I have realized, as I get closer and closer to my 20th birthday, I am feeling more like a teenager than ever before. Maybe it's the emotions that come with the end of this era, maybe it's me trying to extend my teenage years. Either way, just like Olivia Rodrigo, I find myself asking "Will I spend all the rest of my years wishing I could go back?" I remember hearing GUTS for the first time and thinking that no other album has aligned so incredibly with my personal life than this one. I was in the midst of a heartbreak, and had just started my first year of college; I was bitter and angry but also excited and scared and everything in between. Then I got to the last track, "teenage dream," and I realized that no other song has aligned so incredibly with everything about me than this one. I have always been sentimental, saving every movie ticket and birthday card. But, as I became a teenager, I began really trying to hold on to every moment. And as they passed, all I wanted was to recreate the feeling that they had brought. I was feeling nostalgic for elementary school at 13 years old, sitting in class wishing I could go back and hear my second grade teachers rendition of "The BFG" once more. As I furthered into my teenage years, the nostalgia grew and grew. I felt so old and so young at the same time. Trying desperately to remember each current moment while also fretting that I would forget the past. There's an odd bittersweetness to being a teenager. An awkward bridge between childhood and adulthood where you still want to watch the new Disney movie that just came out, but also be allowed to go to a "guy-girl" Halloween party with your friends. This bridge leaves us longing for childhood while still trying to grow up. There's also an odd pressure to "make these years count" because they're supposed to be "the best of your life." There is so much good and so much bad that comes with being a teenager. It's when you become self conscious and jealous, but it also may be when you fall in love for the first time or find your lifelong friends. I am fearful and have been fearful for so much of my teenage experience that these will be the best years of my life and fearful that they won't. Will I spend the rest of my years wish I could go back and relive them? Or spend the rest of my years wishing I could go back and change them? Well, I am 7 months away from the end of my teenage years, and I'm still scared. The fears that come with growing up are intense and constant. But I have realized that the reason I feel more like a teenager than ever before is because I want to hold on to my teenage self. I want to feel carefree and have fun while still trying to grow and learn. I want to watch old cartoons and get butterflies in my stomach when I go on a first date and always take pictures of the sunset. I may be scared to move past my teenage years, but I know that holding on to everything that it means to be a teenager will make it so that I don't have to spend the rest of my years wishing I could go back.

I first heard Chappell Roan's music the day before I saw her perform live, opening for Olivia Rodrigo. I had heard her name before but didn't know any of her songs. However, I quickly switched off "Casual" as it played due to the fact that I was in the car with my dad. The next day when I saw Chappell perform live, I knew I loved her. The confidence that Chappell Roan exuded was infectious; her stage presence had me singing along to songs that I didn't even know. The performance was fun and loud and her songs had melodies that were incredibly unique. I spent the following month listening to Chappell's album, "The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess," and only became more obsessed. I began to love Chappell not only for her amazing music, but because she is one of the first queer celebrities that I really identified with and looked up to. I admire how Chappell Roan doesn't make her sexuality the main point of her music. She is a beautiful storyteller and songwriter who also happens to be queer. This fact about her comes up just as naturally as it does in any other love or break up song. I don't believe that there needs to be a subsection of music for "gay pop," I think that love songs are love songs no matter who they are about. Diverse music shouldn't be something I have to search for in a separate subsection of popular music, it should just be popular music and it should be found on the radio and at awards shows just as heterosexual songs are. I have always felt this way about coming out as well. I never really wanted to come out because I didn't feel like it was something I should have to do. I hope one day coming out becomes obsolete and anyone can love who they want to without it feeling like they must find the right time and place to make this announcement. I support Chappell Roan because I believe her music is a step towards this future. An amazing example of her storytelling abilities and the song that has impacted me the most from Chappell is "California." The first time I heard that song, I was completely enamored by the vocals, but as I listened again, I realized how true her words rang for me. At it's core, "California" is about feeling like you don't belong and hoping that something or someone will come save you. I am from Illinois and go to college in Illinois. Yet, as I went through my freshman year, I felt like I was on a different planet than all of my friends. I watched them make friends and discover their academic passions with ease while I struggled to even pick a major. I was also dealing with the shame and guilt of my aspirations; I didn't want to be a doctor or a lawyer or an engineer. I had formerly tried to make myself believe that I wanted to work in the health field, but ultimately had no passion for it. Listening to "California" made me feel not so alone, maybe it did make me cry, but at least I knew that Chappell Roan was sharing those same emotions. I am incredibly thankful to have found Chappell Roan and her music. I admire her unique presence in the music industry and the diversity that it has promoted. I truly can't wait to see what she does next.

