I never thought watching my parents get a divorce would affect me more than just being a sad memory. When I was a kid all I saw was the fact that I get two christmases, two birthday parties, and two times the amount of love but growing up I have realized no amount of presents will compare with a family being together. I realize that my parents needed to get a divorce and everything happened the way that it needed to but I sometimes catch myself wishing my family could just be like all my friends' families. Not only do I live with the sad fact that my family will never be together again, I have to wake up everyday and try to understand why my mother chooses substance over having a relationship with me. I have learned to live with it but it somehow is a reminder that my family is broken because substance was one step ahead of me and my sister. I did not realize it until a little bit ago but their divorce has changed me in ways that I am proud of and also ways I am ashamed of. I am proud of how independent I have become. I am proud of the way I have matured emotionally. Although I am ashamed of the fact that I hardly trust anyone in my life, I know that I am letting my guard down slowly but surely everyday. I am ashamed of how much anger is inside of me but I am proud that I do not act out of that anger. Whenever I am thinking about a specific memory that my family made together, I am often filled with that same anger. This includes good memories and bad memories. That is something I am ashamed of, fearful of remembering really anything from when my family was together. Any Disney trip, any trip we took to Las Vegas, any Christmas with my entire family together, anything that reminds me of the fact that my family was once a happy family, will fill me with sorrow. Photos. Any photo I see of me and my mother as a child or my family all together in a photo, physically hurts me. I am working on not letting these memories change me as a person but it is tough to not feel burdened with a sense of regret or doubt knowing that things can take a turn for the worst at any given moment. I think one day I will have fully accepted the way everything turned out but right now I am still working on balancing and processing these emotions with my everyday life. Although the divorce has caused me to suffer and left me with trauma, I will forever be grateful for my father and the way our relationship has grown in ways that it may not have if it was not for the divorce. He has been there for me every single day and had confidence in me even when I didn’t have confidence in myself. The divorce has taught me many lessons that I can learn from and take into other areas of my life. I feel as if that is the best thing I can do with this circumstance I have been left with.