Beep! Beep!
My mother’s grey Honda snapped me out of my trance. As we drove off, she probably asked “How was track practice?”, to which I likely mumbled a quick “fine” as I tuned out the rest of the conversation. I was more focused on chasing clouds. The windshield gave me a full-screen view of the evening colour show. As hues of purples and blues merged, I felt at peace. The day was September 11th, 2018.
As the eldest daughter in a Jamaican, single-parent family, I had to battle many expectations. I also had a shadow mirroring my moves: my younger sister, Soroya. When Soroya was three, she was diagnosed with autism. It was just a splash of orange added to our sunset; which could be overwhelming but never took away from its beauty. I did all I could as her second-in-command mom on days where our mother worked late, which was nearly all of them. Whether staying up to help with assignments, or calming her down during a panic attack, I tried to do it all.
Then there was my older brother, Shem. I admired the way he walked with a certain swagger, and effortlessly brightened a room upon entrance. I still remember when he arrived at my fourteenth birthday party. The excitement that filled me when I showed my friends my cool older brother was incomparable. There were times where we would sit and ponder the future together. Though plans were never solid, they became dreams for me. I knew based on annual birthday calls, regular visits, and offers to pick me up from school that I could depend on him for the rest of my life.
On my September 11th, I returned to my silent house, mentally cursing the internet service provider for the third mishap this month. Without cable, internet, or telephone service, I retired to my room to watch a downloaded episode of “Gossip Girl”, because rich people's problems were far more entertaining than my own. Then Soroya appeared in my doorframe. I could tell something was off from her stance, as her usual fluid, ecstatic body language was restricted by stiffness.
I flew out of bed, paralyzed in my steps by a wall-tremoring wail. I rarely ever saw her shed tears; she was invincible. Something in me shattered as I saw the walls that held me up for so long crumble. I begged her to tell me what’s wrong, because I had to be able to help. That was MY role.
The words ‘not him’ escaped between her sobs. My older brother passed away in a car crash, on his route home from the airport. My mother’s tower, and mine, paralleled as they fell. That day — my 9/11 — a horrible day in the history of the world, and my family, is stained in my mind.
It took us long to rebuild those walls. As a family, we became more dependent on each other; for comfort and hope. As for me, I found solace in sunsets, familiar smiles, and trying new things. I learned to prioritize myself while keeping other parts of my life in balance. I still looked at my mother as my hero, while remembering that she is not invincible. Similarly, I found the hero in myself through my vulnerable moments. I learned that a helping hand was always around the corner, I just needed to be brave enough to ask for it. Inside school, I found myself surrounded by like-minded peers trying to make a change, and do some good in our world.
My newly painted sunset is not the same as before, and will never be. Now, I make more of an effort to give back to others through random acts of service. Maybe one day, I'll be lucky enough to be as influential to someone as my brother was to me.