Before Taylor Swift even hit the stage at the Era's Tour, I was in tears. I had been a fan of Taylor since the age of three, grown up with her music, and the oncoming concert was going to take me back through those years of growth. I couldn't help but feel 15 years of emotion wash over me as my lifelong role model was about to perform. But the Era's Tour, aside from being the best night of my life, ended up displaying just how important music is and has been in my life. I truly attribute my love of music and singing to Taylor Swift. When I was 4 years old, just after the album Fearless had come out, I memorized the entirety of Love Story and made my parents record me performing it. From that point on, I was in love with singing. I took every opportunity to be in musicals and chorus throughout middle and high school. But more importantly, I took every opportunity outside of school to sing. In the car, in the shower, whenever I was home alone, and even while doing the dishes, I could be found singing. Yet, during the Era's Tour, I realized that I didn't just love singing, I needed it. Through every difficult situation, every time I felt sad, music, most often Taylor Swift's music, was there for me. So there I was, at the Era's Tour, experiencing the incredible power of Taylor's music just as I had been for my whole life. But in that moment, I needed her music more than anything; I was going through my first real heartbreak. Not only this, but I had just graduated high school; the fears of future were a constant worry in my mind. I was in this bittersweet period of time where I was simultaneously so happy and sad and nostalgic and heartbroken all at once. The weeks prior to the concert, I would put on Taylor's music in my car or in the shower and instead of singing along, I would just cry. And finally, during this concert and with the help of Taylor's music, I was able to let go. It was especially during The Lakes, the surprise piano song that was chosen for Chicago, that I felt all the worry leave my mind. The poetic lyrics and Taylor's beautiful voice took me right to the far away place that the song describes. I was filled with emotion and completely in awe, but really I was at peace. For 15 years, I had been listening and singing along with Taylor Swift's music, but the Era's Tour made me realize why my love of Taylor Swift had lasted for essentially my whole life; it was because I had unknowingly been using her music to get through each and every challenge I was faced with. The Era's Tour allowed me, for three hours, to let go of all my heartbreak and worries for the future. Afterwards, even though the concert was over, I knew that with the help of Taylor's music, I could get through anything.

There was a long period of time in elementary school where I couldn't fall asleep. My parents grew tired of me constantly getting up after going to bed and telling me to just relax and go to sleep. Yet, I continued to stay up at night thinking about what I would do if the house caught on fire or if someone broke in or if some other tragedy happened. I didn't know it then, but what I was experiencing was anxiety. I know now, from those years of struggle, how important mental health is. Anxiety is a terrible distraction from the present and unfortunately, I have spent so much time thinking of escape routes and worst case scenarios that it became impossible to enjoy the here and now. Not only that but anxiety makes everything magnified; every awkward moment, every text message, every decision is replayed over and over again in my mind. A poor state of mental health, I have learned, makes it impossible to feel at peace with anything. I constantly think about what might have been if I had done or said something different. But at the end of the day, all my worrying is in vain because I can't change the past. Learning to manage my anxiety has allowed me to feel more peace in my daily life. The biggest thing I have done to maintain a healthy state of mind is to eliminate racing thoughts. I usually do this by diverting my focus to something else and filling moments of quiet. I have found tremendous help in podcasts, movies, TV shows, and music. I turn to these distractions for personal enjoyment but also whenever I feel my anxiety rising. Filling up empty space with a positive distraction prevents my mind from excessively worrying. When I'm getting ready, washing dishes, in the car, or going to sleep, I let myself become distracted so that I can remain in the present and remain peaceful. I also recognize the importance of mental health because there have been times where I have become so overwhelmed with negativity that I simply become numb. In times of huge life changes such as moving houses, my first real heartbreak, or beginning college, my mental state has prevented me from feeling anything at all. Though I believe it to be something of a defense mechanism against the bad feelings, it also blocks out the good. This numbness grows into bitterness and jealousy and it has taken a lot of work to feel like myself again. In these cases, I find in critical to focus on the positive. No matter what it is, whether it be making breakfast or taking walks, finding things that brought me joy brought me back to myself. Taking care of my mental health is important because deep down I am also taking care of a little girl, filled with worry, who just couldn't fall asleep. It is a service to my past, present and future selves to maintain my mental health and it is a service that will take precedence over everything else. I am grateful that I have learned to manage my anxiety because it means that when my head hits the pillow, I can finally just sleep.

