@710derella

I envision a man who once was looked at like he would never make it in life, being put down, and battling mental health issues overcoming all odds to graduate with a PHD in psychology only to go on to help others who also find themselves in that same agonizing disparity that I once felt well at the same time still being able to make my mother proud, also allowing her to retire early.

I remember the feeling like it was yesterday. I was getting sober. I was working on myself and yet I still felt lost. I was about two weeks into my inpatient rehabilitation program when I started feeling this daze in my clarity. Before rehab I was getting inebriated everyday working at a job that no longer brought me joy or feeling of being complete. I first started my job at fashion nova as a grateful young man, happy to be apart of society again. I was fresh out of rehab after three months in 2017 and in July I started my five year career at fashion nova. I was an all around employee and thoroughly enjoyed my time spent there. At times it felt like I lived at work. Fast forward to December of 2019, where I found myself miserable, unhappy, and overworked. I despised going in to work. At the age of 23 I developed a bad back, a terrible attitude, and a new found negative view of the world. I quit, because I wasn’t happy. Soon after I flipped to the complete opposite end of the spectrum of life. I started making money under the table, and I made a lot of it. To the point where I got busted trafficking at an airport. From that point on it was a roller coaster and it took me on the worst ride of my life. Three years later I finally had enough. I didn’t go into rehab again by choice, but I had an idea well I was in there this time. I always loved to learn and the one thing I never did was take the time to learn myself or my body. It occurred to me that psychology isn’t just about therapy and counseling like everyone sees it. There was a part of psychology where the basis is learning everything about the brain. I was intrigued to know that my behaviors leading up to my demise can be explained and I can achieve something no one else in my family has done at the same time. When I left rehab, I immediately signed up for college at Cerritos college with my intended major being psychology. I had no career in mind. I had no short term goal tied in. I didn’t know where I would go with it. I knew though that taking this route was probably the most safest option that would give me a chance to study my own self well also getting an education. Nothing bad could come from going to college and with all the energy I had, once put in other places, I could really make something out of it. I told myself I would decide on what to do next in life as I encountered opportunities through college. My background was perfect for this. Where I once roamed the streets looking to get high and inebriated, I knew that nothing good can come from it, I applied that same thought process to college. Between my first choice and second choice in life, it’s safe to say college is the more rewarding option. Becoming a neuroscientists really interests me a lot, because I can take what I learned about myself with my behaviors and share that with others who might be going through the same thing. Plus that’s just one study that drove me to go to college. There is so much more that is ahead of that one goal. Where I once felt lost unable to be useful to anyone, I changed direction. I found comfort in the process.

I believe my mental health is the strongest part of me that I have. Of course, it is vital to deliver one's self on a day-to-day basis. Since a young kid, I have always been sporadic, high-energy, and a little on the weirder side than most. At 14 years old I was diagnosed with ADHD. I never sought treatment for it but now I see the importance of learning how to deal with it. I never sought treatment, because after the diagnosis I basically never went back. Naturally, I fell into self-medicating through alcohol and weed. I was always trying to do things in excess to keep up with my fast-paced mind and hopefully slow it down. Today at 26 years old, I see definite problems trying to cope without a substance now. Most people use alcohol or drugs to feel a different kind of escape. I would use them to feel normal even when I first started. I have learned that sometimes I am going to encounter issues that only I would know how to solve. There are things that I will have to face alone, but my challenges and struggles are no different than anyone else. They are not worse or better. They just are normal challenges I encounter every day. I say this because I often hear in life that "ADHD" is not real. I have heard someone tell me that I look normal and It doesn't seem like I am having much trouble with day-to-day life. At first, it would make me angry, because there's no way for me to show a video or explain how it even works. I just know I am forgetful and attentive toward things that interest me, and I have thoughts going all around my head all day at a million miles per hour. However, I came to understand that people only speak from a place that they know. If what they know was misinformed then there is no reason to get angry. I just let it go and be about my day. In life, I came to figure out that I shouldn't look at life from a "Why Me?" point of view. I say this because often times when I get caught up in the schema of the world that it boggles me how much complex, skillful, and hardworking people are out there. I use to think why couldn't be in the position they are in, but that's the wrong thing to ask. I learned that if someone makes something look easy it's probably from practice. Nothing in this life is easy and if it is worth it then it will be harder. Learning to let go of the focus on everyone else and only focus on me helps maintain my mental wellness.

