Just like many others, I fell from the light into a well of terrible darkness. I have had my mind torn apart and sewn back together each day of my life for the past four-five years. I have suffered from terrible depression, anxiety, and intrusive thoughts, some being about death, for years, and I have finally started therapy and received medication. I am starting to get my life back, and I couldn't be happier. I endured an agonizing relationship and lost friends along the way. Also, especially during my lows, I lost faith in myself and humanity, though I did keep faith in God; however, how I saw religion and the world changed. Yet, despite all of the pain and torture, I found out that I want to become a neurologist, so I can help people not to suffer how I did and to contribute to a cause that has greatly affected me. Overall, over my depressive years, I became submissive in my relationships, changed how I see the world significantly, and learned what I want to do with my life. The first significant dip in my depression came from my first romantic relationship when I was 15. My 18-year-old boyfriend at the time emotionally and mentally abused me. There was a long history of how we started dating that dates back a few months prior but is not needed to understand the situation. I was his first partner, and, at first, it started well but that didn't last long. After a few months, he blamed me for everything negative in his life and for not doing enough for him. I would spend every day on FaceTime with him from 3:30 to 10:00 with only a break to go to the bathroom or to eat. He would keep me on as late as he could, but my parents started taking my phone away at 10:00 to stop him from calling so late. As the relationship continued, I would cry myself to sleep most nights because my boyfriend would yell at me, and I would take the blame just to end the argument. Fast forward a few years, and I still take the responsibility for arguments and hold my tongue when I have an opinion. My current boyfriend and many friends have been helping me get over those habits by asking why I am apologizing and asking for my opinion. Along with that, I have become critical, yet hopeful, for the world. I have come to realize that there is so much to do to help the world, but there is so little understanding. Furthermore, there is a ton of hate that surges through the imaginary boundaries that define the way we live. Some of the world events that have impacted my mental health negatively are the war in Ukraine, the riots, the mass shootings, and China preparing to attack Tai Wan. Not only have these events affected me negatively, but they have made me lose hope in humanity for a long time. Though, when I was in the pits of my despair, I latched onto God and started praying more. It gave me comfort that I had someone to talk to, so I prayed and talked to God every night before I go to bed to vent out all of the best and worst parts of my day. When you're a child, everything about the world is sunshine and rainbows, but, one day, we have to face reality, however devastating it is. Yet, on the other hand, I have hope that it can change. There are many wonderful, loving people in this world, and I do believe that God is going to guide those people to be at the forefront of change. Moreso, I want to be a leader of change, specifically in the mental health arena. This is how my mental health, and the will of God, led me to neurology. As a child, all I wanted to do was be an engineer like my parents because I looked up to them. However, of course, I grew up and learned what I was interested in: mental disorders. This interest sparked in middle school where I saw my life falling apart as each of my friends sunk deeper and deeper into their depression and very unhealthy coping. More than anything, I just wanted to help them and take their pain away, but, little did I know, I would end up having the most severe depression out of everyone. As terrible as it was (and still is), I made a promise to myself that I will try to help everyone I can so that they do not suffer as I have. At first, I wanted to be a psychologist, but my parents did not support that choice since it doesn't make a lot of money, and the field is full; therefore, I decided on Neurology and Neuroscience, which I want to specialize in personality and depressive disorders. I want to devote my life to be a better place where people are not afraid of themselves or their dreams.

"Extra! Extra! Read all about it!" This is a famous line from a not-so-famous movie: Newsies. Newsies is a Disney musical film released in 1992 that follows the events of the Newsboys Strike of 1899. The film was later turned into a Broadway musical in 2017, re-sparking interest in the movie for a new generation. Newsies is my favorite film of all time and have influenced me a ton. It taught me the lesson of perseverance and fighting for what you believe in. I first discovered Newsies when I was eight-years-old at my Musical Theater dance class. I fell in love with the songs we practiced, specifically "King of New York." Though we did not perform "King of New York" for the end of the year recital, it urged me to see the movie and experience the full film. In just over two hours, I fell in love with the movie and dug into the history of the Newsboys Strike of 1899. The music was inspiring, and I would sing it for hours on end, annoying everyone around me. I could recite the entire movie by heart and would talk about it to anyone who listened. It instantly became my comfort movie and still is today, and it has gotten me through some of the worst moments of my life. At one point, I would watch Newsies religiously because it distracted me from my anxiety, depression, and intrusive thoughts. I was in an abusive relationship and didn't have many happy moments then, so I watched Newsies and listened to the soundtrack to give me peace. Seeing the strength of the main character, Jack Kelly, gave me strength in my own life, and the friendship shared between the characters reminded me that I can rely on my friends to help me out. It taught me how to be a leader and how to organize people to work for a common goal. Overall, it kept me calm and taught me valuable lessons when I was little: anything is possible with hope and hard work. On top of that, last year, it gave me new memories as my school performed Newsies the musical. At first, I was very conflicted with how I felt. On one side, I love Newsies, and it would be so cool to work on the show, but I will die on the hill that the movie is better than the musical: the musical changed every song and the reporter. Plus, I was worried I would grow tired of Newsies, and it would lose its value forever. Nevertheless, I proceeded to do stage crew and head the lighting department as the musical developed over the course of a few months. Everyone fell in love with it, even my friends who used to lightly snub me for loving Newsies. It was one of our best shows we have ever performed, selling out almost every night and people coming from all around. It was a rush and insanely fun because I could share my love of the play along with implementing the lessons it taught me in leadership when I was little. Overall, Newsies is the number one movie that has impacted me and my life. It is my comfort movie and the source of some of my favorite memories, and I will forever be grateful that I discovered the film when I was so little. I was able to grow up to be a strong leader and a compassionate friend in part of Newsies.

