My educational goals are to major in animal science and then go on to vet school. I want to be good at what I do because it's the only thing I have ever wanted to do. I never changed my career choice when I was little I always wanted to help animals. I think I’ve lived an average normal life so far. I’m not dirt poor and I’m not super-rich. I’m not stupid and I’m not crazy smart. I played some sports in middle school but not high school. I wasn’t homecoming queen but I never sat alone at lunch. I’m just an average normal girl living an average normal life. I’m here to write about challenges though and my biggest challenge was myself. My mind, brain and thoughts were the thing that always pushed me back and made me second-guess myself.
Confidence is a spectrum I suppose, like most things these days and I must admit I’ve never had much of it. Confidence and self-esteem have always been my biggest challenge, not just in my high school career but in life in general. There are so many things you have to have confidence in to get by in life. To make friends, to try new foods and drinks, to drive, to play a sport, to do literally anything and my brain was always telling me “you can’t,” “You aren’t good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough.” I guess that’s where perseverance comes from, but at some point, people seem to grow out of low self-esteem and come into their own. I don’t think I’m there yet and I don’t know if I ever will be there. What if I don’t want to be the most confidant in the room? I think I’d rather struggle and push myself. Maybe always wanting more from yourself isn’t necessarily a bad thing, always thinking that you aren’t the best in the room keeps you humble, and it always leaves you with room to grow and become something greater, even if you don’t believe it yourself.
Everyone talks about their biggest critic being themself and that goes for me too. I wasn't just my biggest critic however, I was my biggest bully. Every day at some point in the day I think “You’re not good enough.” My biggest challenge is saying nice things about myself, but maybe that makes me stronger. Maybe looking in the mirror and feeling horrible about yourself makes it easier to hear about your real downfalls, makes it easier for you to take it when other people decide you’re not good enough for them because if I’m not good enough for me, nobody else matters. Sometimes I second-guess my pain. Why do I get to be upset if no one makes me feel bad? I’ve never had a school bully, a tough coach, a mean teacher, or a rude coworker, no one except myself makes me feel bad. I’m not sure if that means my trauma is lesser than others, I just know that it is a challenge. A challenge I face every day, and I choose to keep going. To keep deciding that I have goals and dreams and that it doesn’t matter who says I can’t even if I’m the one that says it, that I can.