intertwine in my life. It was easy to feel that all my efforts would go to waste the second I don't succeed. If I didn't have such a clear answer in the purpose of life, to please Allah, I would drown in uncertainty. Hearing the Quran instantly transcends me to a warm hug of spirituality. Reassuring me that my contributions to the world matter. Knowing that the most powerful is the most merciful, and knowing that Allah is the best of planners. This instance made me realize the importance of dua and trust in Allah. When you make time for Allah your life becomes easier in ways you wouldn't expect. The quiz grade signified the barakah of time spent in religious endeavors. Simple moments like saying dhikr or listening to the Quran on my way to school kept my mind steady and content. As I continue to pursue my education. I wish to minor in Arabic to understand the Quran and hadiths in their authentic forms. This will then allow me to study my deen more effectively and give back to the community by inspiring Muslims of all ages to seek knowledge. That wherever your career takes you, Allah will be there with you. So don't let your environment get the better of you, and take a strong stance on who you are as a Muslim. To let the label “Muslim” be a badge of honor.