Being the first in my family to go to college and the oldest sibling is something I’m proud of, but it’s also been really hard.
My mum has always pushed me to do well, and though I know that she just wants the best for me, sometimes the pressure feels like too much. My sister has a developmental disability, and while I love her and understood that she needs extra care, I felt like I didn’t get the same attention. And even though I knew it wasn’t her fault, I couldn’t help feeling jealous and resentful sometimes. It’s something I’ve had to work through.
My parents split up when I was around seven or eight, but even before that, things were rough at home. There was a lot of fighting, and I witnessed domestic violence . Those memories followed me into my pre-teen and teenage years and it wasn’t until 2020 that I was diagnosed with PTSD.
My dad was a smoker and an alcoholic, and even after the divorce, he’d make me “pinky promise” to help get him and my mum back together. I was just a kid and I didn’t know how to fix their marriage, and I didn’t understand why he was asking me to. It felt like it was my fault and because of me, our family broke up. After the divorce, my mum, my sister, and I moved to the U.S. to live with my grandma. Moving to a new country at eight years old was overwhelming. I had to learn English and adjust to a whole new culture.
When I was ten, my dad passed away. Even though he wasn’t the best dad, I always held onto this hope that he’d change. I dreamed that he’d come to America, that we’d be a family again, and that I’d finally get to do all the normal father-and-daughter things I saw other kids doing. When he died, that hope died with him. It hurt so much, and it still does.
Depression and PTSD have affected every part of my life; my relationships, my self-esteem, even my ability to focus on school. It made me feel hopeless and I lost my faith in God, I began distancing myself from my friends, and I just completely isolated myself. The COVID-19 pandemic was a breaking point for me. I started self-harming and when my mum found out, she got me into therapy. It took a while to find the right therapist, but once I did, it made a huge difference. Therapy has helped me understand my trauma and find healthier ways to cope.
My background has made me want to become a better person and help others. I have always been interested in the medicine field because my father was a sociologist, but I really want to study radiology. I want to help others through medicine and that is my ultimate dream.