“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction,” and this is exactly how my life is. I cannot choose one specific thing that drives me because from the beginning, my actions and experiences have led me here. There are too many experiences to name that have contributed to my dreams and goals, but I suppose that’s the answer to why anyone does what they do. To sum up the most influential part of my life that pushes me is my depression. As ironic as it sounds, my depression has pushed me into the field I’m interested in and pushed me to help others. Overall, there are so many moments that contributed to my depression and thousands of stories leading up to those moments which is why I believe life itself is what drives me. To start, ever since I was little, I would stay up late at night and stare into the void of my ceiling trying to figure out how dreams happen. Of course, my five-year-old brain would get nowhere close to the answer, but it started the foundation for wanting to work with brains and understanding how they work. Later on, though, I’d forget about that passion and became interested in robotics when I was around 10. From there, I quickly became bored of robots and started writing. I know none of this really seems relevant, but writing was a huge gateway for me. In sixth grade, I started writing my first novel that would end up being 260 handwritten pages across three notebooks. I finished it the night before my 14th birthday, which was my internal deadline, and the only thing that kept pushing me to write for three hours a day was the thought that this book could inspire one person who could inspire another person and so on. I knew that it would never get me famous or not many people would read it, but I did know that if that one person who needs to hear my message hears it, then all of my work would be worth it. Sadly though, once my depression hit, I started to hate my writing and never published the book. Now, the biggest driving force is my depression. Depression, mental illness, anxiety, and intrusive thoughts are some of the most painful and debilitating illnesses that someone can go through, not because it’s always physically painful, but because it’s so difficult to treat. You always have to take two steps forward and one step back to make any progress. For me, however, I didn’t have a support system to help me so I plummeted into the depths of despair, loneliness, worthlessness, and fear. It took me years to finally get a therapist and open up to anyone about how I was feeling, but thank goodness I did otherwise I don’t know where I’d be today. However, going through those experiences allowed me to make a promise to myself: I will never allow someone to go through what I did. That is why I want to become a neurologist, so I can help combat mental illness head-on and help those that don’t have help. I want to learn more about lesser known disorders in order to bring comfort to those without comfort. And so, in essence, my life and mostly my depression have driven me the most to accomplish my dreams. I have set my goals to never let someone suffer like me and to help everyone I can. So, I have only my life and trauma to thank.

This year has been one of the most life-changing years I have experienced, which is saying something. I have never been an extrovert. I was always the person reading in the corner or watching silently from the end of the lunch table. Overall, I cannot say it has been easy, especially making friends and keeping up in social situations. Specifically, I have faced fatigue, dissociation, and burnout over the years trying to be as social as I can; however, I took on a challenge this year. Back in June, I applied for my first job, more precisely in retail. At first, I was very unsure of how this would go since it was my first real job, and I would be interacting with customers all day. By miracle, I love my job! My managers helped me ease into the process, and we have all bonded over the commonality of having social anxiety. I have become excited to meet new coworkers and striking up conversations with regular customers. Of course, one of my managers and I always find time to unstress by throwing stuffed animals at each other when there are no customers around. Work has become my safe haven where I try to brighten up every customer's day with either a compliment or a story or by making a fool of myself by tripping over my own feet. All in all, I have come to understand that I get paid to learn people skills, conversation starters, and how to brighten up other people's days. As something extra as well, I took on peer tutoring at my school and will hopefully start tutoring elementary school kids in 2023. To me, knowledge, understanding, and education are vital portions of humans becoming who they are. I am very thankful that I was gifted academically enough that I can teach people. My favorite subject is English, but I also love Science and Math. Every Monday, I am scheduled to work with three freshmen students in physical science for half an hour after school. Though I never took physical science, I got all A's in my Honors science classes of Physics, Chemistry, and currently Biology. In the last session, I explained to them what an isotope is and how it is different from a regular atom. I found a drawing app on my Chromebook and drew out an atom with neutrons and protons then drew out an isotope of the atom (essentially the same atom with an extra neutron). Additionally, I am intrigued to see how the elementary tutoring will go, especially since I may have to skip a few sessions due to theater, but overall I am very excited because it allows me to get out of my comfort zone and share my gifts with less fortunate children.

