I spent all of my 20's in active addiction; my drug of choice was anything I could get my hands on. I was a cyclone of destruction and rampaged through my friends' and family's lives. Not only was I struggling through addiction, so was my own brother. I watched him go through a drug induced psychosis after I got clean the first time. I so desperately wanted to give him what I had found through recovery. Although I had been clean for 6 months, I did not understand that the individual had to make that decision for themselves. I struggled with relapsing multiple times before I found Narcotics Anonymous. After finding Narcotics Anonymous, I was introduced to a new way of life that I never thought was possible. It is now so important for me to help others who struggle with addiction, but in an effective and gentle way. I have been there, and I understand the emotions and mental struggles that coincide with the cycle of addiction. I currently work as a nurse in a recovery/treatment facility for addicts. I had no idea that the struggles in my life were going to benefit me and the people I care for in the future. I avoided behavioral health because I, myself, have had so many behavioral issues and did not believe I was mentally fit for it. After working with addicts, I realize that I am more qualified than my mind had me believing. After being on the opposite end of it, I can see clearly that my higher power has allowed me to experience what I did throughout my life so I could be a better nurse for those who are going through similar experiences as myself. I can view them empathetically without judgment. I can also see the need for discipline, structure, and compassion. As addicts, we feel so unique in that nobody has ever experienced or felt like we have. I make it a point to relate to my clients and let them know that they are not alone. I can see the defeated look in their eyes, and I so badly want to help them through it and tell them all I have learned. Yet, when I look back at my life, nobody could have talked me into sobriety and changing my ways; it has to come from within. I believe I can plant a seed in my clients who come in worn out, defeated, and looking for change. We say in Narcotics Anonymous that "Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the fear of change." We do recover, one day at a time.

I always felt alone in my life and that nobody understood me. I had no idea that the disease of addiction was inside me early on in life, I just thought I was different. I steered clear of drugs up until I got into college and tried Adderall for the first time. I had always been a friendly and kind individual, but I quickly began to believe that the pills would make me more happy, friendly, and productive when they were ultimately stealing those parts of me. I was a heavy cannabis user after trying it for the first time. As with everyone else I experimented in College with many illicit substances. I flunked out of College twice and continue to pursue my desire to get high every day. I found methamphetamine a couple years after graduating highschool. It completely overtook me and I went on a year long journey that changed my life forever. A friend of mine had been in a rehab facility in Branson, MO, so I knew there was a way out, but the drugs had ahold of me and I wanted to escape the reality of myself more than getting clean. On a day I had some lucidity and had been kicked out of the dope house again, I reached out to my friend and said I was ready. His parents showed up the next day at 5pm and drove my emaciated, psychosis self to rehab. I attended rehab for 18 months and found so much peace in the 12 steps. I wish I could say my addiction ended there, but that is not how the disease of addiction works. After leaving the program, I slowly began drinking and smoking weed again. A year later I was having a problem with alcohol that I never had before. By the time I moved back to Harrisonville, I was drinking every day in large amounts. I went on a 3 year binge. I somehow managed to get my LPN in that time, but my personal life and my self worth was struggling. Every piece of myself that I cherished and that I had worked hard to build was taken from me in the bottle. I was empty, alone and full of self-pity. I tried to quit but kept returning to the drink month after month. Praying to God for help to never drink again, he answered my prayer in his time. I landed a job in a hospice position and quickly realized that what I was dealing with was bigger than me. That job was what helped me make a decision to put down the drink. I found Narcotics Anonymous 3 months after that and found a community of people who thought like me, felt like me, acted like me, and most importantly, understood me. I finally found my WE and found a community of people who were able to change their lives by getting and staying clean. I started to become of service to the group, share my story and help other people like me. I found a sponsor who loves me and wants me to succeed. Ive stayed clean for almost 2 years now and continue to grow and change into the person God has always intended me to be. I attend 4 meetings a week to share the message and to keep my recovery. We lose people too often to this disease, but I know my story will help someone as long as I keep showing up and staying clean one day at a time.