Since the release of 1989, the song Clean has always been one of my favorites. It is distinct in itself as it is so different than the rest of 1989 and even from anything else Taylor Swift has released. The drastic difference in the album when Clean begins playing after I Know Places is an odd but beautiful interruption. I feel as if I have been in the midst of this interruption since the beginning of my year. Entering the second semester of my freshman year of college, I felt nothing. I was so strangely apathetic towards my classes and my friends; I just didn't feel like myself. After first semester, I was scarred from the difficulties I was met with in making friends, deciding my major, and dealing with the loneliness that college brings. I watched my friends at other schools flourish in huge friend groups and slowly become too busy with parties to FaceTime. So when second semester came around, I felt like I was in an emotional drought. The joy in academics that I felt in high school was gone and my weekends that used to be spent with friends or family were spent by myself. These past joys were like "butterflies turned to dust that covered my whole room." The cold weather matched my demeanor as I fell into a weekly routine that was endlessly repeating. In other words, I was drowning. Yet, I kept going. Like Taylor Swift says, "When I was drownin', that's when I could finally breathe." No matter the apathy I felt I continued my schoolwork and ended up producing essays and final projects that I was incredibly proud of. I worked hard at my the job I had gotten on campus and tried to make friends by joining student organizations. By the end of the school year, I felt more like myself. The turn of the seasons aided in my healing as I found joy in walks under magnolia trees and seeing tulips spring up out of the ground. This is not to say everything was better, I was still reeling from the bitter loneliness of my time at school, mixed with jealousy for my friends who made friends with ease. By the time I went home for the summer, I felt a mix of emotions. Finally returning to my family and friends made me instantly happier, but I couldn't shake everything that I was overwhelmed with in college. Like it's sung in the bridge of Clean, "Just because you're clean, don't mean you don't miss it." I didn't exactly miss my semesters at school but I was constantly thinking about them. Worrying that it wasn't going to get better. In spite of this, I continued to find joy in the simplest things. Making coffee, in the morning, going shopping alone, singing in the car, even doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen for whatever reason made me feel like me. I know I'm not through with this year yet, and the return to school is a daunting but exciting challenge on the horizon. I'm more prepared now than I was before, and I know that I can make it out of the rain. I may not be clean yet, but I'm close, and I look forward to the day I can say, "I'm finally clean."

