An ever-present reality in my life is pain. When I am bowling with friends at the Social in downtown San Jose, pain taps on my shoulder. When I am supervising the construction of a well during a day at my job, pain lingers around the corner. When I look at wedding venues with my fiancé or dream of a future as an educator, pain is part of that vision. How can I best cope? Will the pain still be around? Can I do this?
I have interstitial cystitis (IC). It is a chronic bladder pain condition, with flares that last months with limited relief. It is easily confused with bladder infections (UTIs), which have caused doctors to prescribe countless antibiotics to me over the years. Adding to the confusion, sometimes I do have the UTI. It is debated whether the UTI causes the IC or the IC causes the UTI. Either way, this most recent flare has lasted an entire year. The only difference my friends can see is that I won't drink coffee anymore. They say, "I can't believe you quit coffee; I love coffee." Yeah, me too. And alcohol. And sugary drinks. And pretty much anything other than water. But these seemingly harmless drinks (mostly) cause irritation and pain for me. Other ways this condition has changed my life is that I am too in pain for sexual activity with my partner most of the time. And I feel guilty about that. I worry about outings where an accessible bathroom is not within a 10-minute reach. I worry about doing one of my favorite activities - hiking. I wonder if I'll be able to have kids. Then there are all the medical appointments with confused doctors, little to no answers, and mounting medical bills. My mental health has suffered due to the pain, the restriction, and the hopelessness of it all. This has led to the "freeze response" that many with mental health illness know too well. The "freeze response" is one of the three typical reactions to stress or threat, alongside fight and flight responses. When someone experiences a freeze response, it often involves feeling emotionally overwhelmed or stuck in a state of inaction. I can't drink coffee with friends, so why join them at the cafe? The doctors don't have the antidote, so why spend all this money and keep trying. I've spent many hours planted in front of the TV feeling sorry for myself - which is honestly totally justified, but it is not how I want to live my life.
As this essay continues, I think the obvious transition would be for me to discuss how I started to find hope. And I have found hope. There have been days at a time where I have felt no pain. Those days give me courage to chase my dreams as a teacher despite my worries of needing to use the bathroom during instruction, to join my friends at a boba cafe despite my restricted diet, and to keep educating myself on my condition and trying new things. However, it would be amiss for me to explain away the mental health struggle of this so easily. I have to remind myself frequently that pain is a part of life and that even with pain, life is worth living. I have to create joy even in times of pain. Because ultimately, those are the days where that decision is most important.
Pain has taught me a couple of things about mental health: just one good day can get the ball rolling to better mental health but a consistent drive even in bad seasons is paramount, people only show you what they want you to see, and to have self-compassion. So I didn't work a 9-hour day, work on my school application, cook dinner, clean, and go to that doctor appointment while in pain? So be it. I will create a reasonable list of the most important items to get done today and if I can do that, it is a win. In dark times, lists of accomplishments are your friend. Seeing a loved one even if you do not have the energy for a long hang out is a win. Furthermore, the way I am able to hide my pain so easily has made me very cognizant of the burdens others may carry. I think that this is the true superpower of those with mental health struggles - we can empathize with one another and others. I long to be the kind of teacher that can see the pain behind the eyes of students and be a listening ear. That dream keeps my ball rolling.