I see a broader perspective when it comes to life as a first-generation student. The struggles my parents went through will give me the courage to fight the ones I may face. Yet, we do not know our future. Speaking from a Mexican background, growing up in Montebello, and seeing first hand what oppression, gang violence, and the system can do. I understand why my parents, uncles, aunts, grandpas, grandmas, and others alike were afraid of what we call the "Law", "12", "Chocolate Chip Joes", "blood", and/or "The Man" can do. Growing up I saw what my parents faced although I never looked ethnic. I am very much diverse when it comes down to my blood. I got everything. I am Mexican, Patagonian, Mayan, Amazonian, Iberian, Italian, British, Irish, German, Basque, Roma, Northern Andes, Meso-American, and even Asian. Although I resonate with my Mexican background. I learned that this justice system was not built for us. It was built for those who gatekeep responsibility and power. My challenges are past getting a job, keeping a job, and keeping my family safe. I face the 21st century. Where I not only have to watch my back because of my background but our data is also up for grabs too. How can I possibly safeguard myself from physical and cyber threats? This is a reality. Where being smart once got you into places you never thought of before. It now takes you to a deep abyss where no one wants it to grow. The more clever, witty, adaptable and savvy you are the more you are a threat to those who hold a position. In our day and age, we see those who can not handle the young becoming better and the old becoming a thing of the past. Instead of teaching our youth to rise. We teach them to conform. It is common to listen because someone older knows better. What if someone older does not know better and has to learn it from a kid? Is it wrong? This is why I want to become a psychologist that works within the legal system. I want to bring objective, unbiased, and empirical facts to the surface. Yet be only on the side that holds the truth. I am not against anyone. I am outside of the arena, observing. Bringing forth the truth for the people and the world we live in.

Our mind is a complex construct, It can create such intricate processes and can perform functions on its own without us even telling it to. I don't remember telling myself to dream the last time I fell asleep, but it just happened. I can visualize pictures when I close my eyes and it's not a vision from the eyes. I can process a sentence without talking and read it like a book within my mind. Thinking of it sounds crazy, but it is. If I can create something like this within my mind then it gets dangerous when I open my eyes and I can perceive the world around me. There's a whole world out there and if I am unable to read my environment correctly then I know there is an opportunity to leave myself vulnerable. I have patterns, habits, and things I do in my everyday lifestyle that are easy to exploit. I make the mistake also of being overly trusting or caring too much. I often lose things, for days at times. The memory of it just floats away and it will come back, but when it wants to. It's funny sometimes I remember when I needed it as I find it when I don't need it. I have ADHD, so it's normal for me to forget something quickly and also be so sporadic that I forget to do something I needed to be done. I saw it as a downfall. It kinda keeps life exciting. I wouldn't say that it even stops me from doing anything. I do notice that it makes other emotions, or other disorders almost ten times more intense. One of the Psychiatrists told me they think it might be bipolar. Only because as of recently I have been on the depressed side of things. When I feel it comes on it's an overwhelming satiable feeling. It's something that I could never actually fully explain. I do let out cries filled with emotion and I can be the exact opposite but never in the middle. Would I say that stops me from still doing what I can or as near as possible to my best? No. I do not even think my anxiety attacks are of utmost importance. It's there. I am good tho. I never thought I would be labeled mental health or even disabled. I will admit this thought. I feel as though I have had multiple challenges to get over in life and the only reason I got through them or over them was because of my mindset. Even reading is difficult for me. I can see the sentences merging and I need to blink to reset my view. Maybe follow the words with a finger. I was already kinda at a disadvantage right there, but I still never took the time to take my own head space seriously. I ignored my condition for a long time. I found my love in a tall can of substances. I found a way to avoid my sober brain because it is easier to blame things on being drunk. I am grateful for the things that do hinder me as they allow me to build. I have been on a journey since October Twenty-Eight of two thousand twenty three. I had my first suicide attempt. This also did not become a reason to give up for me. I survived and my point is that no matter what the situation or how bad it is, I will always find the good inside of it to grow. So I can help someone there also.