They say "great minds think alike," but I would like to challenge that fact. The world did not grow through everyone thinking the same but through different groups bringing their ideas to the public's attention. There are no two people in the world that think exactly the same which is a blessing. I may see a solution to a problem, and you may see a different solution. This means that we can work together in order to come up with the most efficient solution to the problem. Most importantly, this is needed in healthcare and medicine because there is so much we do not know or understand. Some parents may claim their kid will find a cure to cancer one day, but in reality, it will be thousands of people who have worked together through the decades to figure out treatments and cures. For me, the idea of working to make other people's lives better is what strives me to go into the medical field. More specifically, I want to pursue a career as a neurologist that specializes in behavioral and neurological disorders. Firstly, I want to work with patients by talking with them and running tests. Secondly, I want to use those tests to find new ways of treatment and diagnosis. There are so many rare behavioral disorders in the world that the common public has never heard of or has a major misconception of. This is why I want to do research in this field and work with patients and other neurologists in order to help these patients. All in all, collaborating and working with others is the easiest way to success; however, it took me a long time to realize this because I wanted to do everything on my own, but I would soon learn how vital it is. After many grueling years, I finally opened up to my parents about my mental health on accident in a way. It took a whole year of the school counselors telling me to talk to my parents until I actually agreed. I did not want to submit and let my parents know, but I was forced between the choice of telling them and being uncomfortable for a few days or suffering even more for longer. I am now very happy that I told them because I was able to collaborate with them to get me a therapist. Furthermore, I am able to collaborate with my therapist in order to lower my depressive symptoms. Just one example is my therapist giving me a test for low serotonin which I answered honestly; moreover, this allowed my therapist to prescribe me anti-depressants that my physician could give. Finally, I am able to feel some joy and happiness in my life and not break down every other hour. This was all made possible because I worked with my counselors, doctors, and parents. Though I thought the only solution to my problem was toughing it out on my own, my counselors saw a much better and more effective way by getting me a therapist, and I am so thankful that I listened.

They say the world is many shades of gray, but for me, the world slowly separated into black and white. For the past five to six years of my life, I have struggled with Persistent Depression Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, along with intrusive thoughts. Some broad effects of these, especially in the earlier years, were thoughts of being shot by friends, paranoia, feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, difficulty working and paying attention, and thoughts of never being good enough. How I pictured this in my head was my body being trapped in a box. I was able to see out, but no one could see me. Then it would start to shrink and shrink until I was no longer visible, and no one could hear me scream. I felt like nothing. Going back to the beginning, these conditions started arising in my seventh-grade year (I was 13 years old,) and it was a result of emotional trauma and stress from my friends. For not wanting to bore you with the specifics, I will just go over the large moments. First, I was in a tight-knit friend group that was slowly falling apart and becoming hostile to one another. Second, two of my friends in this group started cutting themselves, and it took me until after everything to realize how significant that was. Third, my friend Anna called me one night saying that she is officially leaving the group, and I advised her to tell everyone before ghosting and avoiding us. This, of course, did not go over well, and another friend started making suicide threats to Anna if she left. Fourth, I was the only mutual ground between Anna and the rest of the group, yet neither side wanted to be friends with me. Though this seems like petty middle school drama, it was very real and started my thoughts of not being good enough to help them and being worthless and a horrible person. Two years later, I would be fully trapped by these emotions and thoughts. In my freshman year, I started dating a senior (I was well aware this wasn't normal at the time,) and our affection for each other quickly turned into mental and emotional abuse. He would yell at me over the phone, not let me see any friends, and make me feel like I only existed to make him happy. I sacrificed hours and my mental health to calm him down, and at one point, I was convinced he was going to hit me. I am extremely grateful he never did. Regardless, I felt like a worthless slave meant to serve everyone, and my existence had no meaning outside of that. Fast forward to today, I am finally in therapy and on medication. It was not an easy road, especially since my parents did not want me in therapy and had a hard time believing I was depressed because I learned how to be high-functioning with it. All in all, the school counselors told my parents I needed outside help due to my many breakdowns and friends reporting me for dissociating and not talking. Overall, I really enjoy going to therapy and talking to my therapist, plus my medication has helped me dramatically. Both the therapy and medication have decreased my intrusive thoughts significantly, allow me to handle my panic attacks, and given me the confidence to be myself. I now want to pursue a career in neurology to do research in helping those with rare behavioral and neurological disorders because no one should have to live a black-and-white life as I did.