As a child, I remember telling people I was a worrier. I never understood why the idea of talking to other kids was so paralyzing, or why eating in the lunchroom made me worried sick. I never questioned it, simply knew that I worried more extremely than most of my peers. A younger me assumed I would grow out of it, and that one day I would be able to sit in a classroom without racing thoughts and a pounding heart. But as I got older I began to realize that these feelings were not something I could grow out of. By the time high school came around, I had become very good at ignoring these worried feelings. However, the stress of my high school schedule pushed me to a breaking point where they could no longer be ignored. I would go to school each morning and rarely made it through the end of the day; frequent panic attacks and anxiety spells warranted trips to the counseling center or nurse's office and, as a result, I fell behind in most classes, and my personal life was seriously affected.
At this point, I knew something was very wrong, and, thanks to guidance from my school's counseling center, got access to resources that could help. It was at this point that I got the official diagnosis and information for my anxiety disorder. At first, the notion of a “disorder” did not sit well with me, and for a while, I felt it implied something was wrong with me. Starting to tackle my anxiety was a daunting task. It was something I accepted as normal for so long that I had never fathomed being able to change the pattern of feelings it brought. However, the biggest shift in my relationship with mental health came when I began to re-frame how I thought about my anxiety. I started to see my diagnosis not as something that hindered me, but instead as information that I could use to take better care of myself.
As a result, I was able to start taking steps toward a new goal: acknowledging and caring for my mental health. This was something that I hardly considered a priority before this point in time, but taking these first steps was something I am endlessly grateful for. As a first step, I began to open up to my family and close friends about what was going on. This step was incredibly daunting because I felt such stigma around the notion of mental health. When my mental health was at its worst, it affected me in ways I never could have anticipated, which often left me feeling defeated. My anxiety brought about feelings of guilt, frustration, and anger at myself because I could not perform at my best and did not understand why. My biggest concern in telling my friends and family is that it would highlight these feelings and amplify them within myself, or that they would feel them towards me. The stigma surrounding mental health was a huge hurdle I had to jump when trying to understand what proper mental care looked like for me. While it was scary and uncomfortable at first, it wound up being one of the most crucial steps in actively caring for my mental health. It gave them a better understanding of what exactly was going on, and their support pushed me to keep actively working toward this goal. It also played the most substantial role in destigmatizing mental health in my own mind, which allowed me to move forward and keep improving my relationship with that branch of my health.
The more I began to talk about it, the more I felt like I had concrete knowledge to work with, instead of a mysterious cloud of feelings looming out of reach. I began to develop techniques to get myself back into my routine. I would attend half a class, then a full one, then two, then three. I began scheduling small outings with my friends again, and, slowly but surely, I was working through the anxious feelings. I finally felt like I was showing up as myself again, not as my anxiety.
While this stretch of time was one of the most defeating and uncomfortable periods in my life thus far, I regard it as the one that taught me the most about myself. The most significant lesson that I learned, and the one that helped me the most in working through these challenges, is that it's important to reach out for support and to seek out the resources available to you. As a result, I was able to build a strong support system and get the help I needed to keep going in the midst of these challenges. It also taught me the value of choosing to do things outside of my comfort zone and how to have resilience in the face of fear.
These skills have come in handy for the rest of my academic career, and beyond. They helped me navigate hurdles such as virtual learning during the Coronavirus pandemic and the transition back into in-person learning. They were also exceptionally helpful as I transitioned into college and were the primary principles I utilized to help me make a strong start for my first year. With the help of my support system, I decided to embrace these lessons and apply them toward setting my career goals and ambitions in motion.