I dislike how mental illness or mental health is viewed as something weak or unordinary. I always went above and beyond to gain the favor of others. I grew up taking less but wanting more attention. I would give up money, and possessions, or even help just to be able to fit in and talk to someone. I guess it's not a mental illness, but then again I never agreed with the coined term anyways. Since 14 years old I was in and out of therapy. I can not blame anyone for anything, because there is this preconceived notion that we do everything to ourselves. Yet I always seek more than one side of information. I may not be as others see fit, but I also never think with myself in mind, usually. I have been hidden away is it what it feels like except now it's almost as if it's real? I try to make sense of things and I know If I was there, If I had a say, and I was not blinded I would say how it happened exactly. Never how a situation is wanted. This is why I say mental illness is not my weakness. I may be empathetic and get sad more than others, but I do not cower or hide from anything shy of the truth. My diagnosis is depression, Anxiety, ADHD, and Insomnia. Even tho I was only diagnosed recently with depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I felt like I have had it my whole life. I never really went to the doctors or cared to go. I hated that place and the needles. Yet I always hid my feelings well. I wore my heart on my sleeve but I threw a sweater on over it. If that makes sense. I don't like comparing or cotrasting issues between me or anyone else, because I hate when it's a big game of who's more messed up in the head. That's why I never cared to say how I feel. I would just act dumb until I was left alone. If you ask me though being able to feel on a different magnitude gave me an idea of how others felt. It may sound weird, but I can tell when someone is oversharing about an issue that does not bother them at all. That's when my ADHD kicks in and I look around for an object to focus on. I guess that's where my anger issues came in. I knew when something was wrong and I knew when it was right. Also, I knew the time and the place. If we're talking about what time I came home and how high I was then who cares right. There are other bigger more important issues at hand than worrying about if an addict who is battling depression is high or not. Yet, there is an ironic view that people with mental issues need way more help than others. Now, some do and they deserve it rightfully so. That's why I never went for any type of extra help when it came to accessibility services. I don't use counseling that's free, I don't cry addict and want the best in life. I just am an addict with some diagnosis who makes the best out of what he has. The times I seek help or anything is when I am forced to. If not I just figure it out as I go and ignore the world around me. I never even bring light onto anything related to mental issues. I start with my addiction / Alcoholism.

At first glance, even after a hard thorough stare, you would think I am a white boy from the suburbs. This is true and holds weight, but recently I found out my background was more ethnic than I ever thought or perceived. I knew my grandma was from Aguascalientes and some other family members like my grandpa Manuel were from Chihuahuas, Mexico. I did not ever think that it went deeper than that. Apart from the forty-one percent of me that is Mexican. I am fifty-point-five percent Native People Of America. Inside of that, there is fourteen percent that is Southern Andes / Patagonian, ten percent that is Mayan, seven percent that is Northern Andes, six percent Mesoamerica, two-point-five percent that is Amazonian, one-point-nine percent that is Central American, one-point-four Plains / Eastern Woodlands, and point-six percent the Sonoran Desert, and point-one percent Arctic Islands. After discovering a background like this I was intrigued and I started to question a lot in my life. When I say question I mean I would wanna know where each line of heritage runs down. It made me want to learn about genealogy. It's a pretty interesting job. Besides that point, I feel my background with both sides of my family set me up to be able to handle multiple diverse ways of living. There may be one side that's too pompous, there may be a crazy side, and there may be a cool side, but in the end, whatever side it is, I am glad to have originated from my family. With my dad, I saw all the different types of food that would be a typical dinner for me. I went from being a picky eater to eating almost anything except octopus and pickles. I guess when people hear Hispanic they think of the only way a Hispanic should be. I am Hispanic and I am nothing like what someone would describe. Yet leave me alone with a Spanish-speaking family and you would come back to see me almost near moving in and grabbing a plate to eat every day. I can intermingle almost anywhere I am placed. That's the beauty of being myself. I love it and at times I despise it. Yet, I am accepted because I never change from being a stubborn, funny, loving, and pain of person to deal with. I draw this back to being Hispanic because it is basically where I learned that food is always there. No matter how mad they are a each other. The plates are always there. I loved that when I was younger and I would not go home for say a day or maybe two. I knew that one of my best friends growing up always sat down to eat and share food. My family would do the same, but it was a different setting. Either restaurant or kinda separated. Although, I love my family and the bonds we hold. When it came to being with my mom and her side, I couldn't leave the table til I finished my food. Even after it would still be questioned " Are you hungry?" It brings warmth and reminiscing. I am appreciative for taking time out to write this essay and participate in the remembrance of Jose Prato. I have nothing but the utmost respect for men of his stature and his ability to carry on his life even after passing. It reminds me of my grandpa Manuel. I need to find my picture of us at Shakey's.