As someone who loves cinema, I love seeing movies that are different than just a linear, "hero's journey" plot (though of course there is nothing wrong with those movies). The Netflix original movie Look Both Ways takes an amazingly creative movie idea and executes it beautifully. Lili Reinhart stars in this "romantic dramedy," portraying our main character, Natalie. In an hour and 50 minutes, we will watch Natalie's life play out in two scenarios: one where she gets pregnant after her college graduation, and one where she doesn't. Each path comes with its respective ups and downs as she navigates motherhood in her hometown or navigates her future as an illustrator in Los Angeles. Despite these two drastically different scenarios, Natalie still struggles in each with her creative aspirations, friendships, self worth, and love life. These parallel journeys prove to be equally heartbreaking and joyful; in the end it becomes clear that no matter which outcome was true, Natalie was going to be okay. What I love so much about this movie is that it is perfect for indecisive people, people who constantly ask "but what if?" Natalie's journey provides solace in the fact that even if things go differently than expected, happiness is always achievable. At the end of the film, there is no true answer as to the outcome of Natalie's pregnancy test, yet as a viewer I did not feel unsatisfied whatsoever. After seeing both sides of what could happen, it doesn't even matter what the test said because either way, Natalie ends up successful and happy. This ending is comforting for anyone who has trouble making decisions or dwells on past ones. It proves that life does not and cannot come down to one moment. The dreams and goals that one has are possible with the help of or in spite of unexpected moments. Ultimately, this movie is made by the actors, and specifically the main actress, Lili Reinhart. The ability to portray the same character in two different scenarios, taking two different journeys and feeling different emotions is nothing but impressive. Not only this but she does it with mastery, pulling the audience in and allowing them to feel everything that she is playing. I also admire Lili Reinhart outside of this role as she is an advocate for mental health and persistently makes a point to show her imperfections on social media. These two things are important in current times as many celebrities perpetuate unrealistic lives on social media, only showing the best moments and even editing photos. Reinhart's presence outside of acting gives an insight as to how she was easily able to step into the role of Natalie. It is evident that her own imperfections inspired Natalie to be a beautifully imperfect character, making her perfectly real and relatable. Look Both Ways is a movie I have so enjoyed viewing. I admire the writers and directors along with the actors who brought this movie to life. I believe it is becoming extremely difficult in film to come up with unique movie ideas as art is constantly evolving and taking inspiration from other works. Look Both Ways is impressively unique amidst an age of copy-cat movies. I look forward to revisiting this movie as I grow older and need a reminder that nothing comes down to one moment.

What is it about The Office that makes fans want to rewatch it over and over and over again? For me, it's because I see myself in so many of the characters. Like Pam, I have big dreams but lack the courage to achieve them. And like Erin, I'm awkward and quirky yet optimistic by nature. However, the character that I most identify with is Michael Scott. Michael Scott is a deeply human character and his series long struggle to be liked and to deal with loneliness is what I relate to most in him. In high school, I never really felt like I had found my group. I had friends but all around me I saw tight knit groups that were impossible to join. So, in my junior year, I decided to join the cheer team in hopes of finding my group there. But even then, I was met with mere acquaintances who were kind to me but rarely extended our friendship past practice. In addition to this, I was a terrible cheerleader. I wasn't strong enough to throw girls in the air and lacked the years of training it took to tumble across the floor. This only further separated me from my teammates and after every football game, I would go home feeling empty. Just like Michael Scott, all I wanted was to be liked and accepted by those around me. We are both simply unremarkable people who yearn for connection and greatness. Yet, there is something remarkable in having so much love and aspiration inside. All it takes is the right people to unlock it. And as Michael finds his family in those who had been around him all along, I know now that I don't need a huge amount of friends, I just need the ones that know me and accept me for who I am. Also like Michael, and because of The Office, I use humor as a coping mechanism. When I would go home after those football games, feeling empty and lonely, I would turn to The Office or some other sitcom to feel better. And at the core of so many comedy movies and TV shows is the sentiment that in tragedy there is comedy. Michael Scott is a tragic character, Dwight Schrute is a tragic character, Andy Bernard is a tragic character and yet they are the characters that we turn to for a laugh. Because of them I use my sense of humor to get through hard times as it is often easier to laugh at oneself than to pity oneself. The Office doesn't work as a show if we can't laugh through tragedy, it would simply become a show about a manager with no real family and his assistant who can't seem to amount to his full potential. Similarly, I find that without a sense of humor, life is rather unenjoyable. The Office has shaped my sense of humor to be able to laugh through difficulties and awkward situations. And maybe Michael Scott is rather tragic and lonely for most of the show, but with each joke he makes, he brings a smile to not only his own face but to the face of all Office fans. I am thankful for The Office because it has taught me how to find joy even amidst tragedy.