Sunsets are magnificent creations. Their vivid streaks of color combine to form a heavenly painting that only the works of Mother Nature could piece together. For about a half-hour every day, the brightest of goldens and pinks and purples merge peacefully with the subtle blue sky, each swipe of nature’s paintbrush contributing to a spectacle that sends every person into a mystified trance. However, in every sunset, there seems to be a splotch of the sky where the radiant hues meet disharmoniously, where brilliance collapses into catastrophe, where unity spirals into discord, where colors become chaos. People never bother to give these spots a second glance. Because people love to seek anything that stands out from a crowd and openly separate it from the rest. If something doesn’t meet society’s standards of what is right or expected, then it is classified as different and unusual. And people love to look at anything deemed “different” and turn it into something “freakish” or “weird.” Something they don’t want to associate with. Otherwise, they’ll be seen as freakish and weird, and labels mean everything to the typical community. Three steps normally follow a person being disliked by society. These steps are similar to diving from the edge of a cliff. Step one: isolation from society. Arriving at the cliff you’d like to jump from, driven to that point by words as small as three letters and as large as their entire lives. The evasion of someone once accepted, now rejected, leading to conforming to judgment or conforming to the hands of an emotional spiral. Step two: scorn of society. Traveling to the edge of the cliff, one shove away from falling down into a pit of dark thoughts that can’t be escaped. An attacker will approach the victim, make a negative comment to showcase their feelings to the best of their abilities, and retreat out of fear of being harmed in return. A feeble attack, yes, but with tremendously effective results. Step three: caving to society. The act of being pushed over by the voices in one’s head, shoved into a mental abyss to fall through a vault of memories. A mental fight that will most likely end with outer and inner scars, activated at random moments throughout the victim’s lifetime via specific trigger words. This stage can’t be avoided once the second step is activated, and it’ll without doubt end in pains that can’t be reversed. But if you take a moment to look around after arriving at that cliff, you’ll notice the sparkling river weaving its way through earth to your right, dipping over the edge in a singing waterfall. You’ll notice the flourishing trees and undergrowth, homing life of all sorts and giving to a world that has done nothing but take from it. You’ll realize that society doesn’t judge “weird” or “freakish” behavior- they fear outstanding and threatening talent. And if you enter step one with an open mindset, you’ll turn away from that cliff with a newfound sense of the beauty in being different. Sunsets are magnificent creations. Their vivid streaks of color combine to form a heavenly painting that only the works of Mother Nature could piece together. However, in every sunset, there seems to be a splotch of the sky where the radiant hues meet in a blend of creativity, where brilliance rises to imperfection, where unity spirals into individuality, where colors become voices. Suddenly, you realize that without that incredible splotch, every sunset would look the same. And suddenly, that splotch becomes the star attraction of the gorgeous view painted into your memory.

When a friend of mine forwarded me this scholarship to fill out, I instantly began to cry. I wish I could say I was lying. But the tears running down my cheeks at this moment say otherwise. So do the ones that dripped down my face and onto my bedsheets as I listened to "the grudge" for the first time. Because never has a scholarship or a song related so heavily to so many breaking points in my life. "I try to be tough. I try to be mean. But even after all this, you're still everything to me." It might shock you to hear that before filling out this application, I'd already written two song explorations of "the grudge." Why? Following the storyline of this song nearly exactly, a year ago, I went through a rocky on-and-off relationship starting with a text message in May where my partner had me falling completely head-over-heels in love. Then, in the span of two weeks, he broke up with me, decided to get back together with me, ghosted me for two days, and then broke up with me again... all without a proper apology. I was literally hanging on by a thread. For two weeks of my summer, I was emotionally wrecked. Imagine a fifteen-year-old girl curled up in bed, trembling violently, listening to SOUR on loop for five hours straight, constantly wondering if she is good enough, if there was anything she could do to salvage what they had. What was wrong with her. Days of anger and no sleep, weeks of regret, months of returned feelings, and a full year of numbness, and to this day, I still can't commit to a relationship without running away. But what would you know? I'm best friends with my ex, and I'm currently wingmanning him with his second attempt at a girlfriend since our relationship. My back bends like rubber. I constantly end up splaying myself out on the floor, offering up my soul for other people to step all over. Since becoming a teenager, I find that growing up comes with an intense need to please other people. Through relationships and friendships alike, I've been used, manipulated, yelled at, fought with, ordered around, gossiped about, broken down and built back up again, mentally, emotionally, and nearly sexually abused. I've watched people I once considered my closest friends tear into my heart like it's their lunch and they haven't eaten for days. I've been stabbed in the back and left to bleed out on the floor. Time and time again, I wrap up my wounds and walk away with dull eyes and lifelong scars. Time and time again, I want to be angry. I want to yell, scream, cry, writhe, fight, collapse, stop anything and everything all at the same time. Yet time and time again, I stay silent. I hold my tongue. I give people another chance. And if it shatters me into pieces along the way, so be it. I may be a broken picture, but if you squint, maybe I'll be whole again. It hurts. It hurts really, really badly. But it's a problem that so many teenagers deal with. Peer pressure and people-pleasing are amongst some of the strongest presences in high schools. And no one does a thing about it. Maybe this scholarship stands out from the rest. Maybe it doesn't at all. But no matter what, coming out of this, I hope I'm not the only one with tears running down my face. Before you speak, think and be smart. It's hard to fix a wrinkled heart.