Cybersecurity was never a choice when I first started college. Matter of fact, following through and giving it my all was not a part of the plan either. I grabbed on to the thought of furthering my education when I was in a rehabilitation center earlier this year in June and July. I was getting sober and I could not understand why I felt like I was invincible without a substance or a beer. I wanted to learn the processes of my brain and what creates these different neurotransmitters to hit receptors releasing chemicals that would make me feel good. It's a weird way to start and cybersecurity was never in my mind. However, as I started going through the motions in my first semester I started realizing the lengths I could reach. The accomplishments I had in reach. It was without a doubt a surefire choice to go all in. I had Psychology as my major, but I was also interested in Law. Which I am very familiar with. From there I asked myself what else would work in with these dual majors. The choice was obvious since almost everything involves a computer or a phone. I knew it would be a good fit for all three. At least in my opinion, It makes sense when you bring critical thinking from psychology and the different perspectives it gives. Law provides the rules by which critical thinking stays within bounds with. Cyber security brings in a sort of defense and even a way to catch things before they even happen. I don't know what career this falls into, but I am pretty sure when I get there it would make more sense than it does now. I could use my skills, wisdom, and expertise to help out those in need. Maybe help someone like myself where no one could help or knew how. I would wanna be the person that was not there for me. It reminds me of a conversation I had where someone asked me "What would you tell your fourteen-year-old self ?" I didn't answer, but I wrote a letter to the little kid that was inside of me. Once again at twenty-six, I am in the same position. I don't know how my family can view my phone or laptop. It's up in the air how they even got into my laptop. It makes zero sense. This is where cyber security comes in. I gotta figure it out myself and all I can do is learn more to secure my future. If I don't secure my future, then I could never give back the way I want to. I already took progressive action and locked in a solid program called Springboard to study cyber security after my second semester ends. The tuition cost about ten thousand alone bye itself. Its the cheapest option to pay up front so I figured I should start saving. I was also excited knowing that I can learn a career choice in 9 months and with that be able to take care of myself until I get my PHD in Psychology. Thats way to far out though for me to plan. For now, I will do my best in cerritos college. Learn cyber security and then figure out whats next. The game plan is in mind but I am open to different routes and roads. No matter what I won't chase the life I want. I will let the life I need unfold before me.

