I spent over a year in bedrest because of depression. The biggest blessing I had at the time was being able to read one specific book (and no other): Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz. Ironically, the book didn’t have its effect while I was depressed. I only saw its merits after getting up one night, motivated by a desperate desire to get my life back. The key lesson I continue to digest today is Maltz’s idea that our self-image dictates the outcomes of our lives. Our self-image is the culmination of all of our beliefs, values, and perceptions about ourselves. Simply put, our lives reflect how we see ourselves. I immediately saw that my depression was a reflection of my self-image. With every year that I have lived, the more I identified with my failures. I was breeding self-hatred by embodying negative circumstances. I destroyed my internal state of mind because I couldn’t see the good in anything. I remember the pivot from being ambitious to being overcome by depression. My phone had just received a voicemail saying I won an internship offer at a top investment bank, guaranteeing financial independence. In that very moment, I was actually sitting outdoors on a wintry day with 2 of my internship bosses because I mentally broke down at work. They were gauging my situation and planning next steps. Ironically, on my uber ride home after that chat, I got the call again, heard the offer, and couldn’t feel happy. It was what I always wanted; yet, it meant nothing to me. Looking back at that experience and my entire struggle with depression, I knew that what I thought of myself fully shaped my life. My self-hatred led to a black hole of misery. I felt miserable, so of course my life was miserable. I created my life. Upon my return to college (post-bedrest) this past September, I’ve really been working on internalizing the lesson that I should only do what I really want to do. I don’t project aspirations two months later, not even two days later. I listen to myself every moment and aspire to fully take advantage of the very second that I am living in. The goal is to spend every moment fully aware of what’s happening, so that I can build my desired self-image and never return to that bed in my room. What’s the purpose of that high-paying job if I didn’t want to live anymore? These lessons of self-image and self-awareness has led to my atypical state of being. Many of my faculty friends find fault in how I behave and believe I’m still depressed. (I can’t tell you how many times these people text me to ask if I’ve gone to a clinic yet. It happens everyday… talk about repeated negative suggestion!) In reality, they’ve just never had a student who turns down opportunities on the regular. Upon hearing my great story and seeing how expressive I have become, these faculty members have offered me to hold a talk series of my own. I’ve declined. Upon seeing my control over the classroom despite being a student, they have offered me to create a class, craft the curriculum, and scout the students. I’ve declined. Upon seeing my wealth of new knowledge and experience, they’ve offered me numerous projects to work on so that they can refer me to jobs and fellowships. I’ve declined. There’s one premise to all of my rejections: it’s not the time. Again, Maltz preaches the idea that our self-image shapes our lives. I’ve learned that betraying my internal compass creates negativity that my mind will identify with and latch onto (until I foster full control). It eats away at my self-image. Understandably, it’d sound like I’m traumatized by previous failures. In reality, I was focusing on the moment I had gotten the opportunity and knew that for that moment, the opportunity would be a burden. It’s all a matter of how powerful and resilient my mind is. That takes commitment and dedication to achieve. Thus, for each moment in which I had received those opportunities, my mind wasn’t ready. I’m working on all of this by myself; I haven’t found someone who accepts Maltz’s idea. Whether I succeed in changing my self-image completely depends on my mindfulness of every moment. Consequently, all I hope to achieve this moment is taking advantage of this scholarship essay. As for the next moment, who knows?