Please allow me to introduce myself as Richard Armando Vasquez. I would describe myself as a mellow, talkative, kinda quirky person. I like to build interpersonal relationships with people and I value the human connection between people. There is a lot to be mad about in this world. Yet there is also a lot to be happy about in this life. I know there were times for me in my life when it seemed like my anger, my frustration, and my worries would never go away. I learned over time that getting angry, losing self-control, and making a fool of myself are more detrimental than beneficial. Even when my anger was justified, I still sought after things that could make me smile or happy. The fact of the matter is that I am alive. I can fix what has happened and I don't have to do anything for anyone. I bring this up because I was recently in a fiasco with a couple of people and I was being wronged. I just wanted to be left alone, but for some reason, everything in my life was targeted. I could have acted on self-will and let that run rampant. Instead, I chose to take the good out of a bad situation. I learned to have a little patience, understanding, and love for others. Even when it means holding my peace in a situation. Regarding this, I want to go all the way to my Ph.D. and apply to Stanford. The reason my situation started was because of my studying and someone wanting to "help" me. Instead of help, it was more detrimental to my studies, mental health, social life, and even finances. However, it does not deter me to keep pursuing a career in psychology and even incorporating law into it. I find it fascinating learning laws, the ins and outs of everything, and it's all for the betterment of everyone. I would love to work behind the scenes making inferences on cases with the evidence they have. However, I would be fine where ever I end up in life. I know my main goals in life are to make myself proud, build for my family, and put my mom in a house. I love helping out whenever I am asked of it. So when it comes to community involvement, I would not be able to say how I can help. The best thing I can think of is giving back to the kids. It reminds me of a couple of folks I made a promise to myself for. It's a personal situation, but I would like to help those that I see are in need and not those that want to be chosen. It reminds me of how I never cared about or focus until I got "lucky". It's been like that for me, my whole life. I never wanted to be chosen for things, but it just happens. I feel as though god, or our universe, puts me in places that don't make sense at first but in the end start to come together. I know in my heart the last thing I have is greed. I choose the option where everyone benefits even if I have to miss out. With the money, I save I would most likely set up a college fund for my three nephews and niece. So when they hit the glorified adult age of suffering, They too could know the freedom of having their own choice without limitation. Whatever it may be as long as they wanted it and it makes them happy.

I could write an essay where I try my best to brag about everything I do well or skillfully. I could tell you about all these great qualities I have. I could try to sell myself as if I was a new product on the shelf. What I will do is talk about the things in my life that I need to work on personally. I feel as though my weaknesses are only strengths waiting to be formed. If I work on one area in my life and only that area then my life would not be enjoyable. This is where I am currently in regards to progression. I strive for a balance in my life where I can intertwine school, work, and family. I know a major part of being able to balance all three is having discipline. I never had the discipline or even practiced it. I do notice that early on in my life I was making a lot of decisions by myself and never really had anyone there to guide me in a sense. I learned through trial and error so to me discipline was never needed. I say this because, in trial and error, I noticed that I had to defy the typical rules of thumb that most people follow. Where others were afraid to try and learn, I was not. I did not fear falling on my face and having to get back up to do it again. I believe this was a great way to gain experience in my life, but it started getting serious when I became an adult. There are some things that as an adult you can just try and fail. I could relate this to having a good credit score and taking care of it. It is hard to gain but easy to lose. I think that is where I started learning discipline, patience, and tolerance. The three qualities I never had in the first place. I know now that there is no rush, there is no race, and I am not in a marathon. I use to be caught up in this idea of having to force things into place when they would never work in the first place. I still am impatient and have a hard time waiting in line, but that is the small stuff. I am glad that when I am confronted with complex and unrealistic problems, I can solve them. I could take hours to do something that I know is beneficial, productive, and ultimately would be for the betterment. I have some goals that tie in with having discipline and patience. I want to be able to buy my mom a house. I want to tell my dad he never has to work again. I want to tell my sisters that they could spend all their time raising the little ones. It's a far-fetched dream or goal to have. I don't mind knowing that those would seldom happen. Realistically the chances of that happening are like winning the mega lotto. However, I like the small probabilities in life. The underdog is who I route for. There is a bit of sentiment that resonates with me when it comes to the miracle as some call it. I need patience for this though. I know life is hard. It only gets harder and it never lets up. I would drive myself crazy if I joined the "Why not me?" party. Instead, I push forward moving towards progression and not perfection. I know the blessings I receive are from what